whenever you remember times gone by remember how we held our heads so high when all this world was there for us

I decided that I would reflect on this since it's now been up for two years exactly. Yeah, yeah...I know, if one looks over at the archives list on the right in the sidebar, it shows that it goes back as far as 2005 which would make my math of 2y off. Except that all of the posts that are dated before 02.08.07 are originally from my MySpace blog...so the very first time that I posted anything on here was on 02.08.07.

Anyway...for each year, there are more posts than the last (omitting this year because it's only the second week of the second month). Last year, there are nearly 250 posts! I doubt that I'm going to top that this year, though. I've kinda been lax on posting anything. I just haven't felt like it. I don't know why.

maybe I'll sleep when I am dead but now it's like the night is taking sides all the worries that occupy the back of my mind

Yay!! Tomorrow is officially my last day of the semester. Thank god. I'm so ready to be done. This semester sucked. Both academically and personally.

For the most part, I think/feel that everything happens for a reason...even if I think that the reason sucks or whatever happened sucks. But a couple of weeks ago, I started thinking that it would be pretty cool if the mind erasing that's done in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was really possible...then I just might go for it... Y'know? Only I don't think that I'd end up trying to stop it like Jim Carrey ended up trying to do. At least, I think that's how the movie went. I only saw it once and didn't like it.

On an unrelated note, I was thinking that since I previously had another blog, vérité sans peur, (but accidentally deleted because I'm awesome like that) and almost everything in it was the same as the stuff in my MySpace blog, maybe I would just post all of those previous entries on here. But then that's a lot of editing to do. I don't know what to do. Meh...

And then earlier this afternoon, my friend called me but because I was at work and helping the younger girl with her homework I had to ask my friend if I could call her back. But as I was asking her, she started to ask me something about a picture...and when I called her back, she didn't answer...so now, I'm super curious as to what she was calling me for. Especially since she hasn't called me back yet. Ugh...I hate it when I get my curiosity piqued but can't get an answer when I want one.

Okay...well, this was kind of a random post today, but, yeah...my thoughts were all over the place. I don't know, I'm rambling now...so ciao!!

I don't want to care or be here at all I don't want to crash I don't want to burn I won't want to forget what I've learned

So...because I don't really have any entries on my MySpace blog, but I didn't want to completely lose them either, I copied and pasted pretty much the whole thing onto a Word document. But I was putting the most recent couple of posts into the document...and ran across the following:

September 7, 2005 – Wednesday
5:34 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos
One More Sad Song
Current mood: crushed
So...the other night some really unhappy thoughts all just came flooding back into my head. I attempted to deal with it...all I accomplished was some continuous water flow. I thought that I had dealt with it, I thought that I was finally able to get over it, I thought...wrong. I thought that I was able to be happy, and not be plagued by the horrible feelings of inadequacy attributed with a particular person. Why is it that one person can affect another so adversely? It sucks majorly if you ask me. I keep putting a happy face on for the world to see...but...once again, I'm just playing a part to please others. And failing at that. I was looking through some of my old journal entries because I figured I was depressed and why shouldn't I add in stronger feelings of sadness and anger that those entries are able to stir in me...probably not the best way for me to cheer up. Oh well.
I was never good enough for...let's call this person Morgan. But anyway, I was never good enough for Morgan, I wasn't outgoing enough, I wasn't shy enough, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't dumb enough. Morgan felt it pertinent to tell me to end my existence. I can't really say anything more about this because then there are a few people that would be able to figure out who I am talking about.


Do you see the little girl inside?
So miniscule and frightened
So full of self-doubt and loathing
So insignificant to the world
So vulnerable
Do you see the little girl inside?
She wants guidance
Needs to be loved
Needs to be needed
Some random thing I found in my journal...was I talking about me? I don't even know who I am anymore.
Currently listening:
In The Zone
By Britney Spears
Release date: By 18 November, 2003

This was originally written about my former stepmom...but as I reread what was written, it made me think about how I've been feeling lately (and pretty much how the ex made me feel). It kinda sucks to see that a second person was able to negatively affect me so. But...I'm going to get past all of that...eventually anyway.

did you see me walking by did it ever make you cry you're my favorite mistake you're my favorite mistake you're my favorite mistake

Just cleaning out some stuff, I came across something that I didn't really want to see, but whatever. Anyway, since I'd come across it, I decided to look at it anyway...and y'know what sucks? Realizing that I never got all of my stuff back...and I'm probably never going to. ::sigh::

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

yeah 'cause we are broken what must we do to restore our innocence and oh the promise we adored give us life again 'cause we just wanna be whole

So...unlike the post earlier today, that I took down as soon as the boy started yelling at me for it...this one is just about getting opinions.

