look at the shape I'm in talking to the walls again look at the state I'm in

Since I didn't do it last week, here is the weekly round-up of what caught my interest for the week:

.:. Blah blah blah...
.:. How is (up to) 60 days in jail worth it as opposed to just paying the $7⁴⁵ for the restaurant bill?
.:. And there is the crazy old lady arrested for stealing the kids' football...
.:. Are you kidding me? A hospital bill for a 19 hour visit where a physician was never seen?
.:. Oh, man...that's not supposed to happen...no real shooting at the re-enactments of Civil War battles!!
.:. Awww, the puppy dog rescued the kittens from fire!!
.:. Well...that's an interesting order...
.:. As long as you're feeling warm (physically), then you're going to be more generous...
.:. Seriously, it's just a game...crazy lady, but at least she didn't kill the real him.
.:. Umm, just how stupid does he think the court is? A picture next to a foreign newspaper?

I want to go see Zack & Miri Make a Porno (check out the review from Variety). Too bad I don't have anyone to go with. Oh!, and I also want to see Rachel Getting Married. The second movie is why I wanted to go to the movies last weekend...and Zack & Miri is why I want(ed) to go to the movies this weekend... Oh, well...

I want to go to these concerts:

.:. All-American Rejects at St. Andrews Hall ticket info [doesn't exist]
.:. Avenged Sevenfold, Buckcherry, Shinedown and Saving Abel at Eastern Michigan University ticket info
.:. Mudvayne at the Fillmore Detroit ticket info
.:. Hinder, Trapt and Rev Theory at Clutch Cargo's ticket info

Somebody should take me (or y'know, go with me). 'Kay, thanks, that would be awesome.

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

Tonight's Movie: 101 Dildotians
Gay guy, trying on long black fur coat: How do I look?
Girl: Like a gay, Russian Cruella de Vil.
Random customer: I'm gay and Russian. And I wouldn't wear that.
-- Century 21

And My Wife's Ovulation Schedule
Bartender: Stay for another round?
NYU kid: What time do you close today?
Bartender: 4 am, same as every day. I have the schedule right here. I also have the AA schedule!
-- Blarney Bar

Nobody Respects a Wimpy Whiner, Y'know
Teen: I'll get us a cab.
Grandma: Let's just walk, it's only a few blocks from here.
Teen: Are you sure? What about your hip?
Grandma: Well, it hurts, dear, but I'm not going to be a p**** about it.
-- 57th St

Even at Bed, Bath and Beyoobies?
Two-year-old boy, pointing at dinnerware: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: No.
Two-year-old boy, pointing at pots: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: No.
Two-year-old boy, pointing at woman: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: Yes, but that's rude.
-- Bed Bath & Beyond

Explains Why She Always Got Me Blacklight Posters for Christmas
Girl #1: Oh... I love that smell...smells like my grandma's garden.
Girl #2: Huh? I smell marijuana.
Girl #1: Oh... (long silence)
-- Union Square

Who Gets Medical Testing on Vacation?
Four-year-old boy: What's taking so long?
Mom: Well, you know how today you have a vacation from school? Well, a lot of other people have a vacation from work.
(very long pause)
Four-year-old boy: That's crap.
-- Waiting Room, LabCorp in Bayside

Not "I'll F*** You" Good, But Good Nonetheless
Construction worker #1 to hot girl: D*** baby, did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven?
Hot girl: (looks back and rolls her eyes)
Construction worker #2: Your name must be Candy 'cause you look so sweet!
Hot girl: (looks back and rolls her eyes again, laughing a little)
Construction worker #3: Nice shoes, wanna f***?
Hot girl (laughs hysterically): That's gotta be the best I've ever heard!
-- 65th & Broadway

Wiisday One-Liners
Guy, getting his hair cut: So I spent $150 more than I would have if I got the Wii in the store, 'cause my wife said, "If I don't get Guitar Hero, I will divorce you."
-- SoHo

Dork: Don't call it a Gameboy...you're downgrading my PSP.
-- The Village

Small Asian kid, pounding the computer mouse in frustration: Where the hell is Carmen Sandiego?!
-- Chinese School

40-year-old guy with ten-year-old kid, to GameStop employee: Excuse me, I'm thinking of buying GTA for my son. Is there a way to turn off the profanity?
-- GameStop, Park Ave

Angry guy to girlfriend: Look, I get the whole not wanting to have public sex thing, but I don't know if I can be with someone who won't play Wii.
-- 43rd & Madison

I'm getting buried in this place I got no room you're in my face don't say anything just go away

Okay, so there was no class this morning (or this afternoon). Which means that I worked my a** off trying to study for my orgo test for nothing. But because of the dumb bomb threat called in to WSU this morning:

Emergency message from Wayne State University:

A bomb threat was received by Wayne State University this morning. Police officers were immediately dispatched to two building sites on campus identified as State Hall and General Lectures. The buildings were evacuated and Wayne State police officers performed a full sweep of the facilities. A second sweep of all sites was performed with bomb sniffing dogs. As a precautionary measure, the buildings will remain closed today (10/31/08).

Wayne State University officials and the Police Department are continuing to monitor the situation.

My professor moved the test to Wednesday...and this most likely means that he's going to add material to the test, too. So having extra study time over the weekend isn't really all that helpful. I'm still doomed to fail!! If only he would give us partial credit on the problems...but instead, if you get something fractionally wrong, you lose all four points the problem is worth. It absolutely sucks.

Oh, and today, the BCBS HQ building in Downtown Detroit had a bomb threat, also, and had to be evacuated. What the hell people? What's with all the bomb threats today?

Anyway...later today, I'll post the weekly round-up.

Happy Halloween!!

life ain't always beautiful sometimes it's just plain hard life can knock you down it can break your heart

::sigh:: The following just highlights how pathetic I am.

Yesterday afternoon I was updating my MySpace status because in the morning I usually have it say something about being in school all day, and then I noticed that pretty much every girl (the girls in relationships, I mean) on my friend list had something about how amazing her boyfriend is. So I had my status/mood as "ashley nicole ♥ ♥ ♥ is around.../indescribable " but after I read all the happy things that my friends had on their MySpaces I got jealous and changed mine to read "ashley nicole ♥ ♥ ♥ is jealous of everyone with a boyfriend.../jealous "
Okay...the being jealous part isn't what highlights my patheticness...my dad happened to be on the computer less than half an hour later and saw my MySpace status and called me to say that I could come over and eat dinner if I was feeling lonely and wanted some company, even though it was just him and my grandma and they probably weren't much company.

