My photo
As of February 23, 2012, I have a very sweet, very cute little boy. Baby PGS is my world now.

Baby PGS tickers

Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers

Baby S. #2

Lilypie Maternity tickers

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

you had me you lost me you're wasted you cost me I don't want you here messing with my mind I've realized in time that my eyes are not blind

I did not need to wake up to the following yesterday morning:
f**91** (12:22:31 AM): I was expecting you to be harsh today ... but good lord not that harsh wtf?! Why so rude? I don't freaking understand, I drove out of my way to bring you your book. [sic]
I never responded to him...I couldn't say anything that I thought of without making myself look really bad. Everything that came to mind was going to make me look like a gigantic b****. So I just didn't respond to him. I mean, what was I supposed to do?

Obviously, he thinks he did me favor...but why does he think flaunting his new girlfriend in front of me would be something that I could handle? Especially when he ended our [three year] relationship over the telephone... I realize to him, none of it meant anything...but that doesn't mean that I've been able to turn off my emotions and feelings so quickly as well. ::sigh:: I just wish that I was able to understand what changed him so drastically...and why... But then again, it's probably for the best that I don't understand him.

Related, but not related...I've finally figured out what to do with all the things that are left over from that relationship as reminders. The Nintendo ds lite, for sure, I'm either going to trade-in at GameStop or sell on eBay since it was a suggestion on the channel 7 news Don't Waste Your Money segment...and then probably the same thing for all of the movies and two of the cds. I figure the majority of cds, I can just either let someone who wants them have them or I can do something really cathartic, like break them. But, I'll probably just give a majority of the items to the Salvation Army...or a women/children's shelter if I can find one around here and they'll take it. Since I think the Salvation Army store is ridiculously overpriced for what it's supposed to be. I think the SA does good, but I don't understand how 'down on their luck' people are supposed to be able to afford the stuff in the SA store. Anyway...done ranting.

But, oh, yeah...I brought this up because Monday night, when I was over my friend's house talking to her, she said that we were going to get rid of the reminders to help me move on. So...I've made a decision. I figured, I might as well make some profit. Originally, I thought that the ex should have been the one to sell the stuff, if at all, but now I don't care since he bought it for me and it's mine to do what I want with it. It's not like he gave me back what I bought for him...true he offered, and I refused it by telling him, I would "just throw it out anyway." Okay...I'm done...ciao!!

Happy New Year!! Be safe tonight!!

Monday, December 29, 2008

was it really worth it was she everything that you were looking for feel like a man I hope you know that you can't come back cuz all we had is broken

My horoscope from Cosmo for today says...
Libra - If you happen to get thrown an emotional curveball, caring Venus says that a guy pal's advice might help you to understand what happened so that you can fight back.
Umm, seriously...when I first saw that this morning, I didn't really think anything of it. I just kinda figured,'s just a horoscope. But, oh my god...I didn't expect what happened when I went to go get my book from my a**hole of an exboyfriend. Sorry, but I've given up trying to be neutral when referring to him. Obviously, he doesn't care if he makes me look bad, making himself look bad in the process, so why should I continue to try and be a good person? (Please don't answer that, I know the answer to my question) I just didn't go to a guy friend for help...

It's just that...I half expected him to bring someone with him when he gave me my book back this evening...but...I didn't expect to see the girl he cheated on me with. And, no, I don't have any actual proof that he cheated on me...but the way he acted, the things he said to me, how quickly he jumped into a relationship with her, how quick he was to accuse me of cheating, it all says that he was cheating on me. ::sigh:: But...thankfully, this chapter of my life is over. I never have to speak to him again. I can delete him from my phone, from my email contacts...from everything. The hard part is going to be removing him from my consciousness...

After seeing him (and his girlfriend, and the two other friends he brought with him; it looked as though he was on a double date with his a**hole best friend and his girlfriend, but I'm not 100% sure because when I saw that he had two girls with him to bring me my book, I felt like I was going to cry and just wanted out of there) this evening, I was [understandably] upset...but I really didn't feel like I could talk to my mom. And this really wasn't something that I wanted to talk to my daddy about (even my daddy before his accident). So, I called my good friend...thankfully, she put up with me...hopefully, I didn't keep her up too late. But I appreciate her helping me feel better...even if I didn't really say anything much about what happened.

I don't just sucks that the ex and all of his friends live on the East Side, yet he felt the need to flaunt his new girlfriend in front of me? Why? Just to get a reaction out of me? Obviously, he got what he wanted since I pretty much left without a word (I at least said 'thanks' or 'thank you' when he handed my book to me) and walked as quickly as I could to my car.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

past the point of no return no backward glances our games of make-believe are at an end

Today I hung out with my daddy for the afternoon. It was nice since I haven't really spent any time with him in a little while. We went out to Red Robin for lunch and then later, my dad, my 20 y/o brother and I went to see Seven Pounds at the movie theatre. It was a really good movie. It's pretty sad...but it's really good. I suggest going and seeing it. But not if you're in the mood to see a 'feel good' movie.

Also...last night, I finally got this. Well...more like, I finally got what is mentioned there. So what if that makes some call me a 'loser' or whatever. I don't care. ::shrugs:: I like Britney Spears. She's a not-so guilty pleasure when it comes to music. Now am I going to pay whatever ridiculous price is asked for her concert tix? Probably not...I'm a broke college student. Plus, I don't really want to pay to watch a lip synch performance. The free one during lunch in high school was enough for me for those four years, since that was always highly amusing. Gotta love Spirit Week.

And...just out of curiosity, if you borrow something from someone, would you expect him/her to come to you to get it back? Or would you take it back to him/her? This is under the assumption, that s/he has no reason to be coming to your house, or to be near your house.

Friday, December 26, 2008

conversations with you kept me up tonight I've been so waiting for this contradictions are all I have or is it you I've lost all confidence

::sigh:: Yesterday, wasn't a bad a Christmas, but it wasn't the best of Christmases either. It hit me pretty hard that I'm single again after three years in a relationship...even if it was a toxic one.

My family was having a conversation about comedians for some reason, I don't remember how we got on the topic, but anyway, somebody mentioned George Carlin. So I was going to go get my When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops book from my room, but then I realized that the ex still had it...I was doing all right with the whole ignoring his existence thing, so having to contact him to get my book back wasn't something I was looking forward to. Especially since during the three years I was with him, more than once (at least I think it was more than once, I might be wrong) he made it seem like he was proud of the fact that he'd borrowed stuff from people that he now immensely disliked and planned on never giving it back because he liked the object in question. And since both my book and I fall into those categories, you can see why I wasn't all that keen to ask him about it. And...right away he told me that he'd returned it to me...but seriously, now, if I'd had the book in my room, I would not have asked him about it. Trust me, he's the last person I want to talk to. Especially on Christmas.

(this is from the beginning of the book)

Anyway...other reasons this wasn't the best Christmas, were simply because everyone kind of seemed crabby. Possibly that had to with my 11 y/o brother was still in little kid mode and woke us all up pretty early due to his excitement for Christmas and presents. Oh,'s not going to last forever...I should let him enjoy it while he can. Right?

I'm thinking about getting this camera. The ex said that he was going to get it for my birthday this year...I'm so glad that he did not. Because if he had...I'm pretty sure in my anger, I would have done something really stupid like smash it into pieces. Seriously...why would he have bought me a $160 camera for my birthday anyway, knowing full well that he was going to end our relationship? I knew, well had a really strong feeling, that he was planning something like that or cheating on me, that was my reasoning for telling him that I didn't really want anything and he could get me whatever he thought was best (probably why he didn't get anything at first, haha). Umm, that I've b****ed, when I didn't mean to...

Oh, yeah...and I don't feel like doing a weekly round-up this week. My throat is sore...I have a headache...and my jaw is tense...I think I'm just sick. That's probably why this ended up a lot more negative than I had intended it to be. Sorry.

Hope everyone had a happy Christmas and enjoyed their holiday!!

Thursday, December 25, 2008

it came upon a midnight clear that glorious song of old from angels bending near the earth to touch their harps of gold

Merry Christmas, My Friend
by LCpl James M Schmidt, USMC, 1986

‘Twas the night before Christmas, he lived all alone in a one bedroom house made of plaster and stone. I had come down the chimney, with presents to give and to see just who in this home did live. As I looked all about, a strange sight I did see: no tinsel, no presents, not even a tree. No stocking by the fire, just boots filled with sand. On the wall hung pictures of a far distant land. With medals and badges, awards of all kind, a sobering thought soon came to my mind. For this house was different, unlike any I'd seen. This was the home of a U.S. Marine. I'd heard stories about them, I had to see more, so I walked down the hall and pushed open the door. And there he lay sleeping; silent, alone, curled up on the floor in his one bedroom home. He seemed so gentle, his face so serene, not how I pictured a U.S. Marine. Was this the hero, of whom I’d just read? Curled up in his poncho, a floor for his bed?

