[update 1:44p - I meant to post the blue text also, but ran out of time before class this morning. So technically, this is a repost of the post from this morning (which is no longer there).]
So...if he and I had still been together, it would have been three years today. Can you believe that? That's a really long time.
If I'd known what the ensuing three years would have been like, I really don't think I would have told him that I'd changed my mind. The last three years weren't worth it. And that's not my broken heart talking (okay, maybe it is, but that doesn't change anything about how I feel). Yeah, I loved him, and I still do...but, there was just too much hurt. And letting someone get close to me just to hurt me over and over again wasn't worth it. I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life...and when he talks to me or looks at me, he makes it kind of obvious, he thinks so, too. At least, that's the impression that I got when I saw him on Sunday.
I even half-wish that the last three years hadn't even happened. I don't mean everything that happened to me in the past three years, because not all of it was bad. But I wish the events on few specific days had never happened. For example, I wish that October 06, 2006 had never happened... Maybe if 10/06/06 had never happened, then we never would have made it to this past August when he told me to "give [him] the rings back and get the f*** out of his car." Maybe we never would have made it past the end of 2006...? Who knows what would have happened? What's done is done and I can't change the past...much as I would like to at this point in time. Pondering 'what-ifs' isn't a great idea...but at least I'm not sad about it. Surprisingly.
My only (okay, well, the biggest) lingering thought now is: has he sold those rings yet? Y'know, the ones in the following picture:
::sigh:: I'm sure that I'll never know the answer to my question because he no longer seems to be talking to me except for when he needs something from me. It's no wonder that I feel used by him. Well...that's not really true, because he is still talking to me...just...it seems to go better as long as it's online and he doesn't actually have to deal with me. It's just that...when he talked to me on both Saturday and Sunday (trying to arrange when he could drop off the money to me)...I don't know... I don't want to say it because I've already said enough negative things that I look childish and petty...as well as insecure and other unflattering characteristics.
And then there's this (quite possibly irrational) feeling that I have that he ended things just to have more time to spend on himself, as well as to spend more money on himself. Considering in the last two weeks, he's spent a little over $500 on himself on "toys." Oh, but when he asked me how much WSU's tuition/books for a semester is and I told him how much this semester is costing me...he said that he probably wasn't going to be able to afford it. And he wondered why I think that he's irresponsible...? Whatever...not my problem...never was. Apparently, he's just doing the same thing he's done in the past...get rid of the b****y girlfriend, buy himself whatever "toy(s)" he wants...
Just to avoid any reminders of him...I put everything he ever gave me into a box. I don't have a clue what I plan to do with it. Right now, it's just been sitting at the foot of my bed for the last few days. I had thought of just giving it all back to him...but, seriously, what would he want with it? Some of that stuff is such girly stuff that he bought for me just because. But I had to remove any reminder I had of him...otherwise, it's going to be ever harder for me. Like I need that.
So...if he and I had still been together, it would have been three years today. Can you believe that? That's a really long time.
If I'd known what the ensuing three years would have been like, I really don't think I would have told him that I'd changed my mind. The last three years weren't worth it. And that's not my broken heart talking (okay, maybe it is, but that doesn't change anything about how I feel). Yeah, I loved him, and I still do...but, there was just too much hurt. And letting someone get close to me just to hurt me over and over again wasn't worth it. I feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life...and when he talks to me or looks at me, he makes it kind of obvious, he thinks so, too. At least, that's the impression that I got when I saw him on Sunday.
I even half-wish that the last three years hadn't even happened. I don't mean everything that happened to me in the past three years, because not all of it was bad. But I wish the events on few specific days had never happened. For example, I wish that October 06, 2006 had never happened... Maybe if 10/06/06 had never happened, then we never would have made it to this past August when he told me to "give [him] the rings back and get the f*** out of his car." Maybe we never would have made it past the end of 2006...? Who knows what would have happened? What's done is done and I can't change the past...much as I would like to at this point in time. Pondering 'what-ifs' isn't a great idea...but at least I'm not sad about it. Surprisingly.
My only (okay, well, the biggest) lingering thought now is: has he sold those rings yet? Y'know, the ones in the following picture:
::sigh:: I'm sure that I'll never know the answer to my question because he no longer seems to be talking to me except for when he needs something from me. It's no wonder that I feel used by him. Well...that's not really true, because he is still talking to me...just...it seems to go better as long as it's online and he doesn't actually have to deal with me. It's just that...when he talked to me on both Saturday and Sunday (trying to arrange when he could drop off the money to me)...I don't know... I don't want to say it because I've already said enough negative things that I look childish and petty...as well as insecure and other unflattering characteristics.And then there's this (quite possibly irrational) feeling that I have that he ended things just to have more time to spend on himself, as well as to spend more money on himself. Considering in the last two weeks, he's spent a little over $500 on himself on "toys." Oh, but when he asked me how much WSU's tuition/books for a semester is and I told him how much this semester is costing me...he said that he probably wasn't going to be able to afford it. And he wondered why I think that he's irresponsible...? Whatever...not my problem...never was. Apparently, he's just doing the same thing he's done in the past...get rid of the b****y girlfriend, buy himself whatever "toy(s)" he wants...
Just to avoid any reminders of him...I put everything he ever gave me into a box. I don't have a clue what I plan to do with it. Right now, it's just been sitting at the foot of my bed for the last few days. I had thought of just giving it all back to him...but, seriously, what would he want with it? Some of that stuff is such girly stuff that he bought for me just because. But I had to remove any reminder I had of him...otherwise, it's going to be ever harder for me. Like I need that.
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