How pathetic is that? Even my dad felt bad for me. Granted one of my good friends also sent me a message saying that we should find me a new boyfriend, too. So it's not like only my dad was feeling sorry for me and had to cheer me up...I have friends, too...but...y'know...?

On top of that...my self-esteem seems to have taken a major tumble lately. ::sigh:: I just feel unattractive and unwanted. I know it's really, really stupid to keep thinking (well pretty much obsessing) about things that I don't have control over... But when the guy who supposedly love(d/s?) me rejected me every time I saw him in the last month that we were together and also in that same time frame (and a little before) nobody else seems to be aware of me either...how am I supposed to feel? Seriously, in the last month or so, the only two people to say anything to me about being an attractive person were some guy in the passenger side of landscaping truck (he was the most obnoxious person ever because he first yelled something to me when the landscaping crew was working, then again when they drove by) and a (possibly?) homeless guy (he only told me "good morning" and that I have "beautiful eyes", so I was polite and said, "thank you"). And being an attractive person, I didn't just mean physically...

Plus, I'm just sick of the random crying. I wish that I would just hurry up and get over him already. Instead...I feel like I was used and taken advantage of...and wasted the last three years of life on a lying jerk. And then other times, I don't think that I wasted the last three years of my life on him because there is (was?) a lot more good about him than bad. It's just that there are so many thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head that keep conflicting with each other... I just wish that I wasn't confused...and that I knew what to do...

Okay...well...I guess, I'm done whining. Sorry about that. I just needed to get that off my chest. Feel free to ignore it if you want to.

before the story begins is it such a sin for me to take what's mine until the end of time we were more than friends before the story ends

::sigh:: I hate studying. And I have no study skills. Combine the two and here I am. So I took a break and did this. But...as soon as I'm done with it, I need to get back to studying.

Today something is supposed to happen...but I don't really think that it's going to. I think that the person is going to flake out on me. Oh, well...it's not my problem. Well, it is, but it isn't.

***Spoiler Alert***

1. Holly in San Jose, Calif.: It feels like it's been so long since I've seen Samantha Who? What's the scoop?
Sam is branching out from her parent's nest this year and returning to her old place. What's the first thing you do when you're on your own? Dance naked, come on! And of course, in true Sam fashion, she won't be alone. Sam will soon discover that she can really dance, or at least she used to be able to. Look for Regina Newly's (Jean Smart) infamous nemesis to pop up, played by the infamous Cybill Shepherd.

2. Denise in Corona, Calif.: What's going on with the final season of ER? So sad it's ending!
You're not the only one! My old college pal Linda Cardellini admits she and costar Parminder Nagra spontaneously burst into tears whenever they think about it. But dry your eyes, my dear, because she also thinks this is the greatest season she has been a part of. "There are a lot of people coming back behind the camera," Linda said, "Some of the directors from yesteryear. And some of the old faces from the show are coming back in front of the camera. We have some surprise little cameos in there." Paging Doctor Ross and Nurse Hathaway!

3. Michelle in Albany, N.Y.: So happy Samantha Who? got some recognition last night at the Emmys when Jean Smart won! Spill the scoop please!
An Emmy-winning Jean Smart told me at the HBO Emmy Suite that her character, Regina Newly, will be getting a new job this season. She said it requires her to wear a blazer, so I'm guessing real estate. Or sex change. Or NBC page. Tough call.

4. Mandy in Detroit: How about some Gossip Girl?
I'm hearing that there is huge stuff in the works for Jenny Humphrey. She's going to do something to shock the hell out of Daddy Dearest in the hopes that it will make her young, rich and famous, but it doesn't work out exactly as she'd planned. And yes, it involves Eleanor and fashion, por supuesto.

5. Teresa in Rhode Island: What is the deal with the photo of little Jenny kissing Nate on Gossip Girl?! Is she stealing everything from Blair? Are they actually a couple?
Oh, you mean that eye-popping photo to the left?! Jenny actually has the most outrageous storyline of everyone coming up...Keep reading to the spoiler section. Our wittle girl is all growed up!

6. How about a little Gossip Girl?
Oh, twist my arm! I love that show, and I'm hearing that episodes six through 10 are amazing. The sixth ep is where Serena and Blair go to Yale and get in a physical catfight. (Is it sad that I'm looking forward to this more than any other TV event right now?) Also, Serena really starts falling for Aaron Rose, the artist I told you about whom she knew when she was younger. Looks like S is most def into creative types.

7. Francesca: What's the deal with Jenny and Nate?
It's on! Duh. That photo is no joke. And I can tell you that Jenny is growing up in more ways than one this year. Sources tell me she might be dropping out of school to start a big, fancy career! What will Rufus say?

8. Francesca in Miami: Any word on Top Model? I'm rooting for anyone but Clark.
The more I hear, the more I'm convinced it has to be Elina. I've also heard that Lauren Brie goes far but is a bit...boring. And interesting note on Clark (who doesn't bother me at all!): Her appearance changes a tiny bit and gradually as the season goes on because of something she did before coming on the show. I can't be more specific on this one, sorry, but post your guesses below!

9. Fawn: What we can expect for Sam this season on Supernatural?
After seeing Thursday's episode, "In the Beginning," I think it's fair to say that this season Sam has a problem, and it will be the major arc of the year, much in the way Dean's damnation arc played out through most of last season. It's a bit of a heartbreaker, not to mention practically a love letter from Kripke to all you Winchester-mythology-lovin' fans.

10. Lolo in Paris: Have you any scoop about Chuck and Blair on Gossip Girl?
You mean besides the fact they totally frakking rock? Well, according to Leighton Meester herself: "I think Chuck is for Blair just like Blair is for Chuck. They are perfect together. But I think that the whole thing with them is that they fight. If you saw them kissing and making up all the time or being best friends walking around town, it would be kind of boring. But maybe it will work out. I know that there is definitely a lot of back and forth material between them. There's a lot coming." Yay! P.S. There's more Gossip Girl goodness in the spoiler section if you want it, and I know you do.