His head was clean-shaven, his weathered face tan. I soon understood, this was more than a man. For I realized the families that I saw that night, owed their lives to these men, who were willing to fight. Soon around the nation, the children would play and grown-ups would celebrate on a bright Christmas day. They all enjoyed freedom each month and all year because of Marines like this one lying here. I couldn’t help wonder how many lay alone on a cold Christmas Eve, in a land far from home. Just the very thought brought a tear to my eye. I dropped to my knees and I started to cry.

He must have awoken, for I heard a rough voice, "Santa, don't cry, this life is my choice I fight for freedom, I don't ask for more. My life is my God, my country, my Corps."

With that he rolled over, drifted off into sleep. I couldn't control it, I continued to weep. I watched him for hours, so silent and still. I noticed he shivered from the cold night's chill. So I took off my jacket, the one made of red and covered this Marine from his toes to his head. Then I put on his T-shirt of scarlet and gold with an eagle, globe and anchor emblazoned so bold. And although it barely fit me, I began to swell with pride, and for one shining moment, I was Marine Corps deep inside.

I didn't want to leave him so quiet in the night, this guardian of honor so willing to fight. But half asleep he rolled over, and in a voice clean and pure, said "Carry on, Santa, it's Christmas Day, all secure."

One look at my watch and I knew he was right, Merry Christmas my friend, Semper Fi and goodnight.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

I guess you kept me around to have and eat your cake and I know you’re somewhere laughing in your head 'bout how you kept me hidden from the truth

So...yesterday was the ex's father's birthday...and I'd thought about sending his dad an email to say "happy birthday." But I was worried that if I did, then he'd say something to his son...and then I'd get a phone call or something telling me to stay out of his life. Especially since the last time that I talked to the ex, he told me that everyone in his life thinks that I'm a b**** and always has. If that's true, then, yeah, telling his dad "happy birthday" would've been a bad idea. But I always got the impression from his father that he didn't pretend to like, I wasn't worried that he'd be mad at me for being nice to him. It was just...I was worried about a possible reaction from his son. ::sigh:: Oh, well...

Anyway...tomorrow is Christmas Eve...but I never finished my shopping. Oh,well...just means that I didn't get presents for three of my siblings, only for the younger two. But honestly, I have no clue what to get my 15 y/o brother...the kid is weird. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love him and all...but he's one weird person. And my sister, she just buys whatever she it's hard to buy for her, too. So, yeah... Plus, my grandma doesn't like it when we buy her gifts...she'd rather we spent our money on ourselves or saved it. That's why I didn't get anything for her. But I always make sure that I help her out with whatever I can when I'm there on Christmas Eve.

Which reminds me...does anyone have any special holiday traditions? In my family, it's totally the celebrating on Christmas Eve...and the lasagna (my paternal grandma's family is Italian). But, I cannot eat lasagna. ::shudder:: It has nothing to do with the way it all about the way that it looks. If I could get over the appearance of lasagna, then I would probably eat it...since I think it tastes fine.

Anyway...hope everyone has a safe and happy holiday!! Merry Christmas, everyone!!

Monday, December 22, 2008

on the telephone line I am anyone I am anything I want to be I could be a super model or Norman Mailer & you wouldn't know the difference or would you

[edited 12:03a 12/23/08] edits are in blue

Yay me!! I have a 2.16 g.p.a. this semester...a full point lower than my previous lowest g.p.a ever (I got that my freshman year of high school, and my parents didn't seem to care that I failed a class either). ::sigh:: But at least, my financial aid is safe. For now anyway... Apparently, I forgot about my g.p.a. last previous lowest g.p.a. It wasn't a full point higher, but it's pretty close to what I got this semester...thanks to the two Cs I received.

And, yay me (again)!! I have pretty much all of my Christmas shopping done, or at least, I have it as done as I'm gonna get it. It's a 'yay me' because I only started Saturday night. Remember, Christmas is on Thursday?

And also, last night, I made some gingerbread. Mmm mmm!!! I heart gingerbread. Especially when it's warm and has whipped cream on it. Yummy!!

Today, I watched the girls for four was the most boring four hours of my life. I was supposed to take them to their mom's house so they could pack up their stuff and take them to the library. Yeah, didn't take 'em to the library because they wouldn't get their butts moving and get ready to go anywhere. So, I only took them to their mom's house...and it didn't really seem like they did what they were supposed to. To be fair, the 8 y/o's stuff was pretty much packed already by her mom for her. But seriously, if I'd known that they weren't going to be ready when I got there, I would not have left my stuff in the car and been bored to tears (okay, obviously, not actual tears) for nearly three hours (it's like 10 degrees outside, I wasn't going back outside just to get my book).

Friday, December 19, 2008

it's a bad day it's a train ride it's a bad day you're my medicine it's a snow day it's a full moon it's a snow day's a snow day. Do you know how I learned that? From an automated phone call from the district...that's what I get for being on my brothers' emergency contact lists. Oh, and the phone call was at 6:25a. Yeah, that was so not cool. I was asleep...and then startled awake by my phone and since it wasn't a name on the caller id, just a number, I answered it. So...I've been awake on and off since then. It sucks. But anyway...

Here's the weekly round-up... (and on-time, too!!)
.:. Wow...are you kidding me? Only 3.6" and it was called a snow day? C'mon now people...we had to get 7.9" today to get our first snow day of the season.
.:. What a reassuring thing to hear from the pilot of your flight: "I'm not qualified to land the plane."
.:. How insensitive...Santa got a parking ticket (he was handing out toys)!!
.:. What would you give up over giving up internet access? Hint: it's a lot more carnal than some would think.
.:. Yay!! At least one of the last things that Bush does as president of the U.S. is a good thing for the country's economy.
.:. Hooray for Secret Santas!!
.:. A gallery of Christmas trees...I prefer a fake tree though, doesn't trigger my allergies then.
.:. Holiday light displays (the last one is the best!)...I prefer the light display just off of 12 Mile at about Washington in Royal Oak.
.:. Umm...why is there such an obsession with virtual bands? ::shakes head:: I don't get it...
.:. Supposedly, these are the 8 best tech things to buy this holiday season...I liked the Blackberry on the list (the ex has [had?] it), but didn't see what the big deal was about the rest of the list...
.:. And then there are the top 11 tech stocking stuffers... I must admit, the chargepod thingy is pretty cool (slide #7 of 13)...but I want the Target gift card featured should anyone be willing to buy me one (slide #10 of 13)...
.:. Lol, now this is just amusing...a hot pink keyboard for blondes.

And here are few things to amuse from Overheard in New York...

Come On--We New Yorkers Have Rules
Crazy 20-something woman, screaming into cell: But where have you been? (sobs) I've been waiting for you. Where are you? (screaming louder) It's been hours, where are you? Where are you? How could you do this to me? Where are you?
(everyone on sidewalk turns around as she passes)
Man: It is way too early for that.
Woman: Yeah, that's the kind of call you make at 3 am, when you're drunk.
-- Taxi Line, Penn Station

Yet a Little Bit Reptar, at the Same Time.
Girl #1: You remember on that cartoon Rugrats there was that monster named Reptar?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: I had a dream last night where I was trying to replace the word "cool" with "Reptar".
Girl #2: That's strange.
Girl #1: Yes, yes it is.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

a change would do you good "hello it's me I'm not at home if you'd like to reach me leave me alone" a change would do you good

Okay, so I signed in to my MySpace this morning and noticed that I had less friends than yesterday (it's easy to notice a different in my friends count because aside from a few celebrities and organizations, the people in my friends list are people that I know in real life only, same thing with Facebook) I looked at who all of my friends were to see if I could see who was no longer my friend, and noticed that the ex had deleted me from his friends list. Which isn't that big of a deal, but what I don't understand is why after nearly two months he finally did that, coupled with blocking me on AIM yesterday afternoon. The only reason that I know he blocked me and wasn't just signed off, was that I was also signed on with a different screenname, and when he "signed off" yesterday in the one Buddy List, he stayed signed on in the other Buddy List. It's not like I've been doing anything to harass him...if anything, I've been ignoring him and leaving him alone as he would like. So I don't understand him and his strange behavior. But then this morning, he was no longer blocking me...apparently, I was no longer a threat?

