vindicated I am selfish I am wrong I am right I swear I'm right swear I knew it all along and I am flawed but I am cleaning up so well

Here's the weekly round-up for the week...

.:. So sad...poor baby...

Okay...there was going to be more, but I just didn't feel like going through the stuff I looked at this week. Sorry. It was the first week back to school. I was busy.

And last but not least, here's some amusement from Overheard in New York...

Now I Have Twenty Cats, but Nothing's Changed
Lonely cat lady: Remember a few years back when I had ten cats? I knitted ten of these adorable little stockings for them, and I filled each one with catnip. Well, I never did that again!
Passenger: Why? Did they all freak out over the catnip?
Lonely cat lady: No, they didn't even appreciate all the work that went into it. They just ignored them.
-- Midtown NJ Tranist

Do You Want Pre-op or Post-op?
Older worn-out assistant: Do you know how hard it is to find an on-call tranny hooker?
Suit: On-call?
-- 51st St & Park Ave

I Thought This Was a Bus
Conductor #1: We are sorry for the delay, there is a stalled e train at 7th Avenue. We will be going uptown on the...uhm...which line are we going on?
Conductor #2 (exasperated): I have no f***ing clue.
(train laughs)
-- E Train

That's Not What Papi Says
Young African American child pulling mother's hand: Ándale! Ándale!
African American mother: Cut that out! You're not Mexican!
-- 103 & Amsterdam

It's Like a Blessing from God
Woman to guy, about guys making moves on drunk girls they are friends with: So, why do you guys do something like that? It never works.
Guy: Sure, 9 times out of 10 it doesn't work, but that one time you score.
Woman: But aren't those other 9 times really awkward and damaging to your friendship?
Man: Yeah, but there's that one time where you get sex you really weren't expecting!
-- Fiddlesticks Bar

I Swear I'm Wearing This Trash Bag Ironically
Drunk man: I'm sitting between a homeless man and a hipster!
Supposed homeless man: I'm the hipster, right?
-- L Train

Closed the Deal, Though
Model-looking chick: Hey, sorry I'm late. I had to work extra hours at work today.
Not-so-model-looking chick: No problem, that sounds like it sucked, what did you have to stay after for?
Model-looking chick: Oh, I f***ed my client.
-- 13th St b/w 1st & 2nd Ave

You're Still Coming Over for Thanksgiving, Right?
Hobo (screaming): Steve! Steve!
Teen guy to girl: Hold on one second. (walks back to homeless man) Hey, man! How are you?
Hobo: I'm good. How's your dad doing?
Teen guy: He's good, I'll say hi to him for you.
-- 90th & Madison

But She Did This, Instead
Female hipster #1: Oh my god, I love your haircut!
Female hipster #2: Thanks...I asked for a mix of Suri Cruise, Anna Wintour and Nicole Richie circa 2005.
-- 27th St & 7th St

You Tell Me Your Dreams and I'll Tell You Mine
Math professor to sleeping student: Hey, are you okay?
Student: Nuh?
Math professor to class: Well, I've rarely killed someone during a lecture, but I must be breaking new ground today.
-- Hunter College

Is That Why You and Mommy Have Handcuffs?
Father to child standing in shopping cart: Suzie, sit down in the cart, standing isn't safe and it breaks the rules.
Suzie: No!
Father, heading towards checkout and spotting police officer fiddling with handcuffs: You see that policeman? If you don't sit down he's going to take you to jail. Oh look, he's taking out his handcuffs and he's going to arrest you now. (Suzie sits immediately)
-- Kmart, Astor Place

In a Big Red Suit?
Upset three-year-old: I wanna see the balloons go up in the sky!
Father: We'll see it all on tv in the morning and guess who will be at the end of the parade. He's a very very special guest.
Upset three-year-old (now sobbing): Barack Obama.
-- 81st & Columbus (Macy's Balloon Inflation Site)

Just a Vestige, Like Your Tail
Mother to daughter wearing a Pink Princess backpack: Hold up, honey, mommy needs to get something out of your bag.
(mother removes pack of cigarettes and lighter from bag)
Husband to wife: You have no shame.
-- Central Park

The Five-Second Rule Does Not Apply to Buses
Disgusted mother to little girl who picked up a Swedish fish she dropped on the bus floor: Don't eat that.
Little girl, dusting it off: It's okay, I'll kiss it up to god.
Mother: Don't you dare put that in your mouth. You have no idea what was on the floor.
Little girl, putting it in her mouth and chewing it: It's okay! I kissed it up to god! (swallows it) What are you going to do about it?
Mother, angrily: I'm not going to do anything. You're just going to die.
-- Q18 Bus

Awww, Wednesday One-liners
Boy with ice cream: Does the five-second rule apply to sidewalks?
-- 92nd & Madison
...and there are two more one liners...

Wednesdays You Don't Need, at One-Liners You Can't Afford
Girl: I was so depressed. I actually almost bought that leather jacket from Express. Whose bright idea was it to have the MCAT testing center in a shopping district?
-- 1 Train
...and there are five more one liners...

Boomsday One-Liners
20-something girl to friend, after large explosion is heard: Well, I'm from Detroit, so when I hear things like that it doesn't even bother me.
-- Union Square Holiday Market
...and there are five more one liners...

Jurassic Wednesday One-Liners
College guy: These are the best dinosaurs I've eaten all day!
-- Fordham University, Lincoln Center Campus

Ecstatic five-year-old girl: The dinosaurs! I can't wait to see the dinosaurs!
-- Metropolitan Museum of Art

Hippie girl: Yeah, I don't know about the eyeballs, but the dinosaurs are great!
-- 39th St & 8th Ave

Girl on stoop: Yo, man, I wish our dinosaurs could talk.
-- St. Mark's & 3rd

Girl on cell: Because--you know what? Because I don't etch on my DVDs with pterodactyls!
-- Court Street, Brooklyn Heights

Guy rooting through trash: If you were a dinosaur I'd be a dinosaur right beside you.
-- W 80th & Amsterdam

see all those guys wanna come treat you right cuz ya sweeter than apple pie everything that you want you got girl you know that you need to stop

Here's the weekly round-up for the first full week of 2009...

.:. ::sigh:: Is this all over yet? Because just the other day, this made the top of the MSN homepage...
.:. Not a good thing to be saying: "it's like bumper cars out there"
.:. A six-year-old drove himself to school - well, almost anyway - because he didn't want to miss school. He's lucky he didn't get hurt more seriously.
.:. Umm, okay...so this thing on crash-detecting sensors in BMWs was interesting, but also way too hard for me to get through. So...if anyone gets through it and can sum it up in 1-2 sentences for me, that'd be great, thanks!!
.:. I don't think I'd (at least, I hope I don't) ever get to the point of needing to visit the home dentist.
.:. Eep!! This kid has way more courage than I ever would in that situation (think 9y/o versus attacking pit bull).
.:. ::shudder:: Just gross...and disturbing. So glad that my job is not to swipe blow-up dolls for forensic evidence...
.:. This is pretty cool...a doctor from Novi, MI may become the U.S. Surgeon General.
.:. Interesting...an $80 million movie complex in metro Detroit...at least it would stimulate the economy...
.:. Just weird...thousands of shoes make the morning commute worse.
.:. Well...I guess that would be cool to find in the estate of a loved one...even if you're not a car person (which I'm not).
.:. Some sketches accidentally found...pretty cool, check it out.
.:. Aww, a flirting class for the nerds!! How cute!!
.:. A museum of failed romances...do you think it's going to be as popular as PostSecret?
.:. I would be frantic if I lost my diamond in a museum!!
.:. What a strange little creature...caught on film, too.
.:. Somebody didn't think this one all the way through. ::shakes head::
.:. What a good mule!!
.:. Please tell me, just what made these parents think that the moniker they bestowed upon their child wouldn't cause problems [for the kid]?
.:. Tragic...what possessed him to go to that extreme? Poor kid...
.:. Poor baby...poor kids...why? Just why? I'm sure there were other options...

