I don't know what to do...I'm almost certain that after today I'm single. And that's not what I want. I want him and I to be able to work things out and stay together. I don't want to eventually be with someone else...or even with nobody else. Not that being happy on my own is a bad alternative, it's just not what I want. I want to be happy with him. It's not fair that we're unable to get along... I don't want to have to go over and see him in a few days for the sole reason of getting my things and giving him the things of his that I have.
Last night, when he said something along the lines of the baseball game and homework/studying today...I knew that he meant that he probably wouldn't have time to see me. Nevermind that when he told me that he was going to baseball game on Sunday, that he'd still have time for me afterwards. But I knew that he wouldn't…
I really was hoping that this weekend would go well for us...I needed it to. But I'm so worn out by not being good enough for him, by not being what he wants, by always feeling like I'm the very last thing on his list of priorities...I just can't do it anymore.
I told him last night, that for a while now I've been aware that I'm not going to marry him...even though I want to. Even though I've been going through the motions of planning a wedding...I wasn't going to let anyone put any deposits down or anything like that because I didn't want to hurt him yet by telling him that I'm not willing to go through with this relationship.
::sigh:: I knew that I was going to post this blog entry, so I changed the password to my MySpace account just in case he was tempted to sign in as me and read this. ::sigh:: I think I've only signed in as him once, and I told him about it the same day.
I miss him already...and we haven't even actually ended things yet...how much does that suck?
[originally posted on my MySpace blog - as a "private" post]
Last night, when he said something along the lines of the baseball game and homework/studying today...I knew that he meant that he probably wouldn't have time to see me. Nevermind that when he told me that he was going to baseball game on Sunday, that he'd still have time for me afterwards. But I knew that he wouldn't…
I really was hoping that this weekend would go well for us...I needed it to. But I'm so worn out by not being good enough for him, by not being what he wants, by always feeling like I'm the very last thing on his list of priorities...I just can't do it anymore.
I told him last night, that for a while now I've been aware that I'm not going to marry him...even though I want to. Even though I've been going through the motions of planning a wedding...I wasn't going to let anyone put any deposits down or anything like that because I didn't want to hurt him yet by telling him that I'm not willing to go through with this relationship.
::sigh:: I knew that I was going to post this blog entry, so I changed the password to my MySpace account just in case he was tempted to sign in as me and read this. ::sigh:: I think I've only signed in as him once, and I told him about it the same day.
I miss him already...and we haven't even actually ended things yet...how much does that suck?
[originally posted on my MySpace blog - as a "private" post]
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