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As of February 23, 2012, I have a very sweet, very cute little boy. Baby PGS is my world now.

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Friday, December 8, 2006

I'm tired of pretending that I don't care for you I'm tired of pretending that I found someone new

I feel like I'm always pretending anymore... Like even more than I have ever felt like I was... And I feel like nobody even knows me anymore...and that I'm just a big lie... I wish that I didn't feel as crappy and terrible as I feel lately. I do not feel as though I am ever good enough...for anything that I want. I feel like I make problems worse for others. Especially those that are the most important to me...

Way too often lately, it feels like I barely register on the radar...it feels like multiple times a week I'm being ignored... I try and bring it to his attention...that doesn't do a d*** thing... He doesn't change...well, he does...but only for about a week and then the old behavior returns... I still just feel like I'm being taken for granted... As though he thinks that since he has me already...he doesn't need to do anything anymore...

And...lately...the worse thing that I keep feeling like and thinking about doing...is giving back the sparkly things... I feel like I'm trapped...I'm not happy anymore...but I couldn't stand to make him not happy either... I want to be happy...I'm trying...he's trying...but it's barely working...

And then...to make matters worse...I keep getting unwanted attention from someone... At first, the attention feels nice...but then it just feels creepy. I don't purposely do anything to make this guy feel as though the attention is wanted. I wish that I was just reading things wrong...but...it really does not feel like that... And on top of the unwanted attention...he gets jealous of this other guy...and it makes me feel as though he doesn't trust me...

I don't want to not be with him anymore...because honestly, when he does make me happy (which is a little more than not anymore)...I don't want anyone else. Ever. And even when I'm not happy...I just want him and I to be able to fix our communication problem... I just wish that I knew what to do...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

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