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As of February 23, 2012, I have a very sweet, very cute little boy. Baby PGS is my world now.

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Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I'm just a step away I'm just a breath away losin' my faith today fallin' off the edge today

Maybe if I had been born an only child or the youngest, I wouldn't feel such a need to take care of people...or get so pissed off at 'em either.

Ugh...I should be studying for a midterm right now, so maybe it's a good thing I can't figure out how to word my thoughts. Not having anything intelligible to write means less time spent doing something other than schoolwork...

Saturday, October 30, 2010

if someone said three years from now you'd be long gone I'd stand up and punch them out cos they're all wrong I know better cos you said "forever"

So...hooray for making it through the day without a hitch... And...that's not at all cryptic. :P

Anyway, if three years ago someone had said I wasn't going to get married today, I'd have thought they were crazy. Of course, I'd also have thought, maybe, just maybe they're right. Yeah, today was supposed to be my wedding...but that guy is now married to some other chick (if that seriously intrigues you, then look at the end of 2008 stuff) and I'm engaged to someone else. Someone who treats me better, actually follows through on promises (most of the time anyway, he's human so occasional mistakes are forgivable :)) and loves me for me. In a super cheesy line of thought, "Teenage Dream" is a pretty good representation of my thoughts.

Now if only we could actually agree on a plan for our wedding...

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I pray your brakes go out running down a hill I pray a flowerpot falls from a window sill and knocks you in the head like I'd like to

[insert extremely frustrated scream]

::sigh:: the other day when I mentioned something about being frustrated but not wanting to expand upon that, here's the explanation (the abridged version anyway ;)):

My dad is selling his house. No big deal because I understand his reasons for wanting to do so, it makes the most sense. Slight problem with him selling his house, I live in it. Until seeing something about banks temporarily halting foreclosures (just used the first news link I found in a Google search), my fiance and I were in the process of looking for a house. This is why I wasn't too worried about my dad choosing to sell his house. Well, after hearing the 'stop looking for a house' command, I got a little stressed in the "where am I going to live?" line of thinking. I was thinking, 'if I'm stressed to a manageable level with school (I need at least a 3.8 this semester in order to raise my g.p.a. to a breathable level for grad school applications), what happens when I go past that level stressing about unknown living arrangements?'

Umm...yeah...about that... My dad is never going to sell this house. Not if the way the previous three or four house showings have gone. Today just cemented my thought that stressing over living situations was irrational. Honestly, who wants to look at a house when the inhabitants/owners are home? And to top that off, a kitten is running around afraid of the strangers, a hyper puppy is jumping on you and it's a little hard to even look at one of the bedrooms because a teenager is sleeping in the bed and you can't see the floor in her room anyway. Yeah...what am I worried about?

Note: I wasn't actually home during the house showing because like a good girl, I didn't come straight home, so my scenario could be a lot off from the way actual events happened. But I do know that nobody who was expected to be home before 1:00pm this afternoon left the house.

Monday, October 18, 2010

can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars I could really use a wish right now (wish right now, wish right now)


Okay...that should be enough space and warning to anyone who has never seen the movie "Pay It Forward" and still wants to.

Anyway, tonight in my social work class we had to watch the movie "Pay It Forward" and my only opinion of the movie is that it's crap. Don't get me wrong, the idea behind the "pay it forward movement" is a great one. A little idealistic, but still a good idea. But the ending of the movie is so freaking unbelievable that any possibility I had of liking it went right out the window in the last 10 minutes of it. Seriously, a knife wound in someone's abdomen would not kill the person in a densely populated area such as Las Vegas. At least, not someone who is in relatively good health otherwise. Meaning, a 7th grade boy would not die of a stab wound. He might have had a punctured lung or something else a little more serious than a scrape, but the lung is really the only vital organ in the area of the wound. Of course there is always the risk of death when general anesthesia is used, but that really didn't appear to be the cause of death in the movie.