And last but not least, some amusement from Overheard in New York...

Wednesday One-Liners Win the Door Prize
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, please stand clear of the closing doors. If I catch you holding the doors open, I will push you off the train and if you don't die, then you'll have to catch the next one.
-- NJ Transit
...and there are four more one liners...

Wait-- Didn't You Give Your Mom Hoop Earrings for Christmas?
Girl, telling joke: A seven-year-old daughter said to her mother: "Today in school I learned where babies come from."
Mother: "Oh, really?"
Daughter: "Yeah, a mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, the mommy makes the dad happy and his thingy stands up a little. Then the mommy puts the thingy in her mouth and the thingy stands up all the way and explodes, and that's where babies come from."
Mother: "No, honey, that's where jewelry comes from."
(laughs)
Guy listening, with horrified face: Wait a second, my mom has a s***load of jewelry. Oh, godd*** it, eewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Girl: I'm never going to look at your mom the same way ever again.
-- Arthur Avenue

Or We Can See Some Nudity
Poetry slam emcee: Hi, everyone! Wow, what a great turnout...I think you're all Emma's friends. She's first, but we have a great line-up, so please don't leave. Stay!
Emma's friend, sotto voce: Dude, it's a poetry reading, even Emma is leaving unless you give everyone another drink ticket.
-- Grand Street & Driggs, Brooklyn

Which Is Full Of Men I'd F***
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: Tom Brady is the best quarterback in the NFL.
Skinny Asian guy: I don't think he's the best, but he's pretty good.
Attractive, tall guy: He's no Joe Montana.
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: That's bulls***, he's the best ever, and you can't really argue that point. Just look at how many touchdowns he has.
Skinny Asian guy: Man, you are in love with him, it's a little scary.
Supposedly straight guy from Boston (completely serious): I am, I would totally let him f*** me if he would let me hang out with him...I would be the man.
Skinny Asian guy: I thought you were straight?
Supposedly straight guy from Boston: F*** you! I am straight but that doesn't mean I can't bang Tom Brady. I wouldn't give him oral though, I don't think.
Overweight Hispanic guy drinking appletini: Football sucks compared to soccer.
-- 45th & Madison

Sure Hope Carlos Likes Kool-Aid
Black guy: D***! You got a pretty face!
(pretty Latina turns around and ignores him)
Black guy (taking seat halfway down train): Dang! How you going to turn around on me like that?
(pretty Latina ignores him)
Black guy (very loudly): How are you going to turn around like that?
(pretty Latina now looks embarrassed)
Black guy (pulling out guitar from case): This song goes out to the girl with the pretty face! She's over there! With the long hair and the boots!
(people turn and look, pretty Latina looks very embarrassed now)
Black guy (singing to tune of "My Girl"): Come on everyone! Even the white people--join in! (sings) I've got sunshine, on a cloudy day. When it's cold outside, I've got the month of may.
(people start to join in, pretty Latina's friends are cheering and singing)
Black guy (singing): My girl! She's got black boots! The one with the long hair! C'mon girl! If you let me take you home...I'll...I'll...make you some Kool-Aid!
(pretty Latina gets off train)
Black guy: Ah, hell no! (pause). Alright, this one's for the guy with the ball! (pointing to guy with soccer ball under arm) His name's Carlos! He's from Puerto Rico!
-- 2 Train

Wouldn't That Be Statuary Rape?
Guy, looking at Greek marble sculptures: Hey, did you ever notice that a lot of these guys are missing their penises?
Girl: I think that has to do with early Christian sanctions on pagan idols.
Guy: Oh. (pauses) I thought someone out there just had a really big dildo collection.
-- The Met

And Then I Was Like, "Now What?"
Construction worker with Long Island accent: Man, I finally found Waldo the other day.
Construction worker #2: Yeah?
Construction worker with Long Island accent: Tall, striped shirt, weird shoes. And I was like, "there's Waldo!"
-- 2 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Will Swallow for Diamonds
Girl on cell: No, you remember, I'm going to be a gold-digger! It's like a hooker, but smarter.
-- NYU Classroom
...and there are four more one liners...

dead leaves and the dirty ground when I know you're not around shiny tops and soda pops when I hear lips make a sound

Here's the weekly round-up...

.:. This is just very sad. The Oak Park police officer was being a good guy, and the kid has pretty much ruined his 16y/o life... I wonder how many people attended his funeral who didn't even know him...? I would feel weird doing that.
.:. That was a really awesome thing of Dwayne Wade to do for a family.
.:. Aww...how cute, even though they're twins, they'll each get their own special day!!
.:. Wow...don't know what I'd do if I found $10 grand in my box of cheesy crackers...
.:. Hooray for mp3 player lighting the way to safety!!
.:. I can agree with what this study found...although, being young, I'm usually not optimistic when something fails.
.:. Umm...a 5¢ tax bill and a 4¢ refund? Ridiculous... ::shakes head::
.:. My mommy works for this company...and she's sent me to this specific store to pick up stuff for inter(intra-[?])store transfers.
.:. This is a good thing to know...at least since there was the not-so-great statistic that I mentioned a few weeks ago (see: .:. Well, that's comforting.).
.:. Wow...just insane. Talk about needing some anger management. Shooting someone over talking in a movie theatre?
.:. Lol...plane hits cow on landing.
.:. Umm, yeah...not the brightest thief in the world, now is he?
.:. Okay, now...if I had a bullet in my head, there is no way that I'd go back to work!!
.:. Just plain weird...why live in an airport terminal?
.:. That's pretty cool...won the lottery from a ticket thrown in the trash.
.:. I'm sure winning the $10 million was bittersweet.
.:. Lol, this just amused me (it's not recent, but it's from a blog that was suggested for me on my Google Reader)...
.:. Again, just something that amused me, but not recent.

Since it's the new year...wanna know what your horoscope is predicting for the new year? Mine was kind of a joke...at least, that's what I thought. But it's still amusing to look.