::shrugs:: I guess that I shouldn't worry about it because like I said before (ad nauseam), he's over me and I should be over him and everything that was. And every day, I can see that I've made progress. I'm not perfect yet...but I'm getting there. Things don't hurt me as much anymore. Yeah, I still get stupid urges to cry at dumb things...but even those are getting farther and farther apart. I can't even remember the last time I cried over something to do with that failed relationship.

Now, crying over, or at least getting a little teary-eyed, something meaningful, like the Breaking & Entering Christmas Wishes on Mojo in the Morning on Channel 955...that's getting to be nearly a five days a week thing. Which was a bit of a hassle on school days, let me tell ya. I'd be all ready for school...or at least, I'd be in the process of putting my make-up on, and then they'd either do the B&E X-mas or they'd replay the one from that morning and I'd get teary-eyed and have to fix my mascara before it ran down my face. Thankfully, I'm just laying in bed listening this week when they do the replay, so no make-up worries.

Okay...shower time now...ciao dahling!!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

it's strange to think the songs we used to sing the smiles the flowers everything is gone yesterday I found out about you

School sucks. And because of my most horrible g.p.a. (ever!!), I'm probably going to be on academic probation next semester. ::sigh:: I needed to have a 2.0 g.p.a. (at least) this semester to maintain my financial aid...and so far, I have a all depends on how I did in my bioethics class (which that grade still has not been posted ::sigh::). Ugh...seriously, this was the worst semester to date. Thank god it's over. Finally. semester won't be much better...because I have:

.:. MAT 2020 Calc II - M 8:30-9:25a
.:. MAT 2020 Calc II - T 8:30-9:25a
.:. MAT 2020 Calc II - W 8:30-9:25a
.:. MAT 2020 Calc II - F 8:30-9:25a

.:. BIO 2600 Cell Bio - T 9:35-11:00a
.:. BIO 2600 Cell Bio - Th 9:35-11:00a

.:. CHM 1240 Organic Chem I (again, grr! ) - M 10:40-11:35a
.:. CHM 1240 Orgo I - W 10:40-11:35a
.:. CHM 1240 Orgo I - F 10:40-11:35a
.:. CHM 1240 Orgo I - Th 11:45a-12:40p
.:. CHM 1250 Orgo I Lab (again, grr! ) - T 3:00-3:55p
.:. CHM 1250 Orgo I Lab - Th 3:00-6:00p

Yeah...doesn't that look like so much fun? (Can't you sense the sarcasm?) At least, I'm out of school by noon 3 out of the 5 days...of course, for that to happen, I had to be at school by 8:30a... Oh, joy...morning rush hour traffic into Detroit...someone shoot me now. At least, I'm guessing it's going to be worse, since the days I had to be in an hour later, it was still pretty I can't see how it's going to be any better an hour earlier. Especially early in the semester. Y'know, January? snow? ice? it's Michigan, people's IQs tend to drop about 10-20 points when there is snow on the ground and they have to drive.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

boy you better pray we don't seek you out no you better hope we might lose control no a few months ago when I said the blonde, tan look so wasn't me, but that dark haired and fair is...well, obviously, I'm back to the Snow White look. Although, to be honest, when I have darker hair, I think I look more like the human form of Ursula (unfortunately, I could only find a seriously evil looking picture of her) from The Little Mermaid. Yes, I did just compare myself to the evil sea witch in a children's fairy tale. But she didn't look that scarily evil in the least, I don't ever remember being scared of her as a kid...and I saw the movie for the first time when I was about 4 y/o...

But, I'm going to be using the Perfect 10 Ginger in a Snap sometime very soon because I so very miss being a redhead. Like, probably tomorrow...

Oh!, and I know why my friend called me on Thursday now...but since I now know what the reasoning behind her phone call was, I can't really say anything because it's not something that I feel comfortable telling the world. Sorry about that. Although, I may answer if asked about it...just don't get your hopes up.

I need to go run some errands today...but because it's such a dreary day, I don't feel like. I need some new gloves because mine have finally had it. They're only like six or seven years old, so it's reasonable that my leather gloves finally fell apart after getting scraped on concrete so many times. Plus, on Monday I need to go to the school bookstore and find out what is the required text for my calc II class so that I can get it in time for the semester to start. ::sigh:: Academically, it's looking like next semester is going to give this semester a run for "worst semester ever."

Last night, well, I guess technically it was this morning, because I woke up to it, I had the strangest dream. It was about the ex, and he was confusing me so much. Saying things to me as though he'd never broken up with me, but it was obvious that we weren't together by the way that I was acting and the way that my 20 y/o brother was acting (really overprotective of me). I have no idea what to think of it, especially since just as the ex was trying to get me to follow him outside [in my dream], like literally pulling me out the door with him as I refused, I woke up. I was so confused. Honestly, I don't want to get back together with him...not the way things ended. It would be the biggest mistake of my life to do that. And the only way that I'm going to talk to him again, would be to tell him "happy birthday," but that's still almost two months away. ::sigh:: I don't know...

Anyway...have a great day!!

Friday, December 12, 2008

I know you gotta clue what you're doing you can play brand new to all the other chicks out here but I know what you are what you are baby

***Okay, I didn't post this on the "right" day...I didn't even do it a day late like I usually do...but, hey, better late than never, right? Four days after the fact is still good...

Here's the weekly round-up of what I found interesting this week:
.:. about an honest, good person...
.:. Aww, how sweet is that? And a happy ending, too!! Yay for puppies!!
.:. Soo...just how was it was determined that 2008 would be the one second longer year?
.:. Well...isn't that a bleak outlook...only 1 in 50 states in the U.S.A. passes the affordability test. No, duh...recently WSU emailed current students/staff/faculty to say that enrollment was down and something else, but not to worry...yeah, it sounded worrisome to me...
.:. And then there are the lyin', cheatin' students...but don't worry, they don't see anything wrong with their personal ethics/morals. Anyone else see something wrong with that?
.:. Umm, so I attempted to figure out where MI falls on the corruption scale...but it was too confusing...but, hey, ND is top of the list.
.:. Umm, yeah...dude, that just totally sucks...and is totally embarrassing...
.:. Oh em gee...people, c'mon, why? It's just a cat...
.:. Aww, poor little rhesus monkey...
.:. Aww, poor fat puppy...luckily he was an obese puppy dog though, he would've died otherwise...
.:. Umm, yeah...don't get me wrong, I love books as much as anyone else...but over 100 grand?
.:. Ickgh ::shudder:: Why? What was the appeal? Those things don't have a taste, I mean, not other than paper anyway...
.:. Holy s***, that's'd they manage to get away with stealing $100 million in diamonds?!?
.:. Not that I agree with the views of the man, but this is pretty interesting...
.:. Haha, what an unfortunate way to get caught...vomited the evidence in front of the cops.
.:. Umm...was what this mother did really legal?
.:. Well, that's comforting.
.:. So...what do you think he did for his "nagging" wife?
.:. Yeah, it doesn't look good for the 911 dispatcher...hopefully, things are looking up for the family...
.:. Okay, so...I've thought of doing something vindictive in nature...but the difference is I didn't do anything, crazy pyro ex-girlfriend.