11. Michelle in Greencastle, Ind.: Need. Gossip. Girl. News. Please.
You know how Serena hooks up with that artist kid, Aaron Rose? Well, Serena's better half, Dan, ends up dating Aaron's ex, Lexi. (Ah, what a tangled social web those Upper East Siders weave.) Also, and this is complicated, so pay attention: Chuck and Blair meet their clones, Chuck 2.0 and Blair 2.0, and end up giving their respective doppelgängers advice on how to hook up with the 2.0 version of themselves. Hopefully in the midst of all that, the original flavors of Chuck and Blair will realize that they are madly in love and will get back together already!

12. Jessica in Manchester, N.H.: Supernatural is ridiculously good this season. Dish?
I agree! Supernatural became downright epic overnight, and I love it. In a midseason episode, we'll meet Anna, whose brain is a veritable wiretap of the angelic realms, and through her we'll learn that the angelic hosts remain deeply fascinated by Sam and Dean.

13. Teddy in New York: Anything new on Gossip Girl? I'm loving Blair and Chuck!
And there's plenty more Blucky goodness where that came from. They'll be circling around each other all season long and giving you at least one good squeal per episode. Meanwhile, keep your eyes on Little J! Matthew Settle (Rufus) told me that Little Jenny Humphrey will do something "jaw-dropping" that makes you question Rufus' abilities as a parent.

14. Mena in Los Angeles: Got any hints on what to expect in season two of Samantha Who?
I ran into Barry Watson at Statement magazine's Fall Guys Event at the W Hotel, and he dished that we'll be seeing a lot more of bad Sam (Christina Applegate): "It's usually always stuff with her and Jennifer Esposito. She's got some Bad Sam stuff that really takes over a whole episode." On whether or not Todd and Sam will live happily ever after, it's not looking too bright in the coming future: "She's been dating a bit and meeting new people, and in the next couple of episodes we're shooting, Todd's going to have a couple of girls that he'll be dating." Also, Todd's finally going to have a friend this season named Seth.

15. Jen in Milwaukee: Got any Supernatural goodies for me?
Look for an upcoming two-episode arc where we'll meet Anna (Julie McNiven). I'm told that Anna is "a haunted girl who, for mysterious reasons, is able to hear the secret conversations of angels in her head. Demons want to capture her at all costs for the enemy intel she can provide," and the boys have to protect her.

16. Sally in Albuquerque, N.M.: OMG! Is it true someone is dying on Gossip Girl?! Tell me everything!
My infallible Magic 8 Ball says: Yes! It's happening in November, and I can tell you that the character who dies is male and that he is a third wheel whose death just might clear the way for a long-awaited couple to get together. I know you can figure this one out if you put your smart little noggins together in the comments section, so have at it, will ya? (Also, um, keep reading.)

17. Hannah in Dayton, Ohio: Hi Kristin! I'm dying here! I need some Gossip Girl scoop to ease my worries! Will Dan and Serena ever get back together?
Not anytime soon, but their parents might...Rufus (Matthew Settle) and Lily (Kelly Rutherford) will get closer, from what I hear.

18. Margo in Atlanta: I'm hating Jenny on Gossip Girl. Will she ever go back to being tame?
Not by a long shot. Dropping out of school was only the beginning, and I'm hearing the words "hostile takeover" are in her future. It happens round about episode nine and will make you feel like you did nothing at all when you were 15.

spoilers are from E! online's Watch with Kristin (1; 2-4; 5-9; 10-12; 13-15; 16-18)

Okay...back to studying now... Ciao!!

there's nothing I won't do there's nothing like the pain I feel for you nothing left to hide nothing left to fear I am always here...

Earlier this afternoon I started to do a post, but then I deleted it before I could post it. I decided that it was a bad idea. And now I'm struggling with what to write... In almost an hour, I've only gotten this far...how sad is that?

Anyway...I'm still sick, just not nauseous sick anymore. I have the common cold. Oh, joy. So I didn't feel like doing my normal Friday post of a weekly round-up this week. And next Friday, I don't know if I'll do it either because I have the second lecture test in orgo.

This afternoon, I went and got two study aids for that class: The Complete Idiot's Guide to Organic Chemistry and Organic Chemistry the Easy Way. And...since my mom had given me two gift cards to use since she's had them forever and hasn't used them, I didn't spend any of my money, so I'm thinking that I might get the Organic Chemistry I for Dummies and Organic Chemistry I Workbook for Dummies books, too. Okay, I'm not an idiot or a dummy...but since school pretty much sent me an email (it was an academic advising email after I failed the first lecture test in orgo) that called me one, I might as well get the books that put the stupid class into the simplest terms possible, right? I mean, how else am I going to understand and pass the stupid course?

I need to figure out what my schedule is going to be next semester. Especially since I got an email this afternoon from the girls' mom asking me about it because she wanted to know when the current semester ended and when I was available next semester. Because she was going to need to rely on me heavily after their dad moves to Ann Arbor at the end of the next month since that's when the girls would be at her house full time during the week (currently it's 50/50 at each house during the week). I responded to her honestly about what I knew for the semester ending about what I was possibly planning...but I was honestly thinking that I didn't know what to tell her. So...I guess that means that their mom didn't know that their dad was(still is?) actively looking to replace me...?

Anyway...I'm too afraid to say anything about to do with my reasoning for posting, well starting to, this afternoon. Ugh...I started this at 11:00p and now it's 12:30a...I give up trying to do this... G'night!!

in my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky in my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life I'll keep a part of you with me

Today was an awful day. Mostly due to how I physically felt. I felt like I was going to vomit all day long. Thankfully, I did not. But let me tell you...less than 15 minutes after getting up and feeling like I'm going to vomit, that just sucks.