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

You Go, Roscoe!
Lady: Excuse me, do you know where the bathrooms are?
Father with toddler: Nope, sorry.
Lady: I thought people with kids always knew where the bathrooms were.
Father with toddler: Nah, I just let him pee in the grass.
-- Central Park

Should We Stop for Some Cocktails and Wait It Out?
Mom: S***, it's raining!
Four-year-old: F***!
-- Times Square

...You'll Be Proud to Throw Them Over Your Shoulder Like a Continental Soldier
Little girl to mother: Do your boobs hang low? Do they wobble to and fro? Can you tie them in a knot? Can you tie them in a bow?
Mother (under breath): You're laughing now, but one day...
-- 86th & York

How You Know Your Little Boy is Straight
Employee: I like your pink shirt.
Coworker's 9-year-old nephew: It's not pink; it's white with pink and green stripes.
Employee: So you like to wear pink?
Coworker's 9-year-old nephew: My shirt *isn't* pink! (now shouting) It's white with pink and green stripes and it takes a real man to wear pink!
-- Atlanta, Georgia

They'd Rule the World -- Oh, Wait
Teen boy #1: It's like a totally different part of the body.
Teen boy #2: Can you imagine if vaginas had brains?
-- Bedford Avenue, Brooklyn

Your Perspicaciousness Is Prodigious, You Desiccated Harridan
Teenage girl: Mom! You're being obsequious.
Hip mom: Oh. "Obsequious." Big word. Either you've started studying for the SATs or you're just pandering to your intellectual higher-ups. My guess is the latter.
-- 78th St & Broadway

In That Case, We Need to Talk About Pants
Embarrassed teenage son: Mom, cross your legs.
Obese mother: They are crossed.
Embarrassed teenage son: No, they're not. Cross them more.
Obese mother: If I cross my legs any more I'll get a blood clot.
-- G Train

Yeah, Accommodating Your Capricious Food Cravings Was Really Fun
Middle aged woman: And I smoked weed, like, ever day last summer.
Daughter: I'm shocked, mom.
Middle aged woman: Oh, so you thought I was fun naturally?
-- Central Park

This Just In: 4 Out Of 5 Dentists Recommend New Yorkers! (Click Here For More)
(Woman #1 is trying to exit Starbucks while pushing a stroller. Woman #2 comes to her rescue and keeps the door open)
Woman #1: You aren't from New York, are you?
Woman #2: No.
Woman #1: Because you're too sweet.
-- Starbucks, 114th St & Broadway

You Know the Deal. You Finish Last.
Woman blocking sidewalk for filming: Please wait two minutes. Just two minutes.
Woman barging through crowd: I didn't know this was a congregation area! (curses at woman blocking crowd)
Polite girl: Since the a**hole got through, can the nice people go through?
-- Bleecker St

From Complaining About the Discharge?
Patient: I think my boyfriend and I have contracted either gonorrhea or chlamydia.
Doctor: What makes you say that?
Patient: Well, he's having kind of a pussy discharge from his penis and a burning sensation when he urinates.
Doctor: And what symptoms have you been having?
Patient: Well, I've had a sore throat...
-- NYU Medical Center

The Day Monique Got Run Over
Elegantly dressed French lady, speaking to New York Bus Service representative: Excuse me, when does the bus arrive?
Overweight representative, screaming: The port authoritah bus come 'erry ha'f hour!
Elegantly dressed French lady (pausing and turning to French friend): Wow. And I thought my English sucked.
-- Terminal One, JFK

And Be Eaten by Hippies from Minnesota
Fire truck loudspeaker to tourists blocking entrance: Please clear the area unless you want to end up as roadkill.
-- WTC Site, Liberty Street

it's a bad day it's a train ride it's a bad day you're my medicine it's a snow day it's a full moon it's a snow day

Ugh...it's a snow day. Do you know how I learned that? From an automated phone call from the district...that's what I get for being on my brothers' emergency contact lists. Oh, and the phone call was at 6:25a. Yeah, that was so not cool. I was asleep...and then startled awake by my phone and since it wasn't a name on the caller id, just a number, I answered it. So...I've been awake on and off since then. It sucks. But anyway...

Here's the weekly round-up... (and on-time, too!!)

.:. Wow...are you kidding me? Only 3.6" and it was called a snow day? C'mon now people...we had to get 7.9" today to get our first snow day of the season.
.:. What a reassuring thing to hear from the pilot of your flight: "I'm not qualified to land the plane."
.:. How insensitive...Santa got a parking ticket (he was handing out toys)!!
.:. What would you give up over giving up internet access? Hint: it's a lot more carnal than some would think.
.:. Yay!! At least one of the last things that Bush does as president of the U.S. is a good thing for the country's economy.
.:. Hooray for Secret Santas!!
.:. A gallery of Christmas trees...I prefer a fake tree though, doesn't trigger my allergies then.
.:. Holiday light displays (the last one is the best!)...I prefer the light display just off of 12 Mile at about Washington in Royal Oak.
.:. Umm...why is there such an obsession with virtual bands? ::shakes head:: I don't get it...
.:. Supposedly, these are the 8 best tech things to buy this holiday season...I liked the Blackberry on the list (the ex has [had?] it), but didn't see what the big deal was about the rest of the list...
.:. And then there are the top 11 tech stocking stuffers... I must admit, the chargepod thingy is pretty cool (slide #7 of 13)...but I want the Target gift card featured should anyone be willing to buy me one (slide #10 of 13)...
.:. Lol, now this is just amusing...a hot pink keyboard for blondes.

And here are few things to amuse from Overheard in New York...

Come On--We New Yorkers Have Rules
Crazy 20-something woman, screaming into cell: But where have you been? (sobs) I've been waiting for you. Where are you? (screaming louder) It's been hours, where are you? Where are you? How could you do this to me? Where are you?
(everyone on sidewalk turns around as she passes)
Man: It is way too early for that.
Woman: Yeah, that's the kind of call you make at 3 am, when you're drunk.
-- Taxi Line, Penn Station

Yet a Little Bit Reptar, at the Same Time.
Girl #1: You remember on that cartoon Rugrats there was that monster named Reptar?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: I had a dream last night where I was trying to replace the word "cool" with "Reptar".
Girl #2: That's strange.
Girl #1: Yes, yes it is.
-- LIRR

I know you gotta clue what you're doing you can play brand new to all the other chicks out here but I know what you are what you are baby

***Okay, okay...so I didn't post this on the "right" day...I didn't even do it a day late like I usually do...but, hey, better late than never, right? Four days after the fact is still good...

Here's the weekly round-up of what I found interesting this week:

.:. Wow...talk about an honest, good person...
.:. Aww, how sweet is that? And a happy ending, too!! Yay for puppies!!
.:. Soo...just how was it was determined that 2008 would be the one second longer year?
.:. Well...isn't that a bleak outlook...only 1 in 50 states in the U.S.A. passes the affordability test. No, duh...recently WSU emailed current students/staff/faculty to say that enrollment was down and something else, but not to worry...yeah, it sounded worrisome to me...
.:. And then there are the lyin', cheatin' students...but don't worry, they don't see anything wrong with their personal ethics/morals. Anyone else see something wrong with that?
.:. Umm, so I attempted to figure out where MI falls on the corruption scale...but it was too confusing...but, hey, ND is top of the list.
.:. Umm, yeah...dude, that just totally sucks...and is totally embarrassing...
.:. Oh em gee...people, c'mon, why? It's just a cat...
.:. Aww, poor little rhesus monkey...
.:. Aww, poor fat puppy...luckily he was an obese puppy dog though, he would've died otherwise...
.:. Umm, yeah...don't get me wrong, I love books as much as anyone else...but over 100 grand?
.:. Ickgh ::shudder:: Why? What was the appeal? Those things don't have a taste, I mean, not other than paper anyway...
.:. Holy s***, that's insane...how'd they manage to get away with stealing $100 million in diamonds?!?
.:. Not that I agree with the views of the man, but this is pretty interesting...
.:. Haha, what an unfortunate way to get caught...vomited the evidence in front of the cops.
.:. Umm...was what this mother did really legal?
.:. Well, that's comforting.
.:. So...what do you think he did for his "nagging" wife?
.:. Yeah, it doesn't look good for the 911 dispatcher...hopefully, things are looking up for the family...
.:. Okay, so...I've thought of doing something vindictive in nature...but the difference is I didn't do anything, crazy pyro ex-girlfriend.