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

The Voters Have Spoken
Guy: Want to come back to my place?
Girl: I thought you had a girlfriend.
Guy: I told you, I just haven't broken up with her yet!
Girl: Fine, but you still have a girlfriend.
Guy: F*** that. I still have a girlfriend only in the same sense that Bush is still President.
-- Blue & Gold

Then They Should Have Those Metal Lap Bars, Like on Roller Coasters
Rookie commuter: I don't understand, all these people are standing at the doors, but nobody is leaving the train.
Experienced commuter: Umm, that's because were still moving. They tend to discourage that. Even if you know how to tuck and roll...
-- Metro North, Grand Central Terminal

She Put the Lime in Her Coconut, and I Drank 'em Both Up
Lesbian: Rachel's dying her hair again, she's going back to redhead. She's so dedicated! Every time she changes her hair color she makes sure she does the whole job, just for me!
Friend: Uh, doesn't one usually do the "whole job" when dying hair?
Lesbian: No, no, I mean she dyes *down there*, you know?
Friend: Ah, right, gotcha. (pause) Uh, wasn't she lime green last month?
-- F Train

When I'm Awake, I Drink to Forget the Dreams
Guy #1, leaving: Bye! Sweet dreams.
Girl to guy #2: I hope so, last night I had a really bad dream. What about you?
Guy #2: I had dreams last night. It's my reality that's the problem.
-- Hopscotch Cafe

Stand Clear Of the Closing Gryffindors, Please.
Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the Hogwarts Express. This is platform 9 3/4, and we will be leaving shortly for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Preteen holding Harry Potter book, to suit holding Harry Potter book: Oh my god! I knew they would come for me!
Suit holding Harry Potter book, to himself: I did too.
-- C Train

Only When Ultimate Fighting Practice Is Cancelled
Teenage thug #1: Yo, dude! On Oprah there was this guy who was preggers, f***ing crazy man!
Teenage thug #2: You watch Oprah?
-- LaGuardia High School

Is There a "Ctrl Z"?
(teen #1 presses the 26th floor button. Teen #2 presses 21-25th floors for fun)
Teen #1: Dude, what the hell did you do that for?! You're an idiot, I hope you fall off my roof and die!
Teen #3, seriously: Can we unpress it?
-- Elevator, Bay Ridge

Whoa, Breakthrough
6th grader #1: I don't want to go to tennis, I want to stay after school today.
6th grader #2: I can't, I'm going to be out until 7.
6th grader #1: Why?
6th grader #2: I have a social life.
6th grader #1: You don't have a social life; you have a therapist!
-- Trevor Day School

It's the Prospect of Going Home to Queens, Honey
Little boy watching a man: What the f***?
Mother, reading a newspaper: You better watch your mouth today, little boy!
Little boy: But Mommy, he keeps banging his head on the pole!
Mother, watching the man: What the f***?
-- F Train

Wednesday One-Liners Are Bringin' Sexy Barack
Little boy to father: When are the bad people leaving the White House so Obama can be President?
-- Grocery Store, 71st & 1st Ave
and there are six more one liners...

All Your Toys, Sure
Mother to six-year-old son: Of course I love you! You are my son, I love every bit of you!
Son: Even my balls?
-- Grand Central Station

Wednesday One-Liners, If You Know What I Mean
Woman to security guard: Excuse me, did you see a man with a really large package? I'm looking for a man with a large package. Did he come by yet?
-- 51st St & 6th Ave

LIRR worker, yelling over tracks to another who is carrying huge bolt fastener: Hey! Nice nuts!
-- Woodside Station

Lab instructor, showing students how to breathe carbon dioxide by blowing into the test tube through a straw: Don't blow too hard, or else the whole thing will come up all over your face.
-- Biology Lab, Hunter College

Very old woman to decorative hardware salesman: It's become such a problem--I just can't seem to keep my knobs tight anymore!
-- Gracious Home, 67th St & Broadway

Mother waiting for kid in the bathroom: Billy, will you stop singing and just come?
-- Waiting Room, Grand Central

so watch me strike a match on all my wasted time as far as I'm concerned you're just another picture to burn

Okay, before anyone says anything like 'obsessing is bad and unhealthy, you need to move on,' there is a valid reason for what I was doing.

I checked the ex's flickr* this morning and saw that he'd changed/updated it. Which isn't a big deal. I guess, I just didn't expect to see his new girlfriend on there. And, I don't know...I just don't think she's pretty. I mean, she's not an unattractive girl...but maybe because I'm biased, I feel even worse now because I think I'm prettier than the girl he left me for. But my valid reason for checking his stupid flickr was that he used to have pictures of my younger brother(s) on there and because I didn't really want to talk to him, I didn't ask him to remove them. And the last time I looked to see if the pictures were still on there was 2-3 weeks ago, maybe even longer. So, see? I wasn't obsessing. But now that I'm trying to prove that I wasn't, it kinda seems like I was. ::sigh:: Oh, well... is my last day of the semester. I have my bio final in about two hours, and then...I'm done!! YAY!! Also, I got a 25/30 on my bioethics final, which means I got a 100% on it. No, I did not do the math incorrectly, there were 5 extra credit points on it...I have until Sunday to do the revisions for my essay that I got wrong, too. So I may end up with a 29/30 (I got a fill-in-the-blank wrong).

*I was going to put a link to the flickr page, but I don't know if it'd be okay with if ya know him, it shouldn't be that hard to find it...just use his screenname

Thursday, December 11, 2008

maybe I'll sleep when I am dead but now it's like the night is taking sides all the worries that occupy the back of my mind

Yay!! Tomorrow is officially my last day of the semester. Thank god. I'm so ready to be done. This semester sucked. Both academically and personally.

For the most part, I think/feel that everything happens for a reason...even if I think that the reason sucks or whatever happened sucks. But a couple of weeks ago, I started thinking that it would be pretty cool if the mind erasing that's done in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was really possible...then I just might go for it... Y'know? Only I don't think that I'd end up trying to stop it like Jim Carrey ended up trying to do. At least, I think that's how the movie went. I only saw it once and didn't like it.

On an unrelated note, I was thinking that since I previously had another blog, vérité sans peur, (but accidentally deleted because I'm awesome like that) and almost everything in it was the same as the stuff in my MySpace blog, maybe I would just post all of those previous entries on here. But then that's a lot of editing to do. I don't know what to do. Meh...

And then earlier this afternoon, my friend called me but because I was at work and helping the younger girl with her homework I had to ask my friend if I could call her back. But as I was asking her, she started to ask me something about a picture...and when I called her back, she didn't now, I'm super curious as to what she was calling me for. Especially since she hasn't called me back yet. Ugh...I hate it when I get my curiosity piqued but can't get an answer when I want one.

Okay...well, this was kind of a random post today, but, thoughts were all over the place. I don't know, I'm rambling ciao!!

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

come on, get higher, loosen my lips faith and desire and the swing of your hips just pull me down hard and drown me in love

My horoscope from Cosmo for today says...
Libra - Under the touchy Moon you might be too sensitive for your own good today. Consider hitting the movie theater and let Daniel Craig take you away.
Umm...yeah, if I actually had time to go to the movies, that would have been an awesome horoscope to make come true...but sadly, I had class from 9:35a to 7:20p. And I was at WSU for nearly that whole time today. It sucked. I left my house at noon for my second and third classes of the day and was gone for seven hours. Now I realize that there are people who have longer, and more stressful, days, but I was also at school earlier in the day for half an hour. But the trip home sucked due to the semi that overturned and spilled corrosive material causing the closing of I-75 between McNichols and the Davison...and does anyone think that I knew how to get myself home when I was forced to get onto the westbound Davison? If you answered "no," then you are correct! Luckily, I was able to figure it out and got myself home all right.

Woohoo!! I got a check in the mail today! Okay, so it was only for $16.60, but still...I got compensated for my civic duty (otherwise known as jury duty). Which I never mentioned anything about how that went (even though I mentioned getting a letter for it). Obviously since I got paid, I was selected for a jury...but very quickly dismissed. I got lost on my way there (thanks to a big lack of street signs in Pontiac, grr!!)...and again on my way home I got lost. I seriously hope that I never get called for jury duty to the Oakland County Circuit Court again. Not because the experience was that bad, but because the stupid building was so hard to get to and then getting home was ridiculous. But anyway, I got out of it due to the following: my finals were starting on Monday (and there was no guarantee that jury deliberations would be done by the end of the day); I knew someone firsthand with drug troubles; a few of our family friends are cops. As soon as the questioning of the potential jurors was finished, the prosecutor said they'd like to excuse juror #158 (that was me!!). Yeah, as soon as my number was said and I was told that I was excused, I was outta there. And then at noon my name was one of the ones listed as able to go home because they were no longer needed.