And then, I looked at my score for my orgo lab test...yeah, I knew that I didn't do well, but I didn't think that I totally bombed it either. When I got my test back, I saw that I made a few stupid mistakes as well as the ones that I knew that I was going to get wrong because I just didn't know the answers to them. Like the very first question on the test, didn't answer it (stupid mistake). But in my defense, the way it was worded, I honestly didn't think it was a question. It looked as though it was part of the directions for the fill-in-the-blank section following it. If I'd known it was actually a problem to be answered, I probably would have gotten it right. Or at least partially right. ::sigh::

Then...in lab, my stupid organic layer didn't solidify over the week as it was supposed to. And I even had the TA helping me with my lab last week! But at least, I wasn't the only person to not have his/her organic layer not solidify. I only saw one person with a solid organic layer...so I was a little less worried about that problem. But, because I felt like s*** and we had to use hot plates today (and it's always too warm in the chem lab), I felt like I was going to pass out in lab. But I really, really did not want to come back to lab on Saturday morning. I just did not want to go to another 9:00a Saturday class. That sucked worse than feeling like crap in an overheated classroom.

Plus, on top of today's problems...my hands are all dried out and scaly. Stupid sensitivity (or allergy, I don't know) to practically every fragrance and soap ever. My hands hurt. Booo...

And I'm also sad because I've only seen maybe the first three of America's Next Top Model this season, the first and third episodes of Gossip Girl and none of Samantha Who? for this season...since they're all on the ex's DVR (or at least they were) because I would watch them with him. Okay...I kinda forced him to watch ANTM, but the other two, he enjoyed (or secretly enjoys). So...now I have to watch them online...and I don't know if the entire seasons are on the CW website for GG and ANTM. I know that there are full episodes, but I just don't know if there is the full current season (up-to-date, I mean).

Oh, yeah...but today wasn't all bad. I met the lady who emailed (well, technically MySpace messaged me) me about my dad when he first got in his accident this evening. She came over to my dad's house while I was over. She's pretty cool. I was going to just use her MySpace display name...but since I have a link to my MySpace and you can get to my daddy's from there and she's in his Top Friends, so I didn't want a bunch of strangers bugging her...but since I just realized that my profile is 'private,' as is hers. That whole point is moot. But...whatever... I don't feel like deleting it, I already typed it. Ignore it if you want to.

But...I'm sleepy, it's a quarter after midnight already...and I have school in the morning.

you're so vain you probably think this song is about you you're so vain I'll bet you think this song is about you don't you? don't you?

::sigh:: I'm not having a good day... It started out with the ex telling me that he had some weird sensation last night (basically it sounded like stereotypical Voodoo doll s*** to me, not the real Vodou or Vodun), and that he wanted to call me when he had it because he was worried I was hurting myself. ::sigh:: I'm not a danger to myself. Really...I'm not.

But because I was getting defensive when he wouldn't stop asking me about my stupid away message on AIM

(Lisa [aiming a pen at her neck]: Take one f***in' step and I'll jam this in my aorta.
Valerie: Lisa, your aorta is in your chest.
Lisa: Good to know.

my hand is kinda tingly...but at least, I'm not bleeding...)

...I told him that obviously there are ways to safely hurt yourself because I still talk to him. But as soon as I said that I regretted being mean to him and apologized to him...but then he just seemed to being ignoring me. He said it's because he doesn't know what to do...he knows that I want him to leave me alone, but he's afraid to because of a fear of my mental and physical stability.

But that was all that was really said before I had to leave for class...but between the two classes...it was a little better. Only because I'd sent him an email to do with the GoalSetter account...he suggests just going with out original plan of meeting the goal in December 2008 because this way we earn more interest. Plus, he'd like to be able to maintain a friendship with me. Although...I don't know if I can do that. But, for now, I want to try. Because...we really didn't end things in a bad way. Just...what seems unfair to me, and me only.

I keep a journal of memories I'm feeling lonely I can't breathe I fall to pieces I'm falling fell to pieces and I'm still falling

::sigh:: I made the mistake of calling him last night... Not for the reason(s) you're probably thinking...but because he's the only person I trust who I don't feel is judging me when I talk to him. The others that I trust enough to confide in like that, I feel like they judge me when I go to them when something really is wrong. But...then I saw something today...and it made me regret that I trust him and that I called him last night. I truly want to believe that he's a good guy...but...I'm so hurt and confused by so many outside things right now...that I just don't know...

Maybe I should just do what I wanted to do when I was being rash and angry yesterday...? Just cut him out of my life for good...? I wanted to get rid of everything, and I mean everything, that I have from him...just so that I have no reminders of him. Obviously, the only reminder I would keep is my Vaio...but that's because I'm not about to replace a notebook. But everything else was going to go...cds, books, pictures, cards, movies... I was probably just going to give it all back to him when I got the remainder of the money for our GoalSetter account this weekend. This way I was going to be all done with dealing with him...and I could get over him. ::sigh:: But I don't know if I'm going to sometime soon or not... I mean, I know that I will eventually... I just meant, I don't know if I'm going to get over him soon...or if it's going to take me a while.

hey gotta be strong gotta be strong but I'm really hurting now that your gone I thought maybe I'd do some shopping but I couldn't get past the door

Ugh...I came home from orgo this morning to the following:

f**91** (11:59:34 AM): I didn't change what i was going to school for to f*** with you .... you know why i changed what i wanted to do in life. i ended things becasue i can't make you happy and i'm only going to hurt you more, you didn't cheat on me. You told me yourself, ***** has time for you and I don't, and you have a crush on him, so go for him since I'm doing such a terrible terrible job and he is so f***ing awesome. Way to f***ing bias things in your blog post and leave out facts that make me look like a complete and udder a**, good thing my name isn't in there. [sic]

I tried to stay calm while I tried to defend myself...but I just ended up crying. I doubt he even knows it...or if he did know it, then I doubt he even cares.

::sigh:: I don't think he even read what I actually had written down before he got mad at me. Because this isn't the first time that he's yelled at me for putting my thoughts down. I think that he quickly skimmed the words, saw that I was angry with him and didn't realize that I wasn't truly accusing him of purposely trying to f*** with me, but just that I had written that I felt that way because of how upset I was. Well...I still am that upset...and hurt.

He doesn't get it...now I'm going to constantly have the possibility of seeing him at school or seeing him with some other girl, who's prettier than me, better than me, just everything that I'm obviously not.

And the only reason this other guy even has any time for me is because we're both in the same class!! That means, we have no time outside of it. It's time consuming if you really want to pass it.

