how about a better version of the way that I am how about a better version that makes me understand how about a better version of the way that I am

::sigh:: I'm not looking forward to the end of the weekend... The last two weekends have gone terribly for the boy and I...so I told him that I was using this weekend as a test. Meaning that if it went well, I wasn't going to give up and quit...but if it went badly like the previous two, then I wasn't going to keep trying to make this work and I quit. Because I'm worn out. ::sigh:: And I really don't think he heard me when I said that because the next thing he said was as though I hadn't just told him that. I kinda think that maybe he was in denial, but I don't know. And then it was just depressing because I said it to him again and that we weren't going to have any time together before the weekend ended. And what was left unsaid was that it was going to end really badly, instead of amicably...

But...in a bittersweet 'yay' for me, for once I managed to say to him what I meant without totally losing my self-control. Since I tend to do that around him. I mean, not be able to keep up my willpower and do what I want... I can't say 'no' to him...and I don't know why. Well...at least, I was able to keep it up until we went back to his house and cuddled for about an hour. After that...I was confused...and didn't know what to do...

It doesn't help that I really do love him...so not being able to work things out, but wanting to... I just get so confused when I'm around him and things aren't tense between us...

And...just in case it might matter...I liked this: How I want to be kissed. I don't agree with everything...but a lot of it sounds like what I think.