Oh, yeah...I seriously think that the Oakland County sheriff's deputy in charge of the metal detector at the entrance hates his life and/or his job because I was calling him "Mr. Crabbypants" (but obviously, not to his face). When I first got there he sent me back out to my car to return my cell phone (when I was around the other people in the jury pool for the day, I saw other people with camera phones, so I was a little annoyed that I had to take my phone back out to my car) and then when I went through the metal detector my belt set it off. Normally, I just get waved through or if it's a big deal, I will get the wand waved over me. Nope, Mr. Crabbypants told me to take my belt off and when I told him that if I took my belt off, my pants would fall down, he told me 'oh, well, do it anyway.' As though I was saying my pants would fall down for the hell of it. Do you realize how hard it is to take a belt off with one hand while trying to hold your pants up with the other hand, but your other hand is also trying to hold your coat out of the way because it's below freezing outside? Yeah...I'm pretty sure I managed to show someone my panties while either taking my belt off or putting it back on. He was a big poopyhead. orgo lecture professor approved my withdraw request. So no more chem 1240 for me!! Unfortunately, I'm stuck with chem 1250 (the lab portion), because I forgot that we couldn't withdraw after the second test and that was last Tuesday. Oh, well... But, I did my quiz essay revisions this evening for my bioethics class, so that's a big help. Now I just have to do well on my final, which is due by 7:20p on Friday. But as soon as I finish my bioethics final and my bio final on Friday, I'm done for the semester because I'm only going to orgo tomorrow morning to get my test and do the eval for my [crappy] professor. Now, to be honest, I don't think that my prof is a bad guy or even necessarily a bad teacher; I just think that he should stick to teaching the grad courses.

I think there was something else that I wanted to add...but now I can't remember what it was. ::shrugs:: Oh, well... It's bedtime anyway...night, y'all!!

Monday, December 8, 2008

ju-ju-ju-just dance wish I could shut my playboy mouth how'd I turn my shirt inside out? (inside out right)

Oh my f***ing God!! Why does someone, or why do multiple someones, keep calling bomb threats for the gen.lec. building at WSU? It's seriously annoying as all hell. Not to mention the fact that it's a crime punishable by...well, quite honestly, I don't know since my Google search was really, really unsuccessful. I couldn't find anything...but anyone monitoring my search is probably going to think that I was planning something really stupid now. Like I really needed that. ::sigh::

Anyway...twice today, three WSUPD officers interrupted my class. This morning, three WSUPD officers came into my orgo class (which I'm curently waiting on my professor to approve my withdraw) to ask a student to pack up his stuff and leave with them. We, meaning the rest of my class and I, have no idea what that was about. My teacher just went back to teaching after the kid left like nothing out of the ordinary had just happened...I was like, 'are you kidding me?' After I looked at my score on Blackboard, I decided to leave and go talk to an academic advisor about dropping the class. Unfortunately, I forgot about my orgo lab lecture professor saying that noone could withdraw from the class after the second I'm going to be stuck with that failing grade on my transcripts. That's a bad thing because med schools average all grades from any attempts of the same course and that is the grade that they use, not the one the undergrad transcripts use (the most recent attempt).

And then the second time today that three WSUPD officers came into my class, was in the middle of my bio test. Yeah, that f***ing sucked and pissed off a lot of people, myself included. My professor was also pretty pissed off because now she has to get another test written and copied (not including the one she has to get done before Friday) so that we can take it on Wednesday and now we won't have any review before our [optional] final exam on Friday. Isn't that awesome? We're technically having three test days in a row. In. A. Row. And my teacher doesn't re-use test questions, that's why we get to keep our tests afterwards. Oh, yeah, and we had a bomb threat on Friday that nearly cancelled class but because we had a test scheduled for today, our class was moved to another building with a lecture hall. We couldn't afford to miss lecture. The poor gen chem class, they had a test on Friday that got interrupted by the bomb threat.

Did I mention that I hate the idiots that keep calling in these false bomb threats? The bomb threat today was the third bomb threat called in for gen.lec. this semester. At least, the third one to close the building for the day anyway. I have no idea if there were others that didn't close the building down.

Okay...I'm done ranting now... Sorry for my outburst. Hope the rest of you had a less stressful day...

[12:01a: edited to add] And oh, yeah, I forgot to mention that the other day (Sunday afternoon maybe?), I added an iLike music player to the right side of my blog...I'm guessing I'll be changing it every once in a while. I don't know yet. I'd say use the rate thingy [to let me know 'yay' or 'nay']...but I keep getting an error message when I try to add those to my blog layout.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I’m trying to hold it together and it’s like I’m never better looks like I’m not getting better not getting better wait I’m coming undone

Post #300!!

Anyway...I don't know how much longer I can keep lying to myself. ::sigh:: I keep telling myself that I'm over him, that he's not important anymore, what he thinks of me doesn't matter, what he says to me won't affect me. And then he'll start talking to me again and say mean things and I get upset all over again. I'm so sick of being called a "b****." I'm not one. I don't understand why someone is so bent on thinking the absolute worst of me and has to point that out to me in the meanest way possible.

I don't understand why he keeps telling me things that make him sound like a liar. Why is telling me things that he knows are going to hurt me so much fun for him? I just don't get it. And if I was so horrible, and everyone in his life hated me...then why did he stick around so long? Just to use me and take advantage of me? Was that fun for him?

I wish that when my dad got hurt, the ex had never come up to the hospital that day. Because every time that I got upset about my dad being hurt, he would get mad at me for it. I mean, now I realize it was because he didn't care about me anymore. But still, that hurt at the time...and it still kind of does... I just wish that I'd had the courage to end our relationship when I first wanted to...I just wish that I hadn't been so stupid and blinded and controlled.

Most of all...I wish that I was able to move on and heal. I wish for my benefit that I wasn't so stuck. I hate the way that I feel.

Umm, yeah...if you couldn't tell from the tone of the post, I saw the ex today...and it didn't go very well.

Friday, December 5, 2008

faded pictures on the wall it's like they're talkin' to me disconnectin' all the calls the phone don't even ring I gotta get out figure this s*** out

Here's the weekly round-up of what I found interesting this week:
.:. Umm...yeah, all I can say is, I feel bad for the couple because at one point in time, this so could have happened to me...
.:. Can you figure out what is being sold in this ad?
.:. There are much better ways to tell your significant other that you do not like the food she cooked for me.
.:. How sad is this? An elderly man strangled his wife and then tried to kill himself.
.:. I heard this on the radio the other day and was quite amused with one of the on-air personalities' badly worded question, "does it expire?"
.:. On Monday, a Detroit headline made the national pathetic is that?
.:. I like seeing stories like this one...happy beginnings, because that's really what this is, are always nice...
.:. It would be pretty cool if this could be done on a mass scale and dad could benefit from it.
.:. What's wrong with putting ads on tests? Especially ads that aren't distracting?
.:. Umm, yeah...there's a problem here: US officials flunk test on civil literacy...and the average citizen didn't do much better...
.:. Just a strange, strange picture (with an accompanying article)...
.:. Need a job? Live in the Albuquerque area? All you have to do is be a tattletale...
.:. Just how dumb do you have to be to think this was a real robbery?
.:. Yeah...totally not the way the open a stolen ATM...
.:. Assault by giant candy cane...yeah, I totally cannot say that with a straight face, and neither could the channel 955 morning show the other day...
.:. I just don't know what to say...I mean, how can a mother do that?
(it's really the weekly round-up for both this week and last week since I didn't do it last week)

And lastly, some amusement from Overheard in New York...

New Yorker Rule #293: Never Try to Reason with a Disgruntled Yankee Fan
Disgruntled Yankee fan #1: Tigers suck!
Disgruntled Yankee fan #2: They just beat us, a**hole.
-- Outside Yankee Stadium, after 6-2 Loss to Detroit

Wednesday One-Liners Are Pretty Sharp
Conductor: Stand clear of the doors. You are delaying service. (pause, then impatiently) Stand clear of the doors! You are delaying service! (pause) I will come back there and stab you if you do not get out of the doorway.
-- Uptown 1 Train
...and there are five more one liners...