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

The Voters Have Spoken
Guy: Want to come back to my place?
Girl: I thought you had a girlfriend.
Guy: I told you, I just haven't broken up with her yet!
Girl: Fine, but you still have a girlfriend.
Guy: F*** that. I still have a girlfriend only in the same sense that Bush is still President.
-- Blue & Gold

Then They Should Have Those Metal Lap Bars, Like on Roller Coasters
Rookie commuter: I don't understand, all these people are standing at the doors, but nobody is leaving the train.
Experienced commuter: Umm, that's because were still moving. They tend to discourage that. Even if you know how to tuck and roll...
-- Metro North, Grand Central Terminal

She Put the Lime in Her Coconut, and I Drank 'em Both Up
Lesbian: Rachel's dying her hair again, she's going back to redhead. She's so dedicated! Every time she changes her hair color she makes sure she does the whole job, just for me!
Friend: Uh, doesn't one usually do the "whole job" when dying hair?
Lesbian: No, no, I mean she dyes *down there*, you know?
Friend: Ah, right, gotcha. (pause) Uh, wasn't she lime green last month?
-- F Train

When I'm Awake, I Drink to Forget the Dreams
Guy #1, leaving: Bye! Sweet dreams.
Girl to guy #2: I hope so, last night I had a really bad dream. What about you?
Guy #2: I had dreams last night. It's my reality that's the problem.
-- Hopscotch Cafe

Stand Clear Of the Closing Gryffindors, Please.
Conductor: Hello, and welcome to the Hogwarts Express. This is platform 9 3/4, and we will be leaving shortly for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.
Preteen holding Harry Potter book, to suit holding Harry Potter book: Oh my god! I knew they would come for me!
Suit holding Harry Potter book, to himself: I did too.
-- C Train

Only When Ultimate Fighting Practice Is Cancelled
Teenage thug #1: Yo, dude! On Oprah there was this guy who was preggers, f***ing crazy man!
(pause)
Teenage thug #2: You watch Oprah?
-- LaGuardia High School

Is There a "Ctrl Z"?
(teen #1 presses the 26th floor button. Teen #2 presses 21-25th floors for fun)
Teen #1: Dude, what the hell did you do that for?! You're an idiot, I hope you fall off my roof and die!
(pause)
Teen #3, seriously: Can we unpress it?
-- Elevator, Bay Ridge

Whoa, Breakthrough
6th grader #1: I don't want to go to tennis, I want to stay after school today.
6th grader #2: I can't, I'm going to be out until 7.
6th grader #1: Why?
6th grader #2: I have a social life.
6th grader #1: You don't have a social life; you have a therapist!
-- Trevor Day School

It's the Prospect of Going Home to Queens, Honey
Little boy watching a man: What the f***?
Mother, reading a newspaper: You better watch your mouth today, little boy!
Little boy: But Mommy, he keeps banging his head on the pole!
Mother, watching the man: What the f***?
-- F Train

Wednesday One-Liners Are Bringin' Sexy Barack
Little boy to father: When are the bad people leaving the White House so Obama can be President?
-- Grocery Store, 71st & 1st Ave
and there are six more one liners...

All Your Toys, Sure
Mother to six-year-old son: Of course I love you! You are my son, I love every bit of you!
Son: Even my balls?
-- Grand Central Station

Wednesday One-Liners, If You Know What I Mean
Woman to security guard: Excuse me, did you see a man with a really large package? I'm looking for a man with a large package. Did he come by yet?
-- 51st St & 6th Ave

LIRR worker, yelling over tracks to another who is carrying huge bolt fastener: Hey! Nice nuts!
-- Woodside Station

Lab instructor, showing students how to breathe carbon dioxide by blowing into the test tube through a straw: Don't blow too hard, or else the whole thing will come up all over your face.
-- Biology Lab, Hunter College

Very old woman to decorative hardware salesman: It's become such a problem--I just can't seem to keep my knobs tight anymore!
-- Gracious Home, 67th St & Broadway

Mother waiting for kid in the bathroom: Billy, will you stop singing and just come?
-- Waiting Room, Grand Central

faded pictures on the wall it's like they're talkin' to me disconnectin' all the calls the phone don't even ring I gotta get out figure this s*** out

Here's the weekly round-up of what I found interesting this week:

.:. Umm...yeah, all I can say is, I feel bad for the couple because at one point in time, this so could have happened to me...
.:. Can you figure out what is being sold in this ad?
.:. There are much better ways to tell your significant other that you do not like the food she cooked for you...trust me.
.:. How sad is this? An elderly man strangled his wife and then tried to kill himself.
.:. I heard this on the radio the other day and was quite amused with one of the on-air personalities' badly worded question, "does it expire?"
.:. On Monday, a Detroit headline made the national news...how pathetic is that?
.:. I like seeing stories like this one...happy beginnings, because that's really what this is, are always nice...
.:. It would be pretty cool if this could be done on a mass scale and low-cost...my dad could benefit from it.
.:. What's wrong with putting ads on tests? Especially ads that aren't distracting?
.:. Umm, yeah...there's a problem here: US officials flunk test on civil literacy...and the average citizen didn't do much better...
.:. Just a strange, strange picture (with an accompanying article)...
.:. Need a job? Live in the Albuquerque area? All you have to do is be a tattletale...
.:. Just how dumb do you have to be to think this was a real robbery?
.:. Yeah...totally not the way the open a stolen ATM...
.:. Assault by giant candy cane...yeah, I totally cannot say that with a straight face, and neither could the channel 955 morning show the other day...
.:. I just don't know what to say...I mean, how can a mother do that?

(it's really the weekly round-up for both this week and last week since I didn't do it last week)

And lastly, some amusement from Overheard in New York...

New Yorker Rule #293: Never Try to Reason with a Disgruntled Yankee Fan
Disgruntled Yankee fan #1: Tigers suck!
Disgruntled Yankee fan #2: They just beat us, a**hole.
-- Outside Yankee Stadium, after 6-2 Loss to Detroit

Wednesday One-Liners Are Pretty Sharp
Conductor: Stand clear of the doors. You are delaying service. (pause, then impatiently) Stand clear of the doors! You are delaying service! (pause) I will come back there and stab you if you do not get out of the doorway.
-- Uptown 1 Train
...and there are five more one liners...