But...I have to leave for my bio class or I'm going to be late for my test today...

all the world is a stage and everyone has their part but how was I to know which way the story'd go how was I to know you'd break you'd break my heart

::sigh:: I really should be studying right now instead of doing this. But...whatever...I honestly don't think I'm going to pass my orgo test on Tuesday morning anyway.

As far as I can tell, the boy ended things with me for cheating on him. The thing is, I didn't do that...he's just mad that some guy that I became friends with in my orgo class (which I have five days a week) apparently has feelings for me (the boy came to this conclusion on his own from things I've said). Yeah...it's probably true that this guy wants more than a platonic friendship from me, but why doesn't the boy trust me? I've never done anything of this nature that would give him a reason not to trust me in this situation. I'm not naïve enough to think that he only wants a platonic relationship, not the way he's been acting...but I've mentioned that I have a boyfriend when talking to him. So, how is this my fault?

Honestly...I get the feeling that the boy just wanted a reason for me to look like the "bad guy" so that he wasn't the a**hole when he ended the relationship. And when he told me over the phone that he was done with the relationship, I got upset with him for doing it that way. He then told me that I just didn't hear him say it last night. ::sigh:: If he'd really said it last night, I would have told him to get out of my house as soon as he had said it. I wouldn't have asked him to let me know when he got home, I wouldn't have left the porch light on until he was in his car...I pretty much would have shoved him out of my house. The thing was, he was so tired last night, that he was falling asleep on my bed. That's why I was insisting to him that he didn't really say it. I believe that he wanted to say it, even thought that he said it aloud. ::sigh:: I was listening for that because I was terrified that was what he was going to say to me because he practically forced me to tell him about the guy from my orgo class and then I was afraid that if he knew what was going on at school he'd overreact and tell me he couldn't be with me.

So...now...I just feel like he was using me these past couple of months. Like he just wanted to see what he could get away with. How far he could take manipulating my feelings knowing that I have blinders on where he's concerned.

And now he tells me that even though I tell him positive things when he does well in school, it's not good enough. Because I didn't tell him how proud I was of him or something like that, I pissed him off when he told me about getting his WSU acceptance letter in the mail yesterday. And apparently someone important in his life also seems to think that I get upset or not excited enough for him when he does well academically, but because he doesn't think it's important who said it he won't tell me who said it. Even though I think it's important and I want to know who said that about me. But as usual, when I think something is important, if he says it isn't, then it's not. Sometimes he's the epitome of a spoiled only child.

I really do feel like he only changed what he was going to school for so that he could f*** with me. He decided he didn't want to be with me anymore, but chose to go into the same thing as me and go to the same f***ing school as me. He could have chosen OU for his pre-reqs, it's probably just as equidistant from his house...

To his face I try to be as positive and non-bitter as possible, but inside I feel like s***. I feel so hurt and like he did this on purpose. Like he wanted to drive me away so that it would be easier for him to walk away...then it wouldn't hurt him at all. Sometimes, I don't think he ever cared at all anyway...

it's been a while since I could hold my head up high and it's been a while since I first saw you and it's been a while since I could stand on my own

Ugh...for the second night this week, the boy didn't answer when I called him. The first time that he didn't answer when I called him and no answer, he never called back. So I don't know if I should expect a call back or not... ::sigh:: I realize he's got school and work...but... ::sigh:: Whatever...when I say something, I'm just being irrational, right? At least, that's what he tells me anyway. Irrational and that I want all of his time or more than he has.

I don't even know if calling him is a good idea...not since when I super briefly saw him this past weekend, he told me that he would probably have to work this weekend. I just pretended that it didn't bother me...but then when I said that to him (that I'm only pretending when I say it doesn't bother me), I almost started crying. Not because he'll be busy for the third weekend in a row...but because I'm so stressed and everyone that I normally go to is either too busy for me, or just unavailable. It just feels like everyone has forgotten about me, but still is expecting me to be there for them. I can't do that...it'll break me. Maybe not physically, but definitely psychologically.

I'm going to bed now...g'night...

all my life I've been over the top I don't know what I'm doing all I know is I don't wanna stop all fired up I'm gonna go till I drop

Ewewew!! I'm not sure, because I can't remember for sure...but I think almost every day this week there has been a dead rat (yes, rat, it's not a squirrel) at the corner of Warren & Chrysler. And then starting, I think, Tuesday because I'm pretty sure it was there for three days, there was a dead cat about two-thirds of the way up the exit ramp of the South I-75 for Warren Ave. It was so disgusting having to maneuver around the roadkill...oh, and this morning, I still had to maneuver around the dead rat. But it's quite possible that was cleaned up and now replaced by a gray squirrel because the roadkill that was there this morning was a bit too fluffy and clean looking to still be the same flattened creature from Monday morning...

And now that I'm done grossing you out...

My Cosmo horoscope for today says...

Libra - Single? A pumped guy you meet at the gym is fun to flirt with, but he isn't attentive enough for you. Attached? Working your sexual magic in the tub leads to a sensual round two later in bed.

Umm...now usually I would italicize the section of the horoscope pertaining to my status, but since it's been nearly three weeks since the boy and I have actually been near one another, I hardly know if I'm actually in a relationship or not (and this Monday, 10/13, when he came over to my dad's house for a couple of hours barely counts, and again, this past Saturday, 10/11, when he came over only to connect me to my dad's wi-fi because my dad and I couldn't figure Vista out, barely counts because it was all of less than 30 minutes). And I miss him. ::sigh:: Oh!, but anyway...not expecting my horoscope to come true today...

Anyway, here's the weekly round-up for the week of October 13^th:

.:. This is particular to Proposal 2 (the stem cell research one) in the state of MI only...
.:. What the kind of candy you like says about you...
.:. Aww, how cute...little boy puppies let the girl puppies win.
.:. A snake bite couldn't stop the mail frombeing delivered!!
.:. This is just sick and wrong.
.:. Lost dog found a travel agency to get home.
.:. Lawsuit against God thrown out. Are you kidding me? There was even a lawsuit to begin with?