This Way I Can Gaze at Your Beautiful Hair
Husband: (smiles)
Angry wife (crossing her arms as she crosses the street): Shut up. I want you to walk 12 steps behind me.
Husband (putting his arms up making it look like he's praising God): Hallelujah!
-- St. Benedicts Church, Bronx

And in the Face, Too
Girl #1 (about girl #2's ex): But would you shoot him?
Girl #2: Yeah. Wellll...maybe not in the face. I mean, I don't know if I would have the heart to, like, shoot him. At least not in the face. But I would stab him. Definitely I would stab him. No questions asked.
-- N Train

We Require an Application and 3 Letters of Reference
Charity rep with big water bottle of money: Give so that homeless won't go hungry, even a dollar helps!
Homeless guy in wheelchair: Give me some of that money, I'm homeless.
Charity rep: Sorry, doesn't work like that.
-- Times Square

Come Back When I've Grown This Out and I'll See What I Can Do
Customer holding $300 worth of lighting equipment: You know, if you want to give me a discount that would be totally fine with me.
Only non-Hasidic employee in sight: Sorry sir, its not my store...I don't even have the right haircut.
-- BH Photo

Dude, Don't Tease the Homeless
Homeless woman on train walking around with a tip cup after playing the guitar: Please spare some change. Somebody. Anybody!
30-something Guido, pulling out a $20: Do you have change?
-- 7 Train

Lindsay Lohan Was Always Quite the Handful
Kid to dad: Order a Margarita so I can have some.
Dad to kid: I don't drink alcohol and you are nine years old!
-- Bar, Montegue Street, Brooklyn

Except When I Went on That Drug Run
(after 20 minute discussion)
Kindergartener: What are we talking about?
Kindergarten teacher: Where have you been all day?
Kindergartener (shrugging): School.
-- Public School

Smart Money Says She's Not the First Child
Little girl (holding stomach and hunched over in pain): Owwww, my belly!
Dad, calmly: Now, Rebeca, don't be overdramatic. You are very fine.
-- Central Park Zoo

They Make Coffee-Flavored Condoms, Right?
Husband: I can't f***ing believe you fell asleep while I was making love to you.
Wife: Yeah, well maybe if your d*** was bigger, I would be more inclined to stay up!
Husband: Maybe we should get a divorce.
Wife: Why? So you can bore some hot 20-something into falling asleep on your d***?
-- In line, MOMA

Thursday, December 4, 2008

some days I'm a super b**** up to my old tricks but it won't last forever next day I'm your super girl out to save the world & it keeps gettin' better

Today was the last day of orgo lab...and the last day of orgo quiz class. Woohoo!! I'm so looking forward to the end of the semester. I seriously hate that class. I just plain suck at chem. Anyway...all we had to do was check out of orgo lab today, so I was out in ten minutes. That was awesome.

Last night, my mom did my hair for me. It was supposed to be light neutral blonde...apparently, when using something approximately three shades darker than my current hair color and leaving it on for the maximum time length (hey, I had to watch the ending of the Victoria's Secret fashion show on CBS), my hair will turn out a medium brown color. It looks pretty and I like it...but it's so not what is said on the box. But since my hair was so light to begin with, I knew that changing my hair color was going to be a two step process, so I used a demi-permanent color (washes out in approx. 28 shampoo(e)s). So...after I wash my hair a couple of times, it'll lighten up a little. But I plan on either using an auburn permanent color or a darker brown permanent color in the next couple of weeks anyway.

Also, I want to go to the 36th Annual Noel Night on Saturday...but I want people to go with me. Like more people than just my younger brother(s) who seem to be willing to go to anything.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I don't want to care or be here at all I don't want to crash I don't want to burn I won't want to forget what I've learned

So...because I don't really have any entries on my MySpace blog, but I didn't want to completely lose them either, I copied and pasted pretty much the whole thing onto a Word document. But I was putting the most recent couple of posts into the document...and ran across the following:
September 7, 2005 – Wednesday
5:34 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos
One More Sad Song
Current mood: crushed
So...the other night some really unhappy thoughts all just came flooding back into my head. I attempted to deal with it...all I accomplished was some continuous water flow. I thought that I had dealt with it, I thought that I was finally able to get over it, I thought...wrong. I thought that I was able to be happy, and not be plagued by the horrible feelings of inadequacy attributed with a particular person. Why is it that one person can affect another so adversely? It sucks majorly if you ask me. I keep putting a happy face on for the world to see...but...once again, I'm just playing a part to please others. And failing at that. I was looking through some of my old journal entries because I figured I was depressed and why shouldn't I add in stronger feelings of sadness and anger that those entries are able to stir in me...probably not the best way for me to cheer up. Oh well.
I was never good enough for...let's call this person Morgan. But anyway, I was never good enough for Morgan, I wasn't outgoing enough, I wasn't shy enough, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't dumb enough. Morgan felt it pertinent to tell me to end my existence. I can't really say anything more about this because then there are a few people that would be able to figure out who I am talking about.

Do you see the little girl inside?
So miniscule and frightened
So full of self-doubt and loathing
So insignificant to the world
So vulnerable
Do you see the little girl inside?
She wants guidance
Needs to be loved
Needs to be needed

Some random thing I found in my journal...was I talking about me? I don't even know who I am anymore.
Currently listening:
In The Zone
By Britney Spears
Release date: By 18 November, 2003

This was originally written about my former stepmom...but as I reread what was written, it made me think about how I've been feeling lately (and pretty much how the ex made me feel). It kinda sucks to see that a second person was able to negatively affect me so. But...I'm going to get past all of that...eventually anyway.

she’s gonna step outside uncover her eyes who knew she could feel so alive her M.O.’s changed she don’t wanna behave ain’t it good to be a brave girl

So...this was supposed to be what I wrote about back on Monday, but then my plans changed.

Anyway...Wednesday and Saturday nights, I went out with some friends. I already said most of what I wanted to about Wednesday night. All that's really left is that I was kinda weirded out by one of my friends when he was talking to me. At the time, I didn't really think anything of it...but later, after I got home, I was a bit weirded out because I didn't know how he knew anything. It was more the way that he asked me the questions he asked (the wording of the questions) than anything else. But I just didn't know how he knew so much, it's not like I really put anything on MySpace or Facebook. And then the second thing that he asked me, made me question something all over again.

Then, again, on Saturday night, someone was asking my friend about me. Now I was even more weirded out by this person knowing my business than I was by the person knowing (and asking questions) on Wednesday night. My biggest reason for being weirded out was that he and I don't even talk to one another and probably haven't in over a year, maybe even two years.

I guess, maybe I should clarify what I'm saying in the previous two paragraphs. People were asking about me and the ex and whether or not we were still together. I didn't feel like having the whole world know my business, so that's why I never really put anything too obvious on MySpace and I never put anything on Facebook at all about it. So,'s just weirding me out that so many people seem to know just what's going on in my personal life, and I don't even know how many people that is.

Anyway...Saturday night, my friend's boyfriend called one of his friends to come join us at the place we were at. His friend is pretty cute, plus he was a nice guy. And it turns out, my friend's boyfriend isn't a bad guy after all (I never really had a chance to talk to the guy before, so I didn't know much about him) seems like he's a good match for my friend. She deserves that...she's dated too many losers in the past. Although, obviously, my judgement is no better than hers. But lately, she's trying really hard to find me a new guy. I'm not quite sure why...but it's appreciated. She's a good person and a good friend. head is killing me (combination of lack of sleep last night and I stupidly quit taking my Topamax in case of my consumption of alcohol) I need to get to bed. Besides, it's nearly 1:00a...definitely bedtime. I was so enjoying the lack of migraines...having one today for the last nine hours is such a joy. Night!!

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

I'm like the ringleader, I call the shots (call the shots) I'm like a firecracker, I make it hot when I put on a show...

Yay!! Today is December 2nd...d'you know what that means? I get to go out and get this. Really though, I probably won't get it this week or even next week. It'll probably have to wait until after Christmas. Oh, well...

I'm thinking about changing my hair color. I'm just not sure how to go about doing it. I'm sick of the really light blonde...especially since I originally only chose it because of a dumb boy. To change my hair is going to be a two step process unless I only want to darken it about one shade, if that. Isn't that fun?

Anyway, I totally bombed the orgo lab test this morning. I'm hoping that I can drop the class without it affecting my financial aid...because otherwise it's going to seriously affect my final grade in the course (the two grades are averaged if the first time isn't dropped). ::sigh:: This is so not a good semester...

Monday, December 1, 2008

watch me now and I'll be someone new my heart will be unbroken it will open up for everyone but you

::sigh:: Once again, it seems like every time that I think I'm okay...somethin' happens to set me off all over again. And this time it was a complete stranger who happened to stumble upon my blog through Google.

Here was the portion of his comment that really made think about what an idiot I was:
I think you deserve someone present and not give'n the brushoff & "drama queen backoff" bit to finagle his way out of any real discussion as to what time it is regarding your relationship (which is sounding one sided). [sic]
And then after I published the comment (I have the comment moderation on, it's a control thing, what can I say?), I clicked the link that comes up to see the post that was commented on. Yeah...that was a really bad idea, because I, of course, read the post. And then proceeded to start crying because I knew then that he was avoiding me, yet he was lying to my face when I would ask him about it. The worst thing is that the stupid post is from just over two months before the relationship ended.