This Way I Can Gaze at Your Beautiful Hair
Husband: (smiles)
Angry wife (crossing her arms as she crosses the street): Shut up. I want you to walk 12 steps behind me.
Husband (putting his arms up making it look like he's praising God): Hallelujah!
-- St. Benedicts Church, Bronx

And in the Face, Too
Girl #1 (about girl #2's ex): But would you shoot him?
Girl #2: Yeah. Wellll...maybe not in the face. I mean, I don't know if I would have the heart to, like, shoot him. At least not in the face. But I would stab him. Definitely I would stab him. No questions asked.
-- N Train

We Require an Application and 3 Letters of Reference
Charity rep with big water bottle of money: Give so that homeless won't go hungry, even a dollar helps!
Homeless guy in wheelchair: Give me some of that money, I'm homeless.
Charity rep: Sorry, doesn't work like that.
-- Times Square

Come Back When I've Grown This Out and I'll See What I Can Do
Customer holding $300 worth of lighting equipment: You know, if you want to give me a discount that would be totally fine with me.
Only non-Hasidic employee in sight: Sorry sir, its not my store...I don't even have the right haircut.
-- BH Photo

Dude, Don't Tease the Homeless
Homeless woman on train walking around with a tip cup after playing the guitar: Please spare some change. Somebody. Anybody!
30-something Guido, pulling out a $20: Do you have change?
-- 7 Train

Lindsay Lohan Was Always Quite the Handful
Kid to dad: Order a Margarita so I can have some.
Dad to kid: I don't drink alcohol and you are nine years old!
-- Bar, Montegue Street, Brooklyn

Except When I Went on That Drug Run
(after 20 minute discussion)
Kindergartener: What are we talking about?
Kindergarten teacher: Where have you been all day?
Kindergartener (shrugging): School.
-- Public School

Smart Money Says She's Not the First Child
Little girl (holding stomach and hunched over in pain): Owwww, my belly!
Dad, calmly: Now, Rebeca, don't be overdramatic. You are very fine.
-- Central Park Zoo

They Make Coffee-Flavored Condoms, Right?
Husband: I can't f***ing believe you fell asleep while I was making love to you.
Wife: Yeah, well maybe if your d*** was bigger, I would be more inclined to stay up!
(pause)
Husband: Maybe we should get a divorce.
Wife: Why? So you can bore some hot 20-something into falling asleep on your d***?
-- In line, MOMA

if you were dead or still alive I don't care I don't care just go and leave this all behind 'cause I swear (I swear) I don't care

Here's the weekly round-up of what I found interesting this week:

.:. I can't believe that people just sat there and watched...
.:. Why? Just why? What makes $400,000 worth it?
.:. So very glad that I wasn't on that flight!!
.:. Umm, yeah...probably not the best way to go about getting the hug that you so desperately(?) want...
.:. Yay for cell phones!! At least, yay for this guy's cell phone anyway, it saved his life.
.:. I totally agree with the retired admirals and generals that say to get rid of the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy...
.:. How sad is this? Her husband's coffin killed her...
.:. I know this is nearly four weeks old, but seriously how sweet, adorable and beautiful is this picture?

Just a short one this week...it's getting close to the end of the semester, so the next few will probably be short, also.

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

Wait -- Aren't You a Creative Writing Major?
Girl: And I had to buy my own scalpel, too.
Boy: Well, at least you'll have one now.
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: You never know when you'll need to skin a cat.
Girl: Or a person...
-- Columbia University

Do They Make Them in a Slingback?
Thug: What kinda shoes are those?
Chick in black feather skirt with 5-inch red & white heels: Miu Mius.
Thug: They're pretty.
-- Bryant Park Tents

My Barbie Says Girls Don't Care About Such Things
Park Slope mom: What did you do in science class today?
Five-year-old girl: You do not want to know.
-- F Train

A New York Cop is Born
Four-year old boy #1: Hey, try to catch me!
Four-year old boy #2: Shut the f*** up, motherf***er!
-- Carroll Gardens

And the Marks Were in the Shape of a Heart
Girl: I can't get drunk when you're not.
Guy: Why not?
Girl: You hit me, you're mean to me, you bite me--the last time you left marks on my boobs!
Guy: I never hit you.
-- 125th St & Broadway

Many Birds Have Difficulty Adjusting to City Life
Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (doors stay open) Pull yourself inside the door and let it close! (still open) Pull your pecker in! (doors close)
-- Downtown 2 Train

There's That Ivy League Logic
Druggie #1: No. Technically, if you don't have anything on you, they can't arrest you.
Druggie #2: Are you suggesting we smoke naked?
-- Columbia University

It's Not Delivery, It's Wednesday One-Liners
Six-year-old to friends: We should have an Obama pizza party!
-- Park Slope
...and there are six more one liners...

Wednesday One-Liners Have Been Workin' on the Railroad, All the Livelong Day
Conductor: Hey, partner, can we go? (static) We can't? Why the heck not? Hey, moron, get your a** in here! You're holding up a bunch of wonderful people! Wonderful New York commuters who don't need this kind of f***ing bulls*** at 3 on a Friday afternoon! (static) Yes, you! Keep pointing at yourself and my answer will keep being... Yes, it's you! Godd***it, get in the f***ing train! I hate dealing with this! (long pause) You know what, make a decision: either cram your Rosie O'Donnell a** in or get the f*** out! Oh, look, he's in! (slow, sarcastic applause) Partner, we can bounce up on out of here now.
-- 1 Train

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, for the next 250 years there will be track work on weekends. Don't say that no one told you.
-- R Train

Conductor: If you don't fit on this train kindly wait for the next B. (doors close) That was excellent, ladies and gentlemen, if you keep this up, we'll all be home really soon.
-- B Train

Conductor, looking forward to the end of his shift: All right folks, this is your 6:07 train to New Haven stopping at 125th, then express to Stamford. We're off...(makes clippy-clop noises) Neeiiigghh!
-- Metro-North Train

Conductor: This is 125th Street, may the force be with you, next stop 86th Street.
-- 4 Train

Conductor, after train goes through stop: Whoops! My bad. My bad.
-- G Train

Conductor, after train stops: Ladies and gentlemen, there is train traffic up ahead. We'll start moving as soon... (train starts moving) Oh, well, I guess that's cleared up. Weee!
-- Downtown A Train

I know you want what's on my mind I know you like what's on my mind I know it eats you up inside I know you know you know you know

Here's the weekly round-up of what I found interesting the week of November 17^th:

.:. Ugh...this is just disgusting, his own children, too. I really hope that their mother was unaware, otherwise she's worse than their dad.
.:. I don't know what to say other than to use the actual headline: Suspects Wanted in 'Cowardly' Assault...tsk tsk, I hope they found whoever did it...
.:. That's a lot of pot...
.:. Umm...aren't Christians supposed to be kind to one another? Like, especially the monks? Not fighting one another at Jesus' tomb.
.:. Aww, how sad...it makes you wonder what else was going on that an 8y/o felt compelled to murder his father...
.:. Yay! Now the lowly, little stick is part of the Toy Hall of Fame...umm, actually that really isn't exciting.
.:. Umm, ew. Check out #8.
.:. The new natural wonders...
.:. This part amuses me the most:

"Deep-water octopuses worldwide, he pointed out, lack the ink sack that allows their shallow-water cousins to shoot out a camouflage screen.
After all, if they live where it is dark, ink is unnecessary, said O'Dor, a Canadian member of the research team."

Like, duh!
.:. Hooray! Even after being blinded mid-flight, still landed safely!!
.:. ::shudder:: Just creepiness....three dead bodies?!?
.:. Just craziness...running with a rabid animal attached to arm...
.:. This is why people should not let massive amount of money go to their heads...
.:. Haha, the dog managed to drive the car...actually that's not really funny because it could have been really bad...
.:. Strange...just glad that I don't live near this "musical" road...
.:. Seriously, now...requesting sleepovers? And people are actually allowing it?!?

