My photo
As of February 23, 2012, I have a very sweet, very cute little boy. Baby PGS is my world now.

Baby PGS tickers

Lilypie Second Birthday tickers Lilypie Breastfeeding tickers

Baby S. #2

Lilypie Maternity tickers

Saturday, August 16, 2008

I’m not fine, I’m in pain it’s harder everyday maybe we’re better off this way? it’s better that we break...

Ugh...I don't know what to do... My "boyfriend" is way too busy for me. But I can't say anything to him because then I'm being a "drama queen" or "wanting all of [his] free time." I don't get it. I feel like he wants this to fail. He tells me that whether or not we succeed is dependent on me...meaning, whether or not I'm a "drama queen." How can the success of a relationship be solely dependent upon one person? The success of a relationship is dependent upon whether or not those involved are vested in the success of it...right? ::sigh::

Lately...I just feel like all he sees me as is a female friend that he [maybe] has a crush on, but doesn't want to tell...or worse, he only sees me as some whore that he can call when he thinks that he can get some. Because even though he says we're dating as long as that's what I want...I don't think that's what he wants at all. He keeps saying that he wants a "stable, drama free" relationship, but that it's all up to me to create that. I don't know if he realizes just how much he helps to create that drama he despises so much. He doesn't like the way I react to what he does...yet he consistently does the same things over and over again. And then calls me a drama queen for it. But if I try not to react the way that I really want to, or try to ignore it, he gets mad at me, too. This time for hiding things. It's not fair...I can't win.

Against my better judgement, I stupidly called him the other night because I hadn't really talked to him in a couple of days and I missed him...but he just sounded annoyed that I had called him (he says he was "just really tired"...except that when he answered the phone he sounded wide awake and like he was with other people, and he's the one that asked if he could call me back at a later time). It wasn't like I really had anything to say to him, it was just that I missed him and I wanted to say 'hi.' I don't know...maybe all communication should just be left up to him...? Then he can decide if/when to contact me (he can be in control of the relationship, hopefully this way I can't f*** it up). This way, I won't bother him. I'm sure that will backfire and cause a problem...but I don't know what else to do...I'm at a loss... Everything I say to him seems to piss him off. No matter how I word it...I don't know what I do wrong most of the time.

Yesterday, I tried to ask him what was going on...but it didn't really clarify anything for me. He just gave me some answer that said...well, I don't really know what it said. I really just think he's avoiding me. I don't even know what I did wrong. Even though he says that I didn't do anything wrong...yet it still feels like I did. I feel like a pariah.

Just to have a male perspective, I asked one of his friends what he thought. But I consider the guy a friend, too...that was my real reason for asking his opinion, not because he is also the boy's friend. I wouldn't have been offended had the guy told me that he didn't want to be put in the middle. I would have understood completely. I just didn't think it was something that a girl could answer for me and be of any help. Honestly though...I don't know how much I can put into what he said to me...I so badly want to believe the answer he gave me because it goes with what I know of the boy, but...

According to one of my good friends, her honest opinion is that it's time to move on. I asked her what she would think in my shoes when I gave her what I know...well, I didn't have time to give her all that I know. So maybe her honest opinion wasn't the best. But I've talked to her on multiple occasions, so she does know more than just what I told her yesterday. We talked for a bit (having two conversations at once) and I felt a little better after talking to her...but still just as confused.

::sigh:: And in just over a week, his fall classes start...which meet four nights a week (Tuesday through Friday). So if I'm lucky, I might see him once a week...if that. Because he's still got to study, spend time with family and/or friends, and have time to himself. And when our relationship was more serious, he made it seem as though I was last on that I can't see how I would be any higher now that he wants a "less serious" relationship.

How can we make our relationship work on less serious level if he avoids me? If we almost never see each other? Is his goal to hurt me to the point that I hate him? Because if go a few weeks without seeing my boyfriend because he thinks I'm not important enough, then he just might meet that goal... I don't know...maybe his goal is to hurt me to the point that I don't want to try anymore and he can be rid of me... I wish I knew what he was thinking...instead he's just a stranger to me. I used to know I have no idea who he is.


  1. (keep in mind I just threw some junk into google and this was one of the first hits)

    but I read your story & from the male sounds like maybe a couple things are going on...he's trying to let you down gently & isn't really looking for a quasey committed relationship, "backburnering" you, or just a creep you're wasting time with.

    Personally, I'm kinda feel'n bad for you as it seems you have a lot of good hearted maturity to bring to a relationship and that someone would be pretty lucky to have the chance & time...but kinda wasting your efforts on a guy who doesn't know what he wants, but kinda sorta sound'n like not a relationship.

    I think you deserve someone present and not give'n the brushoff & "drama queen backoff" bit to finagle his way out of any real discussion as to what time it is regarding your relationship (which is sounding one sided).

    You're pretty & smart & deserve better then this clown.

    Cheers from across the river from London, Ontario

  2. well, thanks for you positivity...I don't know if you (meaning the anonymous commenter @ 10:15p on 12/01/08) were curious to click on anything more recent, but I later found out that he was being cowardly and didn't want to tell me the truth...

  3. Hey, well again i just typed the maroon 5 lyrics up and your blog came up.
    I kinda feel a bit guilty cause whats happening to you sounds like what ive been doing to this girl for quite a while.
    I guess some guys like us are just Asses, and theres really no way out for it :(

    Soz to both of you girls