If a girl and a guy are in a relationship, but said "boyfriend" has had his MySpace relationship status set to "Single" for more than two weeks...would it still considered cheating if said girl were to go out, have fun and possibly end up with another guy?

It's not that I plan on doing something, it's just that knowing what other people think, too, would be a help. I, honestly, don't plan on messing around with any other guys because it just doesn't sound appealing to me. Actually...the whole gender sounds like a turn-off at the moment, but that's a whole 'nother topic...

Okay...well...I guess...this whole post is kinda moot now, since the "boyfriend" in question changed his status to some scrolling text...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

with friends like you who needs enemies you ain't right you ain't never gonna be you're out of the call I'm afraid you've been declined

Yesterday afternoon, I posted the following bulletin on MySpace:

I'm not sure what to do...I don't really want any reminder of a cold-hearted person...but that would mean getting rid of a few things (or having to buy new ones to replace them)...what would you do if you were me? Any help you can give would greatly appreciated...thanks!!

And then I got the following response (copied exactly as it was in my MySpace Inbox) from one of the boy's best friends:

I'd say #1 don't post things like this on the internet...it's childish.

#2: If you would have followed my advice about respecting the people around you(including your boyfriend), not being so obviously self centered, and fixing/changing your bad attitude, you would not be in your situation. You have a foul presence Ashley. You need to grow up and learn to get along with people.

Good luck...

~[Name Withheld]

I don't understand why people can't follow the whole 'if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all' thing... ::sigh:: The worst part about him thinking that he can say something like that me, is that if the boy and I still get married, most likely he'll stand up in the wedding. I don't think as the best man, but as a groomsman at least. I don't even like the guy; he makes me uncomfortable because ever since I met him he's been inappropriate around me...but whatever. Hopefully now he'll leave me alone and never talk to me again. I thought that I'd already deleted him from my friend list a while ago, but I very quickly deleted him after that message.

I know that I shouldn't have let that upset me...but when I read that last night, it really upset me. Not so much because of who said it, but because at the time the boy and I were trying to talk to one another and work things out...and I was afraid that if his friend was stupid bold enough to say something like that to me (after sending the boy a text saying that he'd sent me a strongly worded MySpace message), then what would he say to him to his face and what did the boy think? Did he agree? And I'm not self-centered enough to think that I'm often a topic of discussion for the boy and his friends (I'm of the thinking that I'm almost never a topic of discussion).

you say you'll call but I know you you say you're coming home but I know you you say you'll call but I know you won't

I don't know what to do...I'm almost certain that after today I'm single. And that's not what I want. I want him and I to be able to work things out and stay together. I don't want to eventually be with someone else...or even with nobody else. Not that being happy on my own is a bad alternative, it's just not what I want. I want to be happy with him. It's not fair that we're unable to get along... I don't want to have to go over and see him in a few days for the sole reason of getting my things and giving him the things of his that I have.

Last night, when he said something along the lines of the baseball game and homework/studying today...I knew that he meant that he probably wouldn't have time to see me. Nevermind that when he told me that he was going to baseball game on Sunday, that he'd still have time for me afterwards. But I knew that he wouldn't…

I really was hoping that this weekend would go well for us...I needed it to. But I'm so worn out by not being good enough for him, by not being what he wants, by always feeling like I'm the very last thing on his list of priorities...I just can't do it anymore.

I told him last night, that for a while now I've been aware that I'm not going to marry him...even though I want to. Even though I've been going through the motions of planning a wedding...I wasn't going to let anyone put any deposits down or anything like that because I didn't want to hurt him yet by telling him that I'm not willing to go through with this relationship.