Sorry, all the serious newsy stuff went first, then the happier stuff...y'know, sadden you, then make you happy? Makes sense, right?

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

She Actually Gave Him Cash--She Just Gets a Cheap Thrill Out of Alliteration
Hobo: Spare some change?
Girl: Yeah...so you can go buy booze? Keep dreaming, bucko.
-- Times Square

Nah. Do What You Want--and Take the Consequences
Well-dressed balding father: I could honestly care less.
Shaggy haired teen: You're my father! You're supposed to care if I'm failing out of school and doing drugs!
Well-dressed balding father: Nope, not interested.
Shaggy haired teen: You have to care! I can't believe this s***!
-- Bleeker & Broadway

Kindly Old People Really Give Us Hope
Grandpa: Do we really have to take them to the f***ing zoo?
Grandma (holding a pamphlet about the zoo): Look, this is the stupid s*** that they're into, so this is where we gotta go.
Grandpa (pointing to a picture in the pamphlet): What the f*** is that? A chipmunk?
Grandma: It's a f***ing rabbit!
-- St. Mark's Place, Staten Island

Tonight on Ninja Mom
Mother wagging finger, scolding son: I'm very disappointed in you!
Six-year-old son: Mommy, don't get mad at me, we were only trying to break each other's bones.
-- W11th St & 7th Ave

...Ferragamo?
Four-year-old girl: Look at my new purse.
Six-year-old boy: Yeah, so?
Four-year-old girl: It's Prada.
Six-year-old boy: I don't think that's a Prada purse.
Four-year-old girl: But it's pink...
Six-year-old boy: Yeah, but I don't think that makes it Prada.
Four-year-old girl (very sadly): Oh.
-- Henry St & Pierrepont St, Brooklyn Heights

Ask a Stupid Question...
Professor: So what do you think of when you think of "paternalism"? Anyone?
Student: "Maury"?
-- City College

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't Just Poor, They're Po'
Horny dude (after being rejected by a girl at the bar): I asked her if she wanted a drink and she gave me the look that I give to homeless people on the subway.
-- 79th & Broadway
...and there are five more one liners...

Little People--Big Wednesday One-Liners
Drunk guy with group of friends: I'm sorry I hit you, I thought I was Irish and you were four feet tall.
-- 41st & 2nd Ave
...and there are five more one liners...

why does it always seem that every time I turn around somebody falls in love with me this has never been my sole intention

My Cosmo horoscope for today says...

Libra - Single? Your affectionate nature could capture an extroverted cutie's attention. Attached? Showing interest in his favorite recreation inspires affection under loving Venus.

And who would that said cutie be? Cuz I don't really think that there are any guys taking more than a platonic interest in me lately... I mean, unless you count the random men on the streets of Midtown Detroit...and I'm not!

First, there is a special political weekly round-up (for those of you living under a rock, since that's gotta be the only way you've made it to Friday and don't know that Barack Obama was elected the 44^th president of the U.S.A.):

.:. Ann Nixon Cooper, the woman mentioned in Sen. Barack Obama's acceptance speech of the presidency...even Sen. John McCain's concession speech was pretty good.
.:. "Yes we can" "Yes we did" It would have been pretty awesome to have been in Grant Park on Tuesday night...don't you agree?
.:. Yay for being young and voting (in record numbers, too)!!
.:. Aww, the little Obama girls are so adorable!! Sleepovers, puppies and family dinners with the new First Family...
.:. SNL's Best Presidential Moments (from E! online)
.:. A backwards step for gay rights in California (and gigantic discrimination in Arizona, Arkansas and Florida)...

Here is the weekly round-up of what I found interesting this week:

.:. Yay! There's a possible benefit to all the stupid migraines that I suffer from!!
.:. Eeep! That's a lot of money...$50,000 for an original sketch of Winnie the Pooh.
.:. Umm...yeah, being drunk and thinking you're driving your car, not gonna get you off for stealing a car...
.:. Aww...poor kid, poor family...what an awful Halloween...

And here's some Twilight related stuff:

.:. Rate-a-Trailer
.:. another movie clip and the video for Paramore's "Decode"
.:. Vanity Fair has a bunch of pics and an essay

all Twilight links are from E! online

Some amusement from Overheard in New York...

Hey, I Saw the Crude Sketches in the Boys' Restroom Way Before That
(class is watching a science video)
Scientist in the video: The problem with the big bang is that we know nothing about it. We don't when it banged, why it banged, how it banged, what exactly was being banged...
(entire class laughs)
Smart-a** student: See, when a man loves a woman...
Smarter-a** student: Please, as if you didn't just learn that last year in bio!
-- Stuyvesant High School

As Is Required by US Law
Mother: I'm so glad you want to learn about voting!
Five-year-old girl, to employee: Where are your books about Joe Biden?
(ten minutes later)
Five-year-old girl, screaming at the magazine rack: I want the magazine with the lady from TV on it!
Mother: Use your indoor voice. You know what her name is.
Five-year-old girl: But...I love Oprah.
-- Barnes & Noble, 86th & Lexington

look at the shape I'm in talking to the walls again look at the state I'm in

Since I didn't do it last week, here is the weekly round-up of what caught my interest for the week:

.:. Blah blah blah...
.:. How is (up to) 60 days in jail worth it as opposed to just paying the $7⁴⁵ for the restaurant bill?
.:. And there is the crazy old lady arrested for stealing the kids' football...
.:. Are you kidding me? A hospital bill for a 19 hour visit where a physician was never seen?
.:. Oh, man...that's not supposed to happen...no real shooting at the re-enactments of Civil War battles!!
.:. Awww, the puppy dog rescued the kittens from fire!!
.:. Well...that's an interesting order...
.:. As long as you're feeling warm (physically), then you're going to be more generous...
.:. Seriously, it's just a game...crazy lady, but at least she didn't kill the real him.
.:. Umm, just how stupid does he think the court is? A picture next to a foreign newspaper?

I want to go see Zack & Miri Make a Porno (check out the review from Variety). Too bad I don't have anyone to go with. Oh!, and I also want to see Rachel Getting Married. The second movie is why I wanted to go to the movies last weekend...and Zack & Miri is why I want(ed) to go to the movies this weekend... Oh, well...

I want to go to these concerts:

.:. All-American Rejects at St. Andrews Hall ticket info [doesn't exist]
.:. Avenged Sevenfold, Buckcherry, Shinedown and Saving Abel at Eastern Michigan University ticket info
.:. Mudvayne at the Fillmore Detroit ticket info
.:. Hinder, Trapt and Rev Theory at Clutch Cargo's ticket info

Somebody should take me (or y'know, go with me). 'Kay, thanks, that would be awesome.

