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As of February 23, 2012, I have a very sweet, very cute little boy. Baby PGS is my world now.

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Saturday, December 6, 2008

I’m trying to hold it together and it’s like I’m never better looks like I’m not getting better not getting better wait I’m coming undone

Post #300!!

Anyway...I don't know how much longer I can keep lying to myself. ::sigh:: I keep telling myself that I'm over him, that he's not important anymore, what he thinks of me doesn't matter, what he says to me won't affect me. And then he'll start talking to me again and say mean things and I get upset all over again. I'm so sick of being called a "b****." I'm not one. I don't understand why someone is so bent on thinking the absolute worst of me and has to point that out to me in the meanest way possible.

I don't understand why he keeps telling me things that make him sound like a liar. Why is telling me things that he knows are going to hurt me so much fun for him? I just don't get it. And if I was so horrible, and everyone in his life hated me...then why did he stick around so long? Just to use me and take advantage of me? Was that fun for him?

I wish that when my dad got hurt, the ex had never come up to the hospital that day. Because every time that I got upset about my dad being hurt, he would get mad at me for it. I mean, now I realize it was because he didn't care about me anymore. But still, that hurt at the time...and it still kind of does... I just wish that I'd had the courage to end our relationship when I first wanted to...I just wish that I hadn't been so stupid and blinded and controlled.

Most of all...I wish that I was able to move on and heal. I wish for my benefit that I wasn't so stuck. I hate the way that I feel.

Umm, yeah...if you couldn't tell from the tone of the post, I saw the ex today...and it didn't go very well.

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