a different kind of pain is someone there to hold you? is someone there to take you away from me?

So...today was my doctor's appointment to follow-up on hurting my back...and it's all better...but...duh...I already knew that. My doctor barely paid attn to the fact that I had hurt my back b/c I said that it's not bothering me at all. So he said that was a good thing and focused on my headaches...and I'm either getting tension headaches...or atypical migraines. I have the pain of a tension headache, but the duration of a migraine. So it's currently being treated as though I have tension headaches...but if the medication does nothing to relieve my headaches, then I get migraine medicine. Yay...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

I know you can hear me but I'm not sure you're listening I hear what you're saying but still there's something missing

Hmm...I just glanced to the side of the screen and noticed that the total number of views for my blog is 1985...that only amused me b/c that's the year that I was born.

But anyway...last night was my 11 y/o brother's violin concert...the little kiddies weren't as bad as I thought it would be. I was so worried that it was going to be like cats scratching on a chalkboard. They actually weren't bad at all. It was cute b/c my brother always feels the need to bow at the end of his little school concerts and last night it was even cuter that he does that b/c he was holding a violin and a bow while he made his little bow. The consummate little orchestra master. It was adorable.

Today...I get to bake two cakes...and some brownies or something for my mommy. She said that she would bake two cakes and something for the bake sale at my brother's school tomorrow...but...she hasn't any time to do it. So...being the good daughter that I can be...I told her that I would do it for her.

Okay...I'm done rambling on about nonsense...ciao!!!

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

you can't buy it at the store try it on for size bring it back if it don't feel right no love...love ain't like that

My stepfather is crazy...he was like at 11 and 75 there are engagement rings and at Stephenson there are one bedroom apartments...and he told the boy that.

And my 17 y/o brother is seriously annoying me...he felt the need to tell me, "no need to be a b**** because you're on the rag." Yeah...I just kicked him in the thigh...he's lucky my legs aren't longer and I couldn't reach any higher without getting up from the chair. I know that was a really mean thing to do to him...but I don't really care b/c he annoys the hell out of me. Don't get me wrong...I love my brother...but I really really don't like him. Actually I can't really stand him at all.

Saturday is my mommy's party...the house looks like shit. And nobody is doing anything to help. Well...I take that back, my mom is helping when she isn't at work. So my stepdad said that he was going to talk to her after she gets home from work tonight and get a list of chores for each of my brothers and him to do before Saturday. Hahaha...my 10 and 11 y/o brothers might get theirs done b/c my stepdad gets on their case about it...but the 17 y/o isn't going to do a thing. He's going to continue to do what he's been doing: sleep...then get up...move from his bed to the couch...then watch tv...and among all that tiring activity he's going to eat...and probably take two or three showers...and then start the whole thing over again.

Blah...I'm done ranting...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

every day gets worse locked in a vice my thoughts perverse you must wonder why I look at you that way

Yay!!! Or not...I have negative funds available in my checking account. Isn't that awesome? Thanks to my stepdad using my credit card and then never giving me any money to cover what he bought. And then I had to drive my 17 y/o brother to Gladwin today...and I will have to take him there again on May 18th...and again on June something. Doesn't that rock? C'mon, you know it does. Oh...yeah...I'm supposed to use my money to pay for the gas to drive him the 150 miles (300 miles roundtrip). And...guess what... Saturday I get to drive my sister to Schoolcraft for one soccer game and then I have to drive her to the game near home on the same day. Oh...and then on the 21st of May...I have to drive her to Concordia for a soccer game. But I get to use my daddy's car for that and use his gas and his money to fill up the tank. Have I ever mentioned just how much I hate driving? Oh well...that's what I get for being the oldest child and apparently the most responsible as well. Blah...I so need a reliable source of income. My mom told me I don't need a job, that I only need to go to school and get good grades. Well...that would be awesome if she was willing to pay for all of the stuff that she doesn't buy for me. So...yeah...a reliable source of income would really be awesome. Then I could get a new car...I despise mine. It's special. Like really, really, really special. Okay...I guess that I'm done ranting...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

and you can tell everybody this is your song it may be quite simple but now that it's done I hope you don't mind I hope you don't mind

Yay yay yay yay!!!! My migraine is finally gone!! Only took forever to go away...okay so it only took from Monday night to about 4:00am this morning to go away. But still...that was freaking forever for my head to be hurting me. And anyone that made it worse for me...I hate them right now...well...not exactly true, but I have a strong dislike for those people currently. Too bad none of them know that they did anything to make it worse. And I want it to be Tuesday already...I want my belonging back...I want it to be ready. And...I kinda want it to be Monday already because it's my mommy's birthday and I want cheesecake. So...blah...I have to make a cheesecake on Monday and then on the 27th of May, I'm supposed to make a spice cake that can feed about 50 people. That's when my mommy is having her bday party, duh! Playing party planner for her is not the most fun of things that I could be doing...but...oh well! And it's been six months...so yays, of course. But some crazy man (at least that is how I am going to refer to him) referred to me as "the daughter-in-law"...umm...hello?? that's scary talk, Mr. Crazy Man. Okay...I'm done rambling...kinda. I have to assemble 11 more cardboard boxes for my younger brothers' elementary school...does anyone have nothing better to do with his/her time and is willing to assemble the boxes for me? Your only compensation will be that of doing something from the kindness of your own heart. No monetary compensation, lo siento. The boxes are for the pennies that the kiddies bring in to school to donate to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society...so it's for a great cause, duh. Okay, now I'm done for real...ciao dahlings!!!