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

Tonight's Movie: 101 Dildotians
Gay guy, trying on long black fur coat: How do I look?
Girl: Like a gay, Russian Cruella de Vil.
Random customer: I'm gay and Russian. And I wouldn't wear that.
-- Century 21

And My Wife's Ovulation Schedule
Bartender: Stay for another round?
NYU kid: What time do you close today?
Bartender: 4 am, same as every day. I have the schedule right here. I also have the AA schedule!
-- Blarney Bar

Nobody Respects a Wimpy Whiner, Y'know
Teen: I'll get us a cab.
Grandma: Let's just walk, it's only a few blocks from here.
Teen: Are you sure? What about your hip?
Grandma: Well, it hurts, dear, but I'm not going to be a p**** about it.
-- 57th St

Even at Bed, Bath and Beyoobies?
Two-year-old boy, pointing at dinnerware: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: No.
Two-year-old boy, pointing at pots: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: No.
Two-year-old boy, pointing at woman: Boobies?
Mother, pushing him inside shopping cart: Yes, but that's rude.
-- Bed Bath & Beyond

Explains Why She Always Got Me Blacklight Posters for Christmas
Girl #1: Oh... I love that smell...smells like my grandma's garden.
Girl #2: Huh? I smell marijuana.
Girl #1: Oh... (long silence)
-- Union Square

Who Gets Medical Testing on Vacation?
Four-year-old boy: What's taking so long?
Mom: Well, you know how today you have a vacation from school? Well, a lot of other people have a vacation from work.
(very long pause)
Four-year-old boy: That's crap.
-- Waiting Room, LabCorp in Bayside

Not "I'll F*** You" Good, But Good Nonetheless
Construction worker #1 to hot girl: D*** baby, did it hurt? You know, when you fell from heaven?
Hot girl: (looks back and rolls her eyes)
Construction worker #2: Your name must be Candy 'cause you look so sweet!
Hot girl: (looks back and rolls her eyes again, laughing a little)
Construction worker #3: Nice shoes, wanna f***?
Hot girl (laughs hysterically): That's gotta be the best I've ever heard!
-- 65th & Broadway

Wiisday One-Liners
Guy, getting his hair cut: So I spent $150 more than I would have if I got the Wii in the store, 'cause my wife said, "If I don't get Guitar Hero, I will divorce you."
-- SoHo

Dork: Don't call it a Gameboy...you're downgrading my PSP.
-- The Village

Small Asian kid, pounding the computer mouse in frustration: Where the hell is Carmen Sandiego?!
-- Chinese School

40-year-old guy with ten-year-old kid, to GameStop employee: Excuse me, I'm thinking of buying GTA for my son. Is there a way to turn off the profanity?
-- GameStop, Park Ave

Angry guy to girlfriend: Look, I get the whole not wanting to have public sex thing, but I don't know if I can be with someone who won't play Wii.
-- 43rd & Madison

all my life I've been over the top I don't know what I'm doing all I know is I don't wanna stop all fired up I'm gonna go till I drop

Ewewew!! I'm not sure, because I can't remember for sure...but I think almost every day this week there has been a dead rat (yes, rat, it's not a squirrel) at the corner of Warren & Chrysler. And then starting, I think, Tuesday because I'm pretty sure it was there for three days, there was a dead cat about two-thirds of the way up the exit ramp of the South I-75 for Warren Ave. It was so disgusting having to maneuver around the roadkill...oh, and this morning, I still had to maneuver around the dead rat. But it's quite possible that was cleaned up and now replaced by a gray squirrel because the roadkill that was there this morning was a bit too fluffy and clean looking to still be the same flattened creature from Monday morning...

And now that I'm done grossing you out...

My Cosmo horoscope for today says...

Libra - Single? A pumped guy you meet at the gym is fun to flirt with, but he isn't attentive enough for you. Attached? Working your sexual magic in the tub leads to a sensual round two later in bed.

Umm...now usually I would italicize the section of the horoscope pertaining to my status, but since it's been nearly three weeks since the boy and I have actually been near one another, I hardly know if I'm actually in a relationship or not (and this Monday, 10/13, when he came over to my dad's house for a couple of hours barely counts, and again, this past Saturday, 10/11, when he came over only to connect me to my dad's wi-fi because my dad and I couldn't figure Vista out, barely counts because it was all of less than 30 minutes). And I miss him. ::sigh:: Oh!, but anyway...not expecting my horoscope to come true today...

Anyway, here's the weekly round-up for the week of October 13^th:

.:. This is particular to Proposal 2 (the stem cell research one) in the state of MI only...
.:. What the kind of candy you like says about you...
.:. Aww, how cute...little boy puppies let the girl puppies win.
.:. A snake bite couldn't stop the mail frombeing delivered!!
.:. This is just sick and wrong.
.:. Lost dog found a travel agency to get home.
.:. Lawsuit against God thrown out. Are you kidding me? There was even a lawsuit to begin with?

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

She Was Hoping for a Salad of Steel
Waitress: Will you have a soup or salad?
Girl: Sure, I'll have the super salad.
Waitress: No, will you have the soup or salad?
Girl: I said I'll have the super salad.
Waitress: No, (really slowly) will you have the soup or salad.
Girl: Ohhhhh, the salad.
-- Elmo, Chelsea

This Is Your Brain on Stupid Customers
Customer: I'll have an egg omelet.
Cook: An egg omelet?
Customer: Yeah, one made with eggs.
Cook: Thank god you mentioned eggs. I was about to give you an omelet solely made from butter!
-- Grant's Restaurant

Does It Burn When You Wednesday One-Liner?
Hipster to friend: Thank god AIDS wasn't in Africa yet when I was there, I wouldn't have f***ed anybody.
-- Classroom, NYU
...there are five more one liners...

Wednesday One-Liners Melt in Your Mouth
Would-be CIA student on cell: Yeah, so I think my interview at the CIA went well. I think I'll really like it there. (notices people around him) ...the Culinary institute of America! (everyone smiles)
-- 80th & Broadway
...there are five more one liners...

when you see my face I hope it gives you hell I hope it gives you hell when you walk my way I hope it gives you hell I hope it gives you hell

My daddy is coming home today!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is the weekly round-up of what caught my interest this week:

.:. A bank robber used Craigslist to get some decoys...
.:. This is highly amusing...public humiliation as opposed to jail time.
.:. 20 hours of listening to classical music as a sentence...only made it through 20 minutes...
.:. It's never too late to return something stolen...even 50 years later.

There wasn't as much this week, sorry. I was busy and didn't look at as many things as previous weeks.

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

The Lightbulb Moment That Would Change Peter's Life Forever
20-something chick: I still think the dog toy looks like a butt plug.
20-something guy: If there is such a thing.
20-something chick, with shocked face: Are you serious? Yes, there are butt plugs.
20-something guy: For what?
20-something chick: For people.
20-something guy: For *what*?
20-something chick: Nevermind.
20-something guy: No! Tell me! For *what*?
-- Dallas BBQ, Chelsea

I Heart NY. Now More Than Ever.
(girl flips off hecklers in a car)
Guy in car: Oh yeah, sweetie? Why don't you stick that up your a**?!
Girl: Maybe if I made it into a fist you'd want to stick it up yours.
-- 30th Ave, Astoria

Like a Squirrel, I Need to Hoard Nuts
Girlfriend: The last thing on the list is pantyhose.
Boyfriend: Pantyhose? I didn't know you wore pantyhose.
Girlfriend: I don't in the summer, because summer is the time to be free and relaxed, but now it's cold and I need to keep warm.
Boyfriend: If you are so free and relaxed in the summer, why are we having sex more now?
Girlfriend: Because now it's cold and I need to keep warm.
-- Duane Reade

Word to Your Mom
Middle aged white woman on cell: Okay, mom. Go back to watching Snoop. Yeah, I know you love him. Okay, have fun watching the D-0-double g! Bye.
Random passerby: Best. Conversation. Ever.
-- Upper West Side

Don't Judge Me. Bitch
Little girl with cotton candy to lonely goth girl sitting on a curb: Look! I have cotton candy! See? (shoves it in her face)
Goth girl: Oh...good?
Mother: Ha, ha! Like you care!
-- St. Mark's Place

Maverick Wednesday One-Liners Take on the Washington Establishment
Hobo on street corner: Vote for McCain. Get nuclear rockets shot up your a** and eat moose burgers all day!
-- W 3rd & MacDougal St
...and there are five more one-liners...