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

She Was Hoping for a Salad of Steel
Waitress: Will you have a soup or salad?
Girl: Sure, I'll have the super salad.
Waitress: No, will you have the soup or salad?
Girl: I said I'll have the super salad.
Waitress: No, (really slowly) will you have the soup or salad.
Girl: Ohhhhh, the salad.
-- Elmo, Chelsea

This Is Your Brain on Stupid Customers
Customer: I'll have an egg omelet.
Cook: An egg omelet?
Customer: Yeah, one made with eggs.
Cook: Thank god you mentioned eggs. I was about to give you an omelet solely made from butter!
-- Grant's Restaurant

Does It Burn When You Wednesday One-Liner?
Hipster to friend: Thank god AIDS wasn't in Africa yet when I was there, I wouldn't have f***ed anybody.
-- Classroom, NYU
...there are five more one liners...

Wednesday One-Liners Melt in Your Mouth
Would-be CIA student on cell: Yeah, so I think my interview at the CIA went well. I think I'll really like it there. (notices people around him) ...the Culinary institute of America! (everyone smiles)
-- 80th & Broadway
...there are five more one liners...

I'm a troublemaker never been a faker doin' things my own way and never giving up I'm a troublemaker not a double-taker

Okay...so, every day I get an email from Sittercity...and guess what. The girls' dad is looking for someone to replace me. I found this out on Sunday when I checked my email in the morning and saw the job postings email in the morning. Now, one would think that he would have said something to me about this...but, nope. Not yet. I'm so sick of the lack of communication from his end of things anyway. But...not having a job would totally and completely suck, too. Now, in a perfect world, I would have to be given the minimum of two weeks notice that my job was no more...right? But somehow, I have a feeling that it's just gonna be something like, 'oh, hey, just letting ya know, we don't need ya to get the girls anymore, other arrangements have been made. Thanks for helping out over the past year.'

Anyway...it's just that as far as I know, I've been pretty good about following what rules/guidelines both of the girls' parents have asked of me. Both what they ask of me personally and what they ask me to have the girls do/not do. And since they haven't said anything to me about not doing what they would like, it doesn't seem right that would the dad would be looking for a replacement without first telling me what I am doing wrong. But then again, I kind of got the impression when they hired me that they didn't exactly give the previous girl a fair reason for not wanting to work with her anymore. Oh, well...what can I do? Y'know :::shrug:...that's life. It's not like I'm going to let it affect how I do my job. I still think the girls are great kids and all that positive stuff.

stacks on deck Patrón on ice and we can pop bottles all night baby you could have whatever you like I said you could have whatever you like

[sidenote:] Currently sitting with my daddy while he's waiting for his night sitter/CNA to get here. I like her; I've only met her once, but she was nice. She and her sister are my dad's two night sitters/CNAs and they alternate, with one of them taking a two night in a row. I think the older sister is the one who takes the double. They're both nice.

::sigh:: This semester totally blows. I'm doing horribly in my orgo I lecture class...and it's looking like I'm not going to do much better in my orgo I lab class. I think that I'm going to manage to do all right in my bio class and my bioethics class...but at the moment, neither class has that high of a grade. Oh...and I totally hate my bio class. The teacher is horrible. I don't mean that she's a horrible teacher, I just mean that I can't stand her. And...in my orgo lecture class, I totally did awesome on the first test of the semester (read: I got 32/100, where the curve was 71+ was an A and 30-39 was a D). Yay me! Anyway...

Today, after orgo lecture, one of my classmates and I ended up talking and making friends. But I still don't know how old he is. I thought he was at most a year or two older than me, but it turns out, he's at least three years older than me. We usually work together in lab even though everyone is supposed to do their own work. But the TAs don't yell at us for working together in groups. Usually, it's him, me, this one other girl and sometimes these two other guys that all work together in lab. The girl and one of the two guys are also in my quiz class for orgo lecture (basically it's a mandated study group, and tests get handed back in it).

I so did not want to get up this morning...I didn't sleep well last night. But I went to bed earlier than I had been the past few nights. It's just that I had a hard time staying asleep...I woke up two or three times during the night. It sucked. Big time.

Oh, and the boy did buy the Sleeping Beauty dvd for me that I wanted...so I don't have to get it myself like I was planning on. But...I don't know when I'll get it. Or when I'll see him. Which is more important to me than the dvd. I miss him. A lot. I've hardly seen him or talked to him since my birthday...and that was 10 days ago. This past weekend he had to work nearly the whole time...and when he wasn't working, he was sleeping. I don't blame him for wanting to sleep after working 10-12 hours or whatever it was...it just sucked because he didn't even call me to say 'hi.' So I felt forgotten...that's all.

::sigh:: Sometimes, I get worried that people are going to get a really bad view if they read this. I mean, all they're going to see is the negative things that I say...and hardly any of the good things that I think of the boy. But...it's just that I honestly don't feel the need to put my thoughts down or get them out of me when things are good. I don't need a release when things are going well. ::sigh:: I guess that I just thought that I should get that out there...

Well...it's 9:30p now...so I should get going back to my house now...my daddy's sitter/CNA is here anyway. So he's in good care. She's really nice. Even if she is only 22 y/o (ha! like her age matters if she's qualified and does her job well). Night!!

Completely unrelated to anything else in this post, T.I. "Whatever You Like," is totally stuck in my head...hence the title to the post.

when you see my face I hope it gives you hell I hope it gives you hell when you walk my way I hope it gives you hell I hope it gives you hell

My daddy is coming home today!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is the weekly round-up of what caught my interest this week:

.:. A bank robber used Craigslist to get some decoys...
.:. This is highly amusing...public humiliation as opposed to jail time.
.:. 20 hours of listening to classical music as a sentence...only made it through 20 minutes...
.:. It's never too late to return something stolen...even 50 years later.

There wasn't as much this week, sorry. I was busy and didn't look at as many things as previous weeks.