::sigh:: I knew that I was going to post this blog entry, so I changed the password to my MySpace account just in case he was tempted to sign in as me and read this. ::sigh:: I think I've only signed in as him once, and I told him about it the same day.

I miss him already...and we haven't even actually ended things yet...how much does that suck?

[originally posted on my MySpace blog - as a "private" post]

'cause you really got it wrong I didn't steal your boyfriend

so...who wants to be my new boyfriend?

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

I still don’t have the reason and you don’t have the time and it really makes me wonder if I ever gave a f*** about you

I just want to say this first: I am not picking on anyone. Having said that...I totally agree with what this article says. Some people are just too picky and it completely kills their chances of finding someone to have fun with, let alone fall in love with.

Hooray!!! Now there is a possible reason as to why I heart chocolate...



::sigh:: In a totally unrelated note...I hate sleepiness!!

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

it's my party and I'll cry if I want to cry if I want to cry if I want to you would cry too if it happened to you

So...hooray for not having the best birthday ever...

I have my least favorite class to go to Friday mornings...I always seem to do a good job of scheduling my least favorite class for the day that my birthday falls on. While I was babysitting two little girls, my head started to hurt...hooray for migraines... Then on my way home from there...I got a speeding ticket...the best part of getting a ticket was that I was already in my driveway when he "pulled" me over. Oh, and the way that the cop parked the car behind me, he pretty much had the only way onto and off of my street blocked off...only motorcycles could squeeze through. Plus...I apparently have an attitude problem...don't know what I did to get yelled at for that.

Seeing how I already had a migraine and I'm already stressed out majorly lately...just adding one more stress to the list caused me to start crying by the time that I got in the house...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

I'm in the business of misery let's take it from the top she's got a body like an hourglass that's tickin' like a clock

Well...it's been a week since school started...and I've been to all of my classes now... I already had my Spanish teacher before, so I knew what to expect and I like him. He's a pretty good teacher. Not so sure about my psych teacher yet...she's really kinda out there. I mean, c'mon, the first thing she had us do in class was make masks...it's a psychology class, not an art class. But...I'll give her a few more weeks before I decide if I like her or not. My anthropology teacher seems pretty cool...so far I like her. My history teacher seems pretty cool so far, too.

I figured it was time to update my "About me" section...but the old one is still pretty true and I didn't know if I should get rid of it or not...so I just copied it here:

Hmmm...what to say...I am me. Whether that's unique or not...I really don't know. I am definitely much too narcissistic for my own good, but...oh, well. Deal with it. I'm really friendly, but I tend to come across as stuck-up. It's just that I can be shy around people until I am comfortable with them. After I become comfortable around a person, I don't shut up.

My goal in life is to become an ER physician...I decided that at age nine. I'm determined to achieve my goals, sometimes that gets misconstrued as stubborn. I'm that also, and independent and intelligent. I'm also naive and jaded, cynical and optimistic...just a walking contradiction. I am a science nerd...I'm comfortable being that.

And I have one of the shortest attention spans...ADD much?

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

I’m not fine I’m in pain it’s harder everyday maybe we’re better off this way? it’s better that we break...

Hooray for giving up!!! Yep yep yep...even though you told me that I should quit pretending and stop living my life for other people...I'm going to continue to do what's worked oh-so-well in the past for me. Trying to do the right thing isn't going to work out. It really isn't...I just don't care enough for it to. So...sorry...except that I'm not really. I mean, I am because I know you'll be upset, but I'm not sorry because it's so much easier. Giving up is the easier thing to do. Trying to control it isn't working for me anymore, I can't do it. It's too hard and too much work. It's causing me too much stress. Pretending is easier and it always will be...happier isn't necessary. Sorry, it just isn't.

