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As of February 23, 2012, I have a very sweet, very cute little boy. Baby PGS is my world now.

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Saturday, July 12, 2008

but tell me that you’re sorry didn’t think I’d turn around and say...that it’s too late to apologize it’s too late

So...I think that I know what I want now... And if when if I get what I want, then someone will get hurt...possibly more than just one person. But y'know what? I don't care. I need it...otherwise, I'm not ever going to be happy.

::sigh:: Last night was a mess. From the time the boy came over to the moment that I hung up the phone when he called to let me know that he'd made it home safely. Yesterday, he didn't eat his lunch (because he didn't like it, so that was nobody's fault but his own), so he was really hungry by the time it was dinner time and that was causing him to be a little cranky. But I don't think that he was aware of it (the crankiness) because the little bit of an argument/disagreement (or whatever it was) that we did have, before he blew it out of proportion, was nothing. But the night just kept getting worse...

::sigh:: I just get the impression that he finds me to be too much of a hassle and would rather avoid me than figure out how to work together. And when I say anything, he just tells me that I'm being paranoid. I hate that he always seems to either be blowing me off or trivializing what I have to say to him. I hate when he says that we're just going to fight and that he should just go ahead and leave...because then that's all he thinks is going to happen and it doesn't matter what I try to do, how I say something, or what I say, he's only going hear/see what he wants to and that's the negative connotation of the behavior.

I'm at a loss. ::sigh:: I really am. I just don't know what to do. To be honest...I'm ready to...

Today, he said that he wanted to go see the movie that we were supposed to go see last night, but didn't because I had to get something for school done that ended up taking longer than I'd thought it was going to. Then he never called (kind of what I'd expected to happen), so I called him (mostly because I was trying to figure out if he was avoiding me or not). When I called him, it only rang once and then I was sent to I kinda figured he was ignoring me. But then he called me back (not what I was expecting)...but on the phone he sounded distant and like he would have preferred doing anything else to talking to his girlfriend. I hate calling him because he almost always sounds like that, and rarely sounds like he actually cares about me.

I hate telling him what I think/feel, too...because he gets so defensive about my thoughts and feelings. Or if I say something about what I think based on the way he's behaving (body language, tone of voice, etc.), then he'll say things along the lines of how stupid it is to do that. And that unless he says something, making assumptions about a person based on behavior is stupid. He never says outright that I'm being stupid by trying to be empathetic, but the words he uses and the way that he says it to me, it's what he implies.

Supposedly, he's going to call around 10:00p...but if past events are any indication, then it could be as late as 1:00a before he actually calls. So, I'm not going to hold out any hope waiting for him to call. I mean, if I miss his call, then I will call him back as soon as I notice the missed call...but I'm not going to wait around with my phone on me [around the time he's supposed to call] because I never have my phone on me. But I'm not going to purposely ignore his call either...what good would that do? But when I called him back to let him know that he didn't have to call me later if he didn't want to (because like I said already, it really didn't sound like talking to me was what he wanted to do), he sounded offended. As though I'd just told him what he wanted to hear, but he didn't want me to know it...but whatever. Then the conversation just dragged on awkwardly because he just wouldn't end it.

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