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

The Lightbulb Moment That Would Change Peter's Life Forever
20-something chick: I still think the dog toy looks like a butt plug.
20-something guy: If there is such a thing.
20-something chick, with shocked face: Are you serious? Yes, there are butt plugs.
20-something guy: For what?
20-something chick: For people.
20-something guy: For *what*?
20-something chick: Nevermind.
20-something guy: No! Tell me! For *what*?
-- Dallas BBQ, Chelsea

I Heart NY. Now More Than Ever.
(girl flips off hecklers in a car)
Guy in car: Oh yeah, sweetie? Why don't you stick that up your a**?!
Girl: Maybe if I made it into a fist you'd want to stick it up yours.
-- 30th Ave, Astoria

Like a Squirrel, I Need to Hoard Nuts
Girlfriend: The last thing on the list is pantyhose.
Boyfriend: Pantyhose? I didn't know you wore pantyhose.
Girlfriend: I don't in the summer, because summer is the time to be free and relaxed, but now it's cold and I need to keep warm.
Boyfriend: If you are so free and relaxed in the summer, why are we having sex more now?
Girlfriend: Because now it's cold and I need to keep warm.
-- Duane Reade

Word to Your Mom
Middle aged white woman on cell: Okay, mom. Go back to watching Snoop. Yeah, I know you love him. Okay, have fun watching the D-0-double g! Bye.
Random passerby: Best. Conversation. Ever.
-- Upper West Side

Don't Judge Me. Bitch
Little girl with cotton candy to lonely goth girl sitting on a curb: Look! I have cotton candy! See? (shoves it in her face)
Goth girl: Oh...good?
Mother: Ha, ha! Like you care!
-- St. Mark's Place

Maverick Wednesday One-Liners Take on the Washington Establishment
Hobo on street corner: Vote for McCain. Get nuclear rockets shot up your a** and eat moose burgers all day!
-- W 3rd & MacDougal St
...and there are five more one-liners...

Why Many Kids Get Left at the Mall Each Year
Dad: We're going over there. To the mall.
Six-year-old son: I need some s***. And who's going to buy me some s***? You.
-- 33rd & 6th

I awoke only to find my lungs empty and through the night so it seems I'm not breathing and now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be

Okay...so...it's a bit late, but I updated this. There's a few posts that should have been posted days ago...but, oh, well... Anyway...

Ugh...my uncle drives me effing crazy. It took him two freakin' months to even notice that I didn't have the stupid, f***ing engagement ring on anymore and so now he treats the boy differently (which, by the way, I totally and completely disagree with and find to be in the wrong). And then tonight, he again tried to imply that I should be popping out babies and getting married sometime very soon. F*** that. One, I don't want to; and two, who am I going to do that with? Yes, I have a boyfriend, but he obviously doesn't want those things with me. Besides, my reasoning for not wanting that is that I am not emotionally, nor am I financially ready to care for a child. Why would I want to bring a child into this world knowing that I couldn't properly care for him/her? That's just wrong. To have a child right now, I would have to put my life and essentially my dreams on hold indefinitely. Because there is no way that I could say, "here, raise my kid for me for...oh, I don't know, the next seven years or so while I finish my schooling and start my career." Because that's pretty much what I would have to do if I had a kid right now and wanted to still finish school, too. Wtf is his problem? Why can't he just butt out of my life?

But anyway...my daddy is finally coming home tomorrow!!! Finally...it's only been a month since his accident. I might have to apply for conservatorship of my daddy. My grandma doesn't really have to want to do it because of all the paperwork and organization required, not because she doesn't care about my dad and want to help him. So I asked her if she'd rather one of his kids applied for it then, so when she said something about me or my 20 y/o brother doing it...my dad quickly shot down my brother doing it and said that I should do it then. I planned on helping my grandma out as much as she needed it and as much as I could anyway. I also planned on helping out my dad as much as I could, too.

::rolls eyes:: I'm under the impression that the boy is ignoring me. Since he's not talked to me in two days now. He never calls me or talks to me on Wednesdays since he's watching Sons of Anarchy...and I'm guessing that he's busy at work since he hasn't emailed me or anything during the day. But since he also hasn't bothered to call me tonight, I'm going with the assumption that he's ignoring me. Okay, yes, I could have called him, too...but why? I feel like over the past week, any time that's there has been any contact between the two of us...it was only because I initiated it. So...tonight, I was just going to leave it up to him. I figured if it was important to him, he would call. Well...I got my answer, didn't I?

Okay...so I lied, no updates on the other posts that I had started in here but still haven't posted...it got too late for me to finish them and post them. I got too busy with this post. Sorry.

Ohhhkaaaaaaay...my mom is freakin' crazy. She like just flipped out at my 11 y/o brother about his radio...um, hello? He was probably asleep when she first said anything to him about turning it down. Instead she just kept yelling at him about it until she finally got up and, what sounded like anyway, unplugged it by force and slammed his door shut. She's a flippin' nut job.

Anyway...good night, it's now twenty after midnight...bed time for me!!

we were lovers we were kissers we were holders of hands we were make-believers just losing time

Ugh...so apparently, I'll only possibly see the boy this weekend. He has to work this weekend. And since this past weekend went oh-so-well, I'm not thrilled to learn this. But...I do appreciate that he thought to tell me before the last minute. Maybe, just maybe, the fact that I was upset about him completely blowing me off this past weekend at the last minute, but acting like he still had time for me actually got through to him. I don't know...

This past weekend was my 23^rd birthday, and on Saturday (the day before my birthday), the boy and I were supposed to do something together. But things came up, and he acted like he had time for me, and then towards the end of the day he gave off the impression that he was just going to leave my house without even saying 'goodbye' to me. And then he wondered why I was thisclose to being dead serious when I told him that he was only allowed back into my house to finish fixing the computer for my parents and then he could do whatever he wanted.

The other thing that came up at the last minute was that his dad bought an xbox 360 and needed help setting it up. But the boy got mad at me for being upset that I was blown off completely on Saturday. He told me that I would never be more important than his parents and they would always be more important. Meaning...he didn't hear me when I said what I was upset about. I didn't want him to ignore his dad's need for help. Nor did I want him to ignore my mom asking him to help her out by looking at/fixing our computer. All I was asking, was that could he stop being such a pushover and say 'no' to someone other than me for once? Well, actually, what I really asked was that he ask if was okay to postpone helping for a couple of hours. Not brush it off to the next day, but could it wait until after we went to the cider mill like he sorta promised me we could go?

He spreads himself too thin and doesn't know how to say 'no' to other people. He's always too willing to help those that he cares about. But...he just doesn't seem to do anything to make himself happy...