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

with the lights out it's less dangerous here we are now entertain us I feel stupid and contagious here we are now entertain us

The best part of being in Seattle was...


...within 6 hours of being in the city...


...I was yelled at by a police officer.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

don't like the scene anyhow I dropped acid on a Saturday night just to see what the fuss was about well there goes the neighborhood

I'm going to Seattle tomorrow afternoon...won't be back until sometime Sunday night...like as late as 10:00pm...or even later... Hopefully I don't come home too very tired since I have class Monday morning...

And then this morning I forgot my powerpoint presentation at home and had to leave class in the middle to come home, get it and return back to class.

Yesterday I had to take my 17 y/o brother up to Mt. Pleasant...that was no fun... I managed to get lost multiple times on the drive home...somehow I couldn't figure out how to get back to I-75...so it was US 127 South until I found Lansing and I-96... So what should have been a 2 hr 15 min drive home home...was a 4 and a half hour drive home...

And then I had to go back out right where I was and pick my daddy up from the dealership...and today I have to drive him back out there so that he can pick his vehicle up... But on the bright side...he paid to fill up my gas tank...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

oh Maria Maria she reminds me of a west side story growing up in Spanish Harlem she’s living the life just like a movie star

Yesterday I spent almost 7 hours in a car...I went with my mom to Gladwin to pick up my brother...when I got home I was sooo tired and crabby...but I couldn't really fall asleep b/c after sitting in a vehicle for so long laying down in my bed was the last thing that I wanted to do...

And...now...on Monday I have to drive him up to Mt. Pleasant for something...oh well...my mom gave me $25 for gas...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

well if they´d free me from this prison if that railroad train was mine I bet I´d moved it all a little further down the line far from Folsom Prison

So...my 17 year old brother is in jail in Isabella County...that's interesting...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

we really fit together if you know what I'm talkin' about yeah we're two of a kind workin' on a full house

Apparently I'm a fighter when I get put under. I ripped out my IV and they had to restrain me. I don't remember exactly what the nurse said that I had done. If you know my mommy, you can ask her. Or if you know my boyfriend, you can ask him. Both of them were very much more aware of what was going on when I was done, than I was.

Earlier this afternoon, when the boy was here, and after my mom had left for work, I was crying and I just kept saying "I want my mommy" even though there wasn't anything that she could do for me that the boy, my stepdad and my brothers weren't already being nice and trying to do for me. But later on, after I took two Darvocet together, instead of one every 4 hours like my mom was going to have me do, I felt less pain. But...in about an 2hrs, at 10:00p, I'm going to go take two more. It will have been 4.5hrs since the last time...or I might wait until 10:30p.

update [11:21p] - They had to bring an extra nurse into the room to restrain me b/c I was kicking and punching. So...I had to be restrained and I pulled my IV out. They told my mommy and she was unfazed and just thought, "she's like her brothers."

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

eres mi protección mi sostén frente a todo mi mejor opción por siempre tú mi poder mi valor a través de lo peor mi luz mi cielo azul mi gran amor aún

Eeee...tomorrow is the day that all four of my wisdom teeth are going to get pulled out!!! My mommy is going to take me. But I can't eat for at least 8 hours before the anesthesia is administered...8 hours!!! So that means I can eat until 4:00am...so...the next 10 hours and 15 minutes. What am I going to do? I don't sleep for 8 hrs and I'm used to eating before bed and then the first thing that I do in the morning is grab something to eat. Oh well, it's one day, I'll live. But...my boyfriend told me that he would need some sedatives [for himself] to see me. I told my mom that and she said to just give me some more Darvocet and I would quit being whiny.

But...I have to prove to people that I can be not whiny tomorrow. So...I'm going to do a really, really, really good job of not complaining.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

ain't it funny how some feelings you just can't deny and you can't move on even though you try ain't it strange when your feeling things you shouldn't

Exactly two weeks from today I will have my wisdom teeth removed...yays...no more constant headache. I've been very good about not complaining lately...honestly, I have.

Over the past few days I've been trying to understand something...and not succeeding...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

nobody's looking now (nobody's looking) I throw my toys around somebody's being very bad I wonder who it can be

Today I am dropping my calculus class...YAYS!