::sigh:: I'm done ranting. Back to your regularly scheduled evening.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

hearts break hearts mend love still hurts visions clash planes crash still there's talk of saving souls still the cold's closing in on us

Ugh...I have no idea what to write or how to write it!!! I'm super frustrated and really only see one option for fixing it. Unfortunately, it's an option I don't want. I don't know... Anyway...I should be working on my homework right now, but instead I'm online doing stupid things (e.g., facebook and blogging).

Basically, my problem comes down to I'm stressed out over things I have little control over and somehow with all this added stress, I'm supposed to get a 4.0 this semester and raise my g.p.a. so that I can actually apply for grad school without any worries. far, that ain't happening.

Hey, at least my volunteer activity is going well. I'm on track to start on the proposed start date of the program, so woo woo! Go me! :) And here comes my little spiel on getting you, the reader, involved, too:
If you are a male over the age of 21 (I think this is the cutoff age) and can pass a DHS background check [for working with children], then I highly suggest you look into a mentoring program near you. Many groups will only match a male youth with a male adult, and if there aren't enough adults, then all the eligible children don't get a mentor. :(
Okay, I'm done lecturing, or whatever it's called when someone does what I just did. Eventually maybe I'll be a little less cryptic as to what my frustration is, but for now I just don't want to overshare...

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

you made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter you are the best thing that's ever been mine

So...the other day I received an email from a reader of this blog (hopefully she doesn't mind me using her real name) asking why I don't blog as often anymore. Well, Claudia, I appreciate you taking the time to email me. The biggest reason that I don't blog as often anymore is that my migraines have been getting more frequent and a big trigger of them is too much time in front of a computer screen. Basically, I try to limit my use as much as possible.

And since I'm not too sure how caught up on the posts you are, I can say for sure that my romantic relationship is going really well. But hey, that comment could've just jinxed it, lol. Anyway, we're engaged...tentatively planning on a July 2011 wedding. My family, they are what they are. Good days and bad days, but who doesn't have a less-than-perfect relationship? Anyone who claims not to, has got to be lying.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

let's waste time chasing cars around our heads I need your grace to remind me to find my own

Of the three cars that have been bought for me since I started driving, I never asked for any of them. The first one I was offered as a gift...and my then stepsister took control of it and promptly wrecked it. The second one, become available and I was asked if I wanted it. Why say "no" to a free car? I had it for a while, till I screwed it up and it needed to be replaced. The third one, obviously, was a replacement for the second car. I almost wish I'd never been given it. I always joke around and say that my car is going to kill me. Or that I wish that it would blow up without me in it. And now...I'm dead serious when I say that my car is a ticking time bomb and is going to kill me. The stupid thing leaks oil from God knows where, mysteriously loses trans fluid over time and recently started leaking gasoline. And of course, being an older vehicle, it does have a few (very minor) cosmetic flaws, that even though I find them embarrassing reminders of my car's age, I can live with and have been living with them.

Anyway, the whole point of this rant/history, is that I need a new car and for the first time in the history of me driving, I asked for help buying a new car. Now, no one will listen to me and just wants to do what s/he thinks is best for me. Never mind the fact that I've done the work myself, found a decent vehicle (it has a Carfax report available!) and under $2k. But everyone is so worried about what's "best" for me, that no one has bothered to listen to what I have to say. And y'know what is the best part of the scenario: I didn't ask if my uncle would buy the car for me, I asked if he would be willing to help me buy a new car. Meaning that I didn't expect him to pay for it for me, that I expected to pay him back for whatever he paid for. ::shrug:: If anyone had bothered to listen to me, ask my thoughts, they would have realized that.

I would've been better off applying for a car loan, getting denied and taking the bus.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

well, who are you? I really wanna know tell me, who are you? 'cause I really wanna know

Hey, followers! Wanna be awesome and leave a comment telling me who you are? It's just that most of you don't have a picture, so I have no clue who you are. And it would be nice to know just who thinks my rambling is even worth listening to. :P

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

noddin' my head like yeah movin' my hips like yeah and I got my hands up they're playin my song I know I'm gonna be ok yeah it's a party in the USA

Woo woo!! I am feeling pretty awesome at the moment! :D Mostly cuz I logged and noticed that I have eight - Eight!! - followers to my blog now. How cool is that?