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me the best of us can find happiness in misery

Here is the weekly round-up of what caught my interest this week:

.:. This is just sad and wrong...
.:. Are you kidding me? He hugged an officer and now faces charges?
.:. Kung Fu Panda is getting a sequel!!
.:. This is pretty amusing...666 road signs are being stolen in NJ...
.:. How sad is this? A house sold at auction for $1.75...and no, that was not a typo.
.:. Right...I don't really know what this said, but this guy managed to do something amazing with baseball stuff...
.:. Ewewew!! She drank bat coffee!!
.:. Aww...how cute is this? Two moms were in the same room on the maternity floor and then their babies grew up and now they're getting married!!
.:. This is pretty cool about the astronaut's diary going on display.
.:. Selling potato peelers sent his children to college...
.:. Eeep...this is just terrible, man claims that his penis was amputated without his consent.
.:. This bill supported by MI doctors just might make it so that my ancient neighbor couldn't drive...
.:. Haha...honey loving bear was stealing honey from hives...

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

Where They Let the Sunshine in
(after a performance of Hair)
Woman: What was your favorite part?
Four-year-old girl: I liked all the parts.
Six-year-old girl: I liked the naked part.
-- Delacorte Theater, Central Park

Let's Just Go to Prada and Pet the Leopard Print
Five-year-old girl: Mommy! Taking the train is fun! It's like going to the zoo! (points to several rats on the tracks)
Mother: Yes darling, just remember it's not a petting zoo! (frantically pulls her daughter away from the platform).
-- Pacific St N Line

You Can Always Tell the Conductors Who Used to Teach Public School
Train conductor on "drunk train" from Penn Station: To your right, you will see a big shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Port Jeff, get off of this train, and get on that shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Montauk, walk through the big shiny train, until you see an even *bigger* shiny train. The train to Montauk will have not one, but two big shiny levels. That is the train to Montauk. So remember: Port Jeff?
Conductor and herd of drunken fools: Shiny train!
Conductor: Montauk?
Drunken fools: Bigger shiny train! Woooo!
-- LIRR, Jamaica Station

We Imagine a Young Katherine Hepburn in This Role
Hot chick: You are never gonna get a job talking like that.
Thug: Yeah, you know, I can turn dis s*** off and talk all professional and s*** if I have to. (in professional voice): I can speak in a manner which is becoming to a young professional and present myself as an upstanding member of society (now back to thug speak) nawmsayin'?
Hot chick (sarcastically, enunciating each word): Yes. I know what you are saying.
-- 6 Train

Oh, Crap--It's Spurted All Over the Bag
Woman #1, with water bottle in paper bag: I don't understand why they gave me a bag. What's the point of putting just a water bottle in a bag?
Woman #2: You should've just told them you didn't want one.
Woman #1: Yeah, but I didn't notice until he put it in.
(pause, then both women snicker)
-- Elevator, 8th Ave

How Come Math Majors Are Always the Slowest to Understand This Concept?
Nerdy guy: I don't understand what the significance of the number 69 is. Can someone explain it to me?
Girl: You go to NYU and you don't know that?
(nerdy guy shakes his head)
Girl: To put it bluntly, it's two people giving each other head.
Nerdy guy: Wait, but what does that mean?
Girl: Oh my god...I can't tell you that now. You're the most innocent guy here. It would be like killing a unicorn.
-- Kimmel Center, NYU

It's $10 Extra If You'd Prefer Dragon's Pee
Customer getting tattooed: What's in that spray bottle?
Tattooer, holding bottle that says "soap" on it: Unicorn milk.
-- 13th Street

it's gonna hurt when it heals too it'll all get better in time even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cuz I deserve to

Ugh...I feel like a brat. But I need someone to tell me that I wasn't. My mom asked me what kind of cake I want, so I said, "chocolate." But then a little while later I told her that I didn't want anything because I don't like store-bought cakes because I don't really like the cake part and almost never like the frosting. And since she claims to be too busy (like she has been since I was about 10) to make a cake, I just don't want one. Plus, it's just going to be some cake that she picks up at the store without me even there to pick out...she even said so herself. So why even bother?

But anyway...my main reason to post this tonight was because I really, really miss my daddy. It's been three weeks to the day since his accident. He's still not even at what I would call 50% of his former self...I miss my dad a lot. Don't get me wrong, he's doing really well and recovering from his accident amazingly. But so much of his recovery is just the physical recovery. His mental recovery is still such a long way off, if it ever happens. He's doing really well and every day you can see the subtle improvements though. It's just that I've never gone more than a few days without talking to my daddy...and it's been three weeks, maybe more, now. And I don't know when he's going to be better or even when he's going to be out of the hospital.

I hate it when I'm there and he asks who's going to take him home and I have to tell him that he can't go home yet. I hate seeing my daddy so broken... He gets so frustrated, too, because he's having trouble connecting his thoughts. As well as having trouble verbalizing what his thoughts are in the way that makes sense to those he's trying to communicate with.

::sigh:: And on top of my sadness about that...I'm confused about the boy. Sunday I asked him something...I was afraid to ask him (because of what he might say), but eventually I asked. And then after I asked...I was even more confused and worried than I was before I asked. His response to my question did not clear up anything for me...but I was way too afraid of his response to the follow-up question to ask it.

::sigh:: And then yesterday while I was at the hospital visiting my dad, my uncle asked me, "where's your ring?" Referring to the engagement ring. I don't remember how I answered that, or if I even answered that...but I'm going to assume that either way, it wasn't satisfactory for my uncle because he asked about it again today. So I just told him that I haven't had it on for two months...which he kind of looked annoyed/I-don't-know-what about. So...I should probably warn the boy about that...just in case my uncle now treats him differently. But, hello? Shouldn't my uncle have gotten the clue a month ago on Labor Day when he asked the two of us (meaning the boy and I) when we were getting married and I answered him, "never"? I wasn't being sarcastic or facetious.

Ugh...anyway...I have to finish my orgo lab report...it's due by the end of lab tomorrow. Unless I want to go to Saturday lab at 9:00a...y'know after going to a wedding and being out late Friday night. Ha!, yeah right. ::sigh:: At this rate...it might be 1:00a before I get to bed...and I have to get up at 7:00a. God this sucks.