::sigh:: This is the second post for today now...and neither one is what I'd been planning on writing about. I just wish that something super happy would (unexpectedly) happen to me, and that is what caused me to change my preplanned post.

hush just stop there’s nothing you can do or say baby I’ve had enough I’m not your property as from today baby

First off, let me just say that I'm frustrated. So please don't take anything negative I say too seriously.

Ugh...what gives him the right to think that I should just drop everything to go meet him when and where he wants? I'm not his little plaything anymore, I don't have to do what he wants anymore. I have my own life and my own plans. It is not my fault that what I do with my free time doesn't line up well with what he wants. ::rolls eyes:: This morning, the ex asked me a question (that he should have looked up on his own before even talking to me since we're not even really on speaking terms anymore) and it kinda seemed like he got annoyed with my answers to the follow-up questions [he asked me]. But y'know what? For what he wants me to go meet him for, if it waits a couple hours later than what he wants or even another week, it's not a big deal. It's already been a while in the making for the dumb thing anyway. Besides, if he wants the money that badly, he can just go sell the stupid rings he bought for me while we were together. Obviously, they never meant anything to him (nevermind that the one ring never should have been taken away from me to begin with; the other one is debatable and I'm willing to go with either the majority or legality, if there is any). Although, to be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if he already sold them.

And unrelated...but just as annoying, why do people keep saying things to me about my weight? Twice now, I've had very specific comments about much I weigh, or rather the lack of weight I seem to have. And then other people keep asking me if I've lost weight. I just wish that people would stop commenting on my weight. At least, the second person to make a very specific weight comment apologized and said that it was rude. But I told him that what he said wasn't rude (I honestly didn't think anything that he'd said to me was rude), it was just that I didn't understand why people keep saying I weigh so little.

Okay...I'm done ranting now...

Sunday, November 30, 2008

did you see me walking by did it ever make you cry you're my favorite mistake you're my favorite mistake you're my favorite mistake

Just cleaning out some stuff, I came across something that I didn't really want to see, but whatever. Anyway, since I'd come across it, I decided to look at it anyway...and y'know what sucks? Realizing that I never got all of my stuff back...and I'm probably never going to. ::sigh::

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

Friday, November 28, 2008

don't like the scene anyhow I dropped acid on a Saturday night just to see what the fuss was about well there goes the neighborhood

Wednesday night, I went out with some friends. For the first time since I turned 21, I was able to do what I wanted on the biggest bar night of the year. Not that the previous two were absolutely horrible, it's just that...nevermind, I don't know how to word that without sounding b****y.

The only thing was, some hillbilly (meh, I know using stereotypes isn't nice, but whatever the guy said he was from TN and his accent was kinda thick) could not take a hint! I wasn't completely rude or anything...but seriously, if I'd wanted to continue the conversation with him, I would have tried a little harder. Anyway, apparently, my friend's boyfriend sent him over to me. I sarcastically thanked him. But seeing friends was a good thing...but unfortunately, because it's been way too long since I was able to hang out with my friends, I didn't know most of the group (that normally goes out together every Wednesday night). And some of the group that I did know, yeah...if I never saw them again, I wouldn't mind. Oh, well...

I just hate that bars make you smell like an ashtray. Any time that MI wants to pass a smoking ban would be awesome!!

I don't know yet...I might go out again on Saturday night. But it's to celebrate someone's birthday, and I don't particularly care for the person (falls under the 'if I never saw again' category). But just getting out and doing something fun, or partially fun, could be a good thing. Meh...I don't know what to tell my friend (about whether or not I'm going).

My Cosmo horoscope from Wednesday said...
Libra - Scour Facebook for the people from your past (exes included) if curious Mercury makes you wonder what they're doing now.
And then this was the one from VSPink...
Libra - Hit the Books You're so creative, Libra! But your less-than-favorite classes need some love too. Join a study group. Make flash cards. Ask your prof about extra credit. Just don't procrastinate or you'll be sorry.
Umm...well, I really don't think the looking at what my ex is doing is the best idea, but the looking for other people from my past wasn't necessarily a bad suggestion. But, yeah...the "don't procrastinate or you'll be sorry" is sadly true. But, duh...that's got nothing to do with astrology. Just poor time management...and not understanding the material [orgo I] in the least little bit (even when I think that I do and manage to do well on the practice problems, but apparently I'm still failing the tests).

Thursday, November 27, 2008

you can get anything you want at Alice's Restaurant walk right in it's around the back just a half a mile from the railroad track

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Hope everyone has a happy and safe holiday!!

Don't forget about the traditional Thanksgiving day song, Alice's Restaurant - Arlo Guthrie (it's quite possibly one of the longest songs ever!!)...

Monday, November 24, 2008

this is it now everybody get down this is all I can take this is how a heart breaks you take a hit now you feel it break down make you stay wide awake

Okay, I want to try this whole having a boyfriend thing again. The only problem is...I want the stupid jerk that broke my heart (I just don't know if I want him because I still love him or for some other reason). So, yeah...I'm thinking that my judgement isn't the best. Plus, my track record isn't the best when it comes to picking who I date. If we look at the last two guys I dated (since that goes back a little more than three and a half years), we can see that both were pot smoking, coke heads. And one of them may still be, but seeing how I never spoke to him again, I wouldn't know. So, umm, yeah...I apparently have a bit of a thing for drug addicts...and that's really not a good thing.

This leads me to the conclusion that I should leave who the next person I date is up to my friends (and only my friends with good judgement, not the friends who also date losers like I do!). The only guys that I'm allowed to choose for myself are the ones that aren't going to mean anything, so they can't hurt me. So in other words: friends with benefits...but I'm really not the type of girl that can handle that kind of relationship. Don't get me wrong, as long as both of the people involved in the relationship feel okay with what's going on, then good for them (meaning that I don't think that two people have to be in a monogamous/dating relationship with one another to have sex with one another). But as for me, personally, I can't do it, I'm not comfortable with it.

::sigh:: I'm sick of the emotional bipolar disorder. One moment, I feel as though I'm over him (the ex) and almost completely, too...and then another moment, I feel as though my heart as been ripped out all over again. Obviously, I need to move on, because he has already and even told me that he did before the relationship had ended (like, a few weeks ago he told me this, maybe even a week ago).

Saturday, November 22, 2008

I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be a reason to start over new and the reason is you

Seriously, how many people have actually paid attention to the lyrics of Hoobastank's "The Reason"? Because I think there are lots of people who hear(d) the song and are like, 'aww, that's so sweet, he's changing for her!' But in actuality, he's saying, 'sorry, I hurt you so much that I now realize I'm a gigantic a**hole and see that I have to change in order to have a lasting relationship with my new girl, and oh, yeah, I still care about you, just not enough to come back to you.'

And on my way to pick up the girls yesterday afternoon, I heard the song. I've always realized that it's not quite as lovey-dovey as people think.

Oh, yeah, I should probably explain what this rant was about. Thursday, while I was at my dad's house, my brother and I were listening to music on my computer while eating pizza (and looking at slug "porn", that's what we learned about in bio on Wednesday). And he wanted to hear "The Reason," but I don't have that song on any of my playlists. Well, I didn't at the time anyway.

And yays to MTV for playing the most recent season of America's Next Top Model all day today!! It makes up for me not getting to see it. I was so not looking forward to watching it online.'s dinner time, ciao!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

if you were dead or still alive I don't care I don't care just go and leave this all behind 'cause I swear (I swear) I don't care

Here's the weekly round-up of what I found interesting this week:
.:. I can't believe that people just sat there and watched...
.:. Why? Just why? What makes $400,000 worth it?
.:. So very glad that I wasn't on that flight!!
.:. Umm, yeah...probably not the best way to go about getting the hug that you so desperately(?) want...
.:. Yay for cell phones!! At least, yay for this guy's cell phone anyway, it saved his life.
.:. I totally agree with the retired admirals and generals that say to get rid of the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy...
.:. How sad is this? Her husband's coffin killed her...
.:. I know this is nearly four weeks old, but seriously how sweet, adorable and beautiful is this picture?
Just a short one this's getting close to the end of the semester, so the next few will probably be short, also.

