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As of February 23, 2012, I have a very sweet, very cute little boy. Baby PGS is my world now.

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Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner it was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced are you thinking of me when you f*** her? post from this morning, I actually wrote up and posted on either Saturday or Sunday, but I posted it with today's date because today is exactly one month after the ex broke up with me and I didn't think that I was going to be feeling any differently. I mean, c'mon, let's face it, I was head over heels in love with the guy for the better part of the last three years. Even when he was treating me like s***, for some dumba** reason, I was still in love with him.

But after I talked to him last night, which wasn't as heartbreaking as I'd thought it was going to be, and I felt absolutely nothing for him [at the time]. I realized that I'm over him. Don't get me wrong, I'm still hurt and feel betrayed...but I don't feel any love or even any like as in I want to maintain the friendship that he proposed towards him anymore. I can still be polite and civil towards him, but...yeah... I just wish that things had ended so much better between us. Because after waking up today, and having time with my thoughts, now I'm just pissed off and only feel hate and other negative feelings towards him. I honestly don't understand why he felt the need to string me along and tell me what he thought that I wanted to hear. Why did he think that drawing things out would make anything better? ::sigh::

But I also feel confusion about whether or not completely writing him off and not being friends with him is the right thing to do. I think that's because I spent nearly three years with the guy and want to believe that I didn't make a mistake. I want to believe that my judgement wasn't as clouded and wrong as I'm now thinking that it was. Because if it truly was, then I don't want to believe that I let myself get hurt so badly.

Truly, I hope he treats the girl he's dating now, better than he treated me. Because whoever she is, she deserves better than that. Any girl does...well, y'know, as long as she's a decent human being. It just kinda sucks (in an oh,-well-that's-life way) to find out that after he pretty much accused me of cheating, it turns out he was the one who was pretty much doing that exact thing, since she's some girl from one of his classes. But supposedly, he could never to do that me or have feelings for another person while in a relationship with someone else. ::sigh:: ::shrug:: It's just hard to believe what he says when two days in a row he tells me things that show he lied to my face on numerous occasions, and therefore contradict his claim of only lying to me about the big thing.

I know that I sound bitter, but it's hard to not sound that way since I'm angry. But since I don't know her, I don't wish anything bad to or against her. So...I really and truly do wish them luck. And...inside, I'm not as bitter as I sound at the moment. I don't know, everything that keeps coming out of my mouth though, just sounds so bitter and angry. I need to work on that, because it's not healthy.

Y'know the one thing I can't figure out about me though? For some reason, if I say something too bad about him, I feel like I'm obligated to say how he's not that bad. Like, I have to show that I'm not some "crazy ex-girlfriend" out to vilify her ex-boyfriend.

P.S. Sorry this is so long.

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