Yeah, okay, eight is not a lot by any means...but when you're a "nobody" and strangers think you're interesting enough to read the ramblings of yours, then yeah, it's a big deal.

Anyway...that was all. Carry on now...

Thursday, March 25, 2010

it's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now said I wouldn't call but I lost all control

::sigh:: Maybe my boyfriend is just as awesome as I think he is. I know that I suck at showing him that I appreciate him and all that he does for me, but I'm trying. And luckily for me, he knows that. I really don't want to go into any detail about what I was talking to him about last night that has me on this 'praise the boyfriend' train of thought...but I love him. :) real reason for wanting to start this post was that I totally wish that I was living on my own. Too bad, any job interviews I have go nowhere. It's frustrating. Hell, I even decided to look outside of my comfort zone (taking care of kids) to other types of work. I'd be more specific, but I honestly forgot where I've applied and where I've only thought about applying. ::sigh:: After the past few days, I have really been wishing that I was able to live on my own...but of course, now that I need to put gas in my car, I'm broke and need to ask my dad to pay for it. :/ At least I have a car that is relatively good on gas, so one tank takes me pretty far. See? This is why I can't live on my own.

Currently, I'm sitting in class...and as much as I like the topic (Drugs, Behavior and's a psych course), I'm starting to dislike my teacher. Don't get me wrong, he still seems like a nice guy and a pretty good teacher, I'm just not liking some of his opinions. Oh, long as he continues to make the tests fact-based, I can deal with differing opinions.

Meh...I'm done with this post. Maybe the annoying, know-it-all commenter from the last post will find this one and give me another armchair psychoanalysis.

Friday, February 12, 2010

I've been to the year 3000 not much has changed but they lived underwater and your great-great-great grandaughter Is doing fine (doing fine)

I so very wish that I could see the future. Not all of it either, just a tiny glimpse so that I could know if I'm happy and healthy...and all that good stuff. More realistically, I just want to see how old I live to be. I don't have high expectations for life to be kind to me and let me live a long, eventful life. I expect fate to be cruel and get rid of me in the "prime of my life." I'm just moody and resentful lately. And extremely pissed off at the world. I know how to fix's just that it takes time, and I'm very impatient. Oh, well...

Anyway... In a completely unrelated note, I'm pretty sure that I'm going to drop my bio class. I can't stand the teacher (she's probably a very nice woman, but the view I get of her is condescending and hates her job as a professor) and I don't have the desire/motivation to pass the class with the highest possible grade that I can earn.

Also...completely random, but I noticed today that I have four followers. That's two more than I previously knew about! :) Which means, a couple of random strangers like me!! Yay!!

Monday, January 18, 2010

this is my temporary home it's not where I belong windows and rooms that I'm passin' through

::sigh:: I honestly don't know how much longer I can do this. My family used to be so close...and now, I have no clue what the hell any of them are doing. I wish that I could just say that it's because the kids are older and on their own...but that's not true. Not even close. Aside from one of my younger siblings, all are still minors (under 18 years old). It's just so f***ing amazing how my mom and stepdad are so readily able to cut off contact with a family member. I mean, I've known that since I was about 14y/o...but honestly, I never thought that I'd be the next family member that they cut off all contact with. And I'm sorry, but stupid little apps on facebook do not count as contact (sorry, Mom). Only my dad seems to have voluntary contact with me. My grandparents have never been the ones to call me, so I don't count them in my family hatred. The sad thing is...I don't even hate any of my family. I'm just super hurt, upset and confused. And I wish that with every new revelation in my family relationships, it didn't hurt me and stress me out so much. That's the part that I can't keep doing.'s partly my fault since I'm mega-hesitant to completely cut my ties to them. I'm just afraid that if I do what they've been doing for almost six months now, that it'll be completely over and never repaired.

I just want to quit everything and disappear. It's not like anyone is going to miss me. Okay, that's a lie...but I know that the few who would miss me, would get over it and in a relatively short period of time, too. ::shrug:: I'm's okay.