P.S. sorry to anyone that wasted time trying understand this...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

when you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you when you're gone the face I came to know is missing too

::sigh:: I have no idea what to do right now...I know what I want to do...but I don't know what to do... ::sigh:: I'm seriously considering making some drastic changes...just because I'm sick of trying anymore... Nothing works...but to be perfectly honest, I don't think that I've really been trying all that well to fix things anyway... I wish that I still cared...but I just don't anymore... I'm sorry...I really am.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

you knew exactly what you would do and don't say you simply lost your way she may believe you but I never will never again

Blah...blah...blah...it's only 1:00p...but I feel like it's 10:00p... I went with my mom to pick up my brother from Gladwin this morning. I have no idea why I needed to be woken up at 3:30 in the effen morning...it's not like I needed to impress anyone in Hicksville...seriously, I could have been woken up about 10 minutes before we had to leave. That would have given me enough time to get dressed and put my hair in a ponytail. My only two requirements before leaving. Instead I was up for the whole freakin' 40-45 minutes it took my mom to get ready to go get him. For some reason, she believes that she needs to look alive when driving at that asinine hour. Me? I'm perfectly fine with looking like a zombie who just rolled out of bed. So...yeah...I haven't really been able to take a nap either. I tried...it didn't work out so well... All right...I guess I'm done rambling...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

wake up call caught you in the morning with another one in my bed don't you care about me anymore? don’t you care about me? I don't think so

Blah-di-blah-di-blah-blah... I'm in a happy mood, and I'm not a hundred percent sure why...not that I'm complaining or anthing... Plus...I'm all hyper and spastic...but that's not really a good thing...it just kinda makes me a brat... I just become a big annoyance and drive people insane...

Okay...all done...I guess anyway...I got bored...


[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

one night yeah and one more time thanks for the memories thanks for the memories "See, he tastes like you only sweeter."

I hate AT&T. Just thought that I'd share that little tidbit with the world. Or at least the world that has the ability to access my myspace blogs. Our stupid Internet connection is "lost" about every 45 to 60 minutes or so. It's the most annoying thing in the world. And according to the guy on the phone my mom talked to yesterday afternoon, it's EMI...so the modem thingy needs to be kept in a room all by its lonesome. At least, that's my frustrated solution. Oh, yeah...part of the phone plan my parents pay for stipulates no payments for having techs come out to your home to fix things, and the guy on the phone said that if she wanted to pay for it, my mom could have a tech come out and look at it for us.

Oh, and yesterday...I was about ready to murder an infant. She would NOT quit crying. But...hooray for being able to hand her off to her parents. ::sigh::

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

everyday with every worthless word we get more far away the distance between us makes it so hard to stay but nothing lasts forever but be honest babe

My head hurts...and it's hurt pretty much every day since Wednesday...so that means nearly a week straight of continuous headaches... Someone shoot me now. Actually, y'know what? That's a bad idea, I don't want someone to shoot me. I just want my misery to go away. I have a stuffy nose, too. My head hurts, I can't breathe, my lower abdomen hurts and my lower back hurts. Hooray for me! I'm one big complaint. Okay, I'm done being whiny. At least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself because otherwise I'm going to annoy the hell out of myself (as well as everyone around me) with my incessant whining.

And...eww...it smells like rotten ears of corn in my fridge...but we don't have any...nor do we have any fresh vegetables...so nobody knows what is causing the gross smell... Okay...well, that little rant was because my two youngest brothers were just looking in the fridge for something to take to their baseball game for hydration.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

it's time to be a big girl now and big girls don't cry don't cry don't cry don't cry

::sigh:: thoroughly confused...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

fly away from here anywhere yeah I don't care we'll just fly away from here our hopes and dreams are out there somewhere won't let time pass us by

I'm not really sure about what to do about something... ::sigh:: I want to do the something...but I don't know what to do... I'm always so worried about making the "right" decisions in my life, that I'm afraid that I'm screwing myself by always trying to make the "right" decision. Ugh...I wish that I knew what to do...and was willing to do the thing that will make me happy without having to worry about it being the "right" decision or not... ::sigh::

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

cuz I wanna have a bit of true love don’t ever wanna have to go and give you up stay up 'til 4 in the morning and the tears are pouring

Today, an envelope from my school came for me...it was a 'Dean's List' letter. Not to be conceited, but...duh. If I managed to work my butt off to receive straight As, it just makes sense that I would make the Dean's List. Okay, my conceited moment is over.

Anyway...I'm sleepy...like majorly...I've been up since about 6:15a. I just love how I instinctively wake up at least 15 minutes before my alarm...it's such a wonderful thing. Or not.

I think I'm going to go get something to eat now...no idea what...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]