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

Wait -- Aren't You a Creative Writing Major?
Girl: And I had to buy my own scalpel, too.
Boy: Well, at least you'll have one now.
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: You never know when you'll need to skin a cat.
Girl: Or a person...
-- Columbia University

Do They Make Them in a Slingback?
Thug: What kinda shoes are those?
Chick in black feather skirt with 5-inch red & white heels: Miu Mius.
Thug: They're pretty.
-- Bryant Park Tents

My Barbie Says Girls Don't Care About Such Things
Park Slope mom: What did you do in science class today?
Five-year-old girl: You do not want to know.
-- F Train

A New York Cop is Born
Four-year old boy #1: Hey, try to catch me!
Four-year old boy #2: Shut the f*** up, motherf***er!
-- Carroll Gardens

And the Marks Were in the Shape of a Heart
Girl: I can't get drunk when you're not.
Guy: Why not?
Girl: You hit me, you're mean to me, you bite me--the last time you left marks on my boobs!
Guy: I never hit you.
-- 125th St & Broadway

Many Birds Have Difficulty Adjusting to City Life
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (doors stay open) Pull yourself inside the door and let it close! (still open) Pull your pecker in! (doors close)
-- Downtown 2 Train

There's That Ivy League Logic
Druggie #1: No. Technically, if you don't have anything on you, they can't arrest you.
Druggie #2: Are you suggesting we smoke naked?
-- Columbia University

It's Not Delivery, It's Wednesday One-Liners
Six-year-old to friends: We should have an Obama pizza party!
-- Park Slope
...and there are six more one liners...

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Workin' on the Railroad, All the Livelong Day
Conductor: Hey, partner, can we go? (static) We can't? Why the heck not? Hey, moron, get your a** in here! You're holding up a bunch of wonderful people! Wonderful New York commuters who don't need this kind of f***ing bulls*** at 3 on a Friday afternoon! (static) Yes, you! Keep pointing at yourself and my answer will keep being... Yes, it's you! Godd***it, get in the f***ing train! I hate dealing with this! (long pause) You know what, make a decision: either cram your Rosie O'Donnell a** in or get the f*** out! Oh, look, he's in! (slow, sarcastic applause) Partner, we can bounce up on out of here now.
-- 1 Train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 250 years there will be track work on weekends. Don't say that no one told you.
-- R Train

Conductor: If you don't fit on this train kindly wait for the next B. (doors close) That was excellent, ladies and gentlemen, if you keep this up, we'll all be home really soon.
-- B Train

Conductor, looking forward to the end of his shift: All right folks, this is your 6:07 train to New Haven stopping at 125th, then express to Stamford. We're off...(makes clippy-clop noises) Neeiiigghh!
-- Metro-North Train

Conductor: This is 125th Street, may the force be with you, next stop 86th Street.
-- 4 Train

Conductor, after train goes through stop: Whoops! My bad. My bad.
-- G Train

Conductor, after train stops: Ladies and gentlemen, there is train traffic up ahead. We'll start moving as soon... (train starts moving) Oh, well, I guess that's cleared up. Weee!
-- Downtown A Train

back in school they never taught us what we needed to know like how to deal with despair or someone breakin' your heart

I love my younger sister. While I was at my daddy's house last night, she said that we should go tp the ex's house or his car, and that she'd go with me. I told her that we couldn't go do that. I wasn't going to do anything that made me look bad, or destroyed property. Especially not anything as bad what her friend did (she broke her ex's car window, like blew it out! crazy 16 y/o girl!!)! I mean, yeah, don't get me wrong, it would probably release a lot of pent-up anger and feel really good, possibly cathartic, to do something stupid and immature like that (the harmless, but messy tp'ing), but why? I would just look like an idiot.

A couple hours later, maybe earlier than that, when I was getting ready for bed, I had an away message up saying something about what my sister had said and he sent me an IM to say not to f*** with his house or his car. Umm, hello? Does he not know me? I told him pretty much the same thing that I said in the first paragraph, with most of the details left out. I just made it known that I wouldn't do something like that. Besides, he lives way out of my way...but more important and to the point: it's just not worth it to do something vindictive.

I got annoyed with him for saying that I'm not the same person I was when he met me. Like, duh!, we were in high school when we met, I was 16 years old. I should hope not. I really hope that I've matured and grown as a person since then. Honestly, though, I had a feeling that he most likely meant that I wasn't the same person that I was three years ago. But y'know what? Neither is he. And that's not to say that we haven't changed in positive ways, because before this past month or two, I would have said that he's still the same, but better. Which means, he's not the same, because if something improves, it's no longer the same. Anyway, I digress...

Yesterday, he was both decent to me (in the morning) and an a**hole to me (in the midday/afternoon). And even felt the need/want(?) to ask me if I thought he had a personality disorder. Are you kidding me? Even if I had an opinion of my own to give him, I am not a licensed psychologist nor am I licensed psychiatrist. Therefore, it would be unethical for me to answer his question (I didn't, by the way, I told him the second half of the previous sentence). When I got home from orgo lab and saw that he'd asked me that, I just thought that it was another ploy. Plus, he called me during my lab...for what seemed like just to upset me. I was in a good mood when I started lab, after having him call me for what turned out to be a phone call essentially about what a b**** I am, I didn't feel as great anymore. He has a new girlfriend now, why can't he leave me alone?

::sigh:: I just wish that I'd known then, what I know now. I would have saved every IM convo we had, because then maybe, just maybe, someone else would see that I'm not crazy and everything isn't in my head. ::sigh:: The in person convos would've been a little hard to record and keep record of though. But, still...just to show that I'm not as bad as I looked and probably still look to so many people. Out, around other people, I almost always looked like the bad guy...and when I said anything, I was told [by him] that it was all in my head. But then again, he told me that him trying to push me away was all in my head, as well as him not caring about me anymore or loving me anymore. And just this week, he told me that he'd been lying to my face about those things when I would ask point blank. So...maybe I'm not crazy after all...?

I only really started thinking about this stuff over again because on Wednesday when the new Advice Goddess column (C'mon, my obsession with advice columns is nothing new) was posted, I instantly knew what it felt like to be in the letter writer's position. I just hoped that she's smart enough to listen to the columnist's advice...but I know how hard it is to do the smart thing when your heart says to do something else.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner it was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced are you thinking of me when you f*** her? post from this morning, I actually wrote up and posted on either Saturday or Sunday, but I posted it with today's date because today is exactly one month after the ex broke up with me and I didn't think that I was going to be feeling any differently. I mean, c'mon, let's face it, I was head over heels in love with the guy for the better part of the last three years. Even when he was treating me like s***, for some dumba** reason, I was still in love with him.

But after I talked to him last night, which wasn't as heartbreaking as I'd thought it was going to be, and I felt absolutely nothing for him [at the time]. I realized that I'm over him. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hurt and feel betrayed...but I don't feel any love or even any like as in I want to maintain the friendship that he proposed towards him anymore. I can still be polite and civil towards him, but...yeah... I just wish that things had ended so much better between us. Because after waking up today, and having time with my thoughts, now I'm just pissed off and only feel hate and other negative feelings towards him. I honestly don't understand why he felt the need to string me along and tell me what he thought that I wanted to hear. Why did he think that drawing things out would make anything better? ::sigh::

But I also feel confusion about whether or not completely writing him off and not being friends with him is the right thing to do. I think that's because I spent nearly three years with the guy and want to believe that I didn't make a mistake. I want to believe that my judgement wasn't as clouded and wrong as I'm now thinking that it was. Because if it truly was, then I don't want to believe that I let myself get hurt so badly.

Truly, I hope he treats the girl he's dating now, better than he treated me. Because whoever she is, she deserves better than that. Any girl does...well, y'know, as long as she's a decent human being. It just kinda sucks (in an oh,-well-that's-life way) to find out that after he pretty much accused me of cheating, it turns out he was the one who was pretty much doing that exact thing, since she's some girl from one of his classes. But supposedly, he could never to do that me or have feelings for another person while in a relationship with someone else. ::sigh:: ::shrug:: It's just hard to believe what he says when two days in a row he tells me things that show he lied to my face on numerous occasions, and therefore contradict his claim of only lying to me about the big thing.

I know that I sound bitter, but it's hard to not sound that way since I'm angry. But since I don't know her, I don't wish anything bad to or against her. So...I really and truly do wish them luck. And...inside, I'm not as bitter as I sound at the moment. I don't know, everything that keeps coming out of my mouth though, just sounds so bitter and angry. I need to work on that, because it's not healthy.

Y'know the one thing I can't figure out about me though? For some reason, if I say something too bad about him, I feel like I'm obligated to say how he's not that bad. Like, I have to show that I'm not some "crazy ex-girlfriend" out to vilify her ex-boyfriend.

P.S. Sorry this is so long.