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

yeah I'm a twisted angel flying wild and free yeah I'm a twisted angel flying to heaven on a broken wing

Who wants to go to calc for me tonight? The class is horrible...the teacher has a nails on a chalkboard kind of a voice...it's four hours long...I'll probably leave after two...so whomever is willing enough to go for me can do the same…

Blah...nevermind...I'll go for myself...but...blah...I will most likely not enjoy it...especially since it's raining and thunderstorming today...oh well...I'll just have to make the most of it...and try to make the misery as little as possible...

update [2:24pm] - After posting this this morning, my mom called me to tell me some stuff since she won't see me until 10 tonight, and she told me to just withdraw from the class and retake it this summer. Yay...a 9:00a class during the summer...but on the bright side it's only 8wks long...May 8th - June 28th...that's only half of the summer having to get up at 6:30a...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

while Mona Lisas & mad hatters sons of bankers sons of lawyers turn around and say "good morning" to the night for unless they see the sky

Yays...or not... I scheduled my wisdom teeth removal today. March 31, 2006...12:45pm...I can't eat anything for at least 8hrs before the surgery. That's craziness! I love food, what am I going to do? I have to find someone that is willing to give up like 2hrs of his/her precious life to drive me to/from the surgery...b/c apparently I will be legally drunk afterwards. That should probably entertain whoever takes me... Anyway, the doctor gave me a scrip for Darvocet...I think, I can't really read his writing, but that is the closest painkiller that I can figure out from his writing. I have to get that filled before the surgery...the antibiotic as well. I think I'm going to go visit my mommy at work and hand her my scrips and see if she'll buy me some red hair dye. I miss my red hair.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

so high the climb but I can't turn back now must keep climbing up to the clouds so high the climb but I can't turn back now must keep climbing up

So...I went to the dentist today...he told me to get my wisdom teeth extracted...which I was expecting...then he told me that I should probably think about getting my second molars pulled as well. Not because my teeth are unhealthy, all of my teeth are healthy...but because my jaw is so tiny. The hygienist told me that I have one of the tiniest jaws ever. Not looking forward to the day of wisdom teeth extraction.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

God don't make lonely girls sure didn't want 'em in his world God don't make lonely girls yeah yeah do dot do do

My stepdad (and this time my mom agreed w/ him) gave me some new rules and an earlier curfew, the new rules would be:
no company when my mom and stepdad aren't home
I have to be home by 1:30 Sun-Thur and by 2:30 on Fri-Sat
and
I HAVE to be home every night.

They do realize that I am 20 years old, nearly 20 and a half years old, right? Honestly, what would they, what could they do to me, if I chose to break the rules? They don't pay for school, so they can't threaten to quit paying for that. They don't really pay for anything for me. The only thing that they could possibly threaten me w/ is kicking me out of the house. Blah...and at the moment that really wouldn't bother me too much.


Oh and I need to get my car washed...b/c I'm pretty sure when a black car looks grey b/c of the amount of dried salt on it, that's a bad thing. Anyone willing to wash my car for me?

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

look how pretty she is when she falls down and theres no beauty in bleeding mascara her lips are quivering like a withering rose shes back again

So...this morning on my way to school...the stupid girl in front of me didn't start slowing down soon enough to safely make her right turn. Of course she slid and didn't make it...yeah, I had a feeling that was going to happen b/c I'd been driving behind for about a mile and a half and could tell she was special. But yeah...no stopping for me until I hit her car. Oh well, there wasn't any damage...I was seriously only going about 3 mph when I touched her car w/ mine. But still...I was late to class b/c of her incompetence.

A s***ty start to what I'm sure is going to be a s***ty day. Why will it be a s***ty day? B/c my retarded mother and my equally, if not more, retarded stepfather want to have a talk w/ me today when he gets home from work. Whatever...if they're not done talking at me when it's time for me to go to class, I don't care I'm leaving. To be honest, I don't care what they have to say to me b/c I've given up trying to be what they want from me anymore. It doesn't matter what I do, I piss them off.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

reports of lover's tryst were neither clear nor descript we kept it safe and slow the quiet things that no one ever knows

I got over my fear of needles tonight...there is now a tattoo on my back...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

but there's still tomorrow forget the sorrow when I can be on the last train home watch it pass the day as it fades away no more time to care

I am SO ready to move out of my house. I can't deal with someone avoiding me as though I have the plague for almost a week. I am seriously considering moving back into my dad's house or moving into my grandma's house. Either one of them is going to let me live my life as I want to and not treat me as though I am a child. If I had money, I would move out and into an apt. with a friend or friends. Too bad I don't have any money. And the only way I can think of getting enough money is to whore myself...and that is SO not a viable option. I need a full-time job. What I need is for my stepfather to realize I am not f***ing 6 years old anymore and I am an adult. Just let me be an adult. You can't expect me to behave like a responsible adult if you're going to give me childish limitations, such as a curfew. I can't deal with this anymore. One stepparent already succeeded in pushing me away, I don't need the other one to do it also. I can't deal with it anymore.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]