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As of February 23, 2012, I have a very sweet, very cute little boy. Baby PGS is my world now.

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Wednesday, October 29, 2008

life ain't always beautiful sometimes it's just plain hard life can knock you down it can break your heart

::sigh:: The following just highlights how pathetic I am.
Yesterday afternoon I was updating my MySpace status because in the morning I usually have it say something about being in school all day, and then I noticed that pretty much every girl (the girls in relationships, I mean) on my friend list had something about how amazing her boyfriend is. So I had my status/mood as "ashley nicole ♥ ♥ ♥ is around.../indescribable " but after I read all the happy things that my friends had on their MySpaces I got jealous and changed mine to read "ashley nicole ♥ ♥ ♥ is jealous of everyone with a boyfriend.../jealous "
Okay...the being jealous part isn't what highlights my dad happened to be on the computer less than half an hour later and saw my MySpace status and called me to say that I could come over and eat dinner if I was feeling lonely and wanted some company, even though it was just him and my grandma and they probably weren't much company.
How pathetic is that? Even my dad felt bad for me. Granted one of my good friends also sent me a message saying that we should find me a new boyfriend, too. So it's not like only my dad was feeling sorry for me and had to cheer me up...I have friends, too...but...y'know...?

On top of self-esteem seems to have taken a major tumble lately. ::sigh:: I just feel unattractive and unwanted. I know it's really, really stupid to keep thinking (well pretty much obsessing) about things that I don't have control over... But when the guy who supposedly love(d/s?) me rejected me every time I saw him in the last month that we were together and also in that same time frame (and a little before) nobody else seems to be aware of me am I supposed to feel? Seriously, in the last month or so, the only two people to say anything to me about being an attractive person were some guy in the passenger side of landscaping truck (he was the most obnoxious person ever because he first yelled something to me when the landscaping crew was working, then again when they drove by) and a (possibly?) homeless guy (he only told me "good morning" and that I have "beautiful eyes", so I was polite and said, "thank you"). And being an attractive person, I didn't just mean physically...

Plus, I'm just sick of the random crying. I wish that I would just hurry up and get over him already. Instead...I feel like I was used and taken advantage of...and wasted the last three years of life on a lying jerk. And then other times, I don't think that I wasted the last three years of my life on him because there is (was?) a lot more good about him than bad. It's just that there are so many thoughts and emotions swirling around in my head that keep conflicting with each other... I just wish that I wasn't confused...and that I knew what to do...

Okay...well...I guess, I'm done whining. Sorry about that. I just needed to get that off my chest. Feel free to ignore it if you want to.

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