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As of February 23, 2012, I have a very sweet, very cute little boy. Baby PGS is my world now.

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I don't want to care or be here at all I don't want to crash I don't want to burn I won't want to forget what I've learned

So...because I don't really have any entries on my MySpace blog, but I didn't want to completely lose them either, I copied and pasted pretty much the whole thing onto a Word document. But I was putting the most recent couple of posts into the document...and ran across the following:
September 7, 2005 – Wednesday
5:34 PM - 0 Comments - 0 Kudos
One More Sad Song
Current mood: crushed
So...the other night some really unhappy thoughts all just came flooding back into my head. I attempted to deal with it...all I accomplished was some continuous water flow. I thought that I had dealt with it, I thought that I was finally able to get over it, I thought...wrong. I thought that I was able to be happy, and not be plagued by the horrible feelings of inadequacy attributed with a particular person. Why is it that one person can affect another so adversely? It sucks majorly if you ask me. I keep putting a happy face on for the world to see...but...once again, I'm just playing a part to please others. And failing at that. I was looking through some of my old journal entries because I figured I was depressed and why shouldn't I add in stronger feelings of sadness and anger that those entries are able to stir in me...probably not the best way for me to cheer up. Oh well.
I was never good enough for...let's call this person Morgan. But anyway, I was never good enough for Morgan, I wasn't outgoing enough, I wasn't shy enough, I wasn't smart enough, I wasn't dumb enough. Morgan felt it pertinent to tell me to end my existence. I can't really say anything more about this because then there are a few people that would be able to figure out who I am talking about.

Do you see the little girl inside?
So miniscule and frightened
So full of self-doubt and loathing
So insignificant to the world
So vulnerable
Do you see the little girl inside?
She wants guidance
Needs to be loved
Needs to be needed

Some random thing I found in my journal...was I talking about me? I don't even know who I am anymore.
Currently listening:
In The Zone
By Britney Spears
Release date: By 18 November, 2003

This was originally written about my former stepmom...but as I reread what was written, it made me think about how I've been feeling lately (and pretty much how the ex made me feel). It kinda sucks to see that a second person was able to negatively affect me so. But...I'm going to get past all of that...eventually anyway.

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