Why Many Kids Get Left at the Mall Each Year
Dad: We're going over there. To the mall.
Six-year-old son: I need some s***. And who's going to buy me some s***? You.
-- 33rd & 6th

I don't care what you think as long as it's about me the best of us can find happiness in misery

Here is the weekly round-up of what caught my interest this week:

.:. This is just sad and wrong...
.:. Are you kidding me? He hugged an officer and now faces charges?
.:. Kung Fu Panda is getting a sequel!!
.:. This is pretty amusing...666 road signs are being stolen in NJ...
.:. How sad is this? A house sold at auction for $1.75...and no, that was not a typo.
.:. Right...I don't really know what this said, but this guy managed to do something amazing with baseball stuff...
.:. Ewewew!! She drank bat coffee!!
.:. Aww...how cute is this? Two moms were in the same room on the maternity floor and then their babies grew up and now they're getting married!!
.:. This is pretty cool about the astronaut's diary going on display.
.:. Selling potato peelers sent his children to college...
.:. Eeep...this is just terrible, man claims that his penis was amputated without his consent.
.:. This bill supported by MI doctors just might make it so that my ancient neighbor couldn't drive...
.:. Haha...honey loving bear was stealing honey from hives...

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

Where They Let the Sunshine in
(after a performance of Hair)
Woman: What was your favorite part?
Four-year-old girl: I liked all the parts.
Six-year-old girl: I liked the naked part.
-- Delacorte Theater, Central Park

Let's Just Go to Prada and Pet the Leopard Print
Five-year-old girl: Mommy! Taking the train is fun! It's like going to the zoo! (points to several rats on the tracks)
Mother: Yes darling, just remember it's not a petting zoo! (frantically pulls her daughter away from the platform).
-- Pacific St N Line

You Can Always Tell the Conductors Who Used to Teach Public School
Train conductor on "drunk train" from Penn Station: To your right, you will see a big shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Port Jeff, get off of this train, and get on that shiny train. If you are changing to the train to Montauk, walk through the big shiny train, until you see an even *bigger* shiny train. The train to Montauk will have not one, but two big shiny levels. That is the train to Montauk. So remember: Port Jeff?
Conductor and herd of drunken fools: Shiny train!
Conductor: Montauk?
Drunken fools: Bigger shiny train! Woooo!
-- LIRR, Jamaica Station

We Imagine a Young Katherine Hepburn in This Role
Hot chick: You are never gonna get a job talking like that.
Thug: Yeah, you know, I can turn dis s*** off and talk all professional and s*** if I have to. (in professional voice): I can speak in a manner which is becoming to a young professional and present myself as an upstanding member of society (now back to thug speak) nawmsayin'?
Hot chick (sarcastically, enunciating each word): Yes. I know what you are saying.
-- 6 Train

Oh, Crap--It's Spurted All Over the Bag
Woman #1, with water bottle in paper bag: I don't understand why they gave me a bag. What's the point of putting just a water bottle in a bag?
Woman #2: You should've just told them you didn't want one.
Woman #1: Yeah, but I didn't notice until he put it in.
(pause, then both women snicker)
-- Elevator, 8th Ave

How Come Math Majors Are Always the Slowest to Understand This Concept?
Nerdy guy: I don't understand what the significance of the number 69 is. Can someone explain it to me?
Girl: You go to NYU and you don't know that?
(nerdy guy shakes his head)
Girl: To put it bluntly, it's two people giving each other head.
Nerdy guy: Wait, but what does that mean?
Girl: Oh my god...I can't tell you that now. You're the most innocent guy here. It would be like killing a unicorn.
-- Kimmel Center, NYU

It's $10 Extra If You'd Prefer Dragon's Pee
Customer getting tattooed: What's in that spray bottle?
Tattooer, holding bottle that says "soap" on it: Unicorn milk.
-- 13th Street

your mind's in disturbia it's like the darkness is the light disturbia am I scarin' you tonight your mind's in disturbia ain't used to what you like

Here is the weekly round-up of what caught my interest this week:

.:. This is pretty interesting, pleasing smells can trigger happy dreams.
.:. Lol...this is pretty amusing...since when can grandpa have a baby?
.:. Ew...PETA is just crazy. Who would want to buy ice cream made with human breast milk?
.:. Giant, prehistoric potholes at the former WTC site...
.:. Umm, yeah...this lawyer is part of the reason they get such a bad name...
.:. The U.S. penny is getting a new look!
.:. This article about the "Big Bang" machine thingy made me think of the boy because he's super fascinated by it.
.:. Holy crap, what a psycho (ex-?)girlfriend!?! Swinging a sword at her boyfriend 'cause he didn't do the dishes...
.:. Seriously, what an idiot...smoking practically on the train tracks, when he could see the train coming? No wonder he got clipped by the train.
.:. Umm, can anyone say 'insanity plea'? 'Cause why else would he claim that he's a secret agent...
.:. Some athletes are donating their brains to concussion research (postmortem, of course)...that's pretty cool.
.:. So, it looks like MI may be getting more carpool lanes...
.:. This is just sad...but not surprising...

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

Laugh While You Can, Stupid Americans! Oh, Sorry...
Arabic professor: "Qadam" means foot. How do you say more than one foot?
Male student: Feet.
(class laughs)
Arabic professor: In Arabic.
-- Fordham University, Lincoln Center

This Leopard-Print Fannypack Is Just Style
Flyer guy: Want to see a comedy show? It's hilarious!
(passers-by ignore him)
Flyer guy: Okay, good talk.
Hipster girl: (giggles)
Flyer guy: Oh! You like laughing, want to see a comedy show?
Hipster girl: No. I'm not a f***ing tourist, leave me alone.
-- Times Square

Think I Know How This One Ends...
50-something woman: Do you have baked goods?
Girl with empty wicker basket: Excuse me?
50-something woman: Baked goods. Where are you going with them?
Girl with empty wicker basket (slowly looking into basket and then back at woman): To grandmother's house.
-- Penn Station

When She Misbehaves, She Has to Tell the Maid to Clean Her Room
Mother: You sent 340 text messages and went over the plan. You owe me $10.
Daughter: Can I have $10?
Mother: Sure. (hands daughter $10)
Daughter: Here! (hands mother $10)
-- Outside St. James Theatre

Everything She Knows About Europe She Learned from Greek Tragedies
Male third grader: It's illegal to marry your sibling.
Female third grader: Yeah, unless you're from Europe.
-- Bus

I won't be your Superman I won't be your hero everything I did was for you everything you said was a lie my pain your gain who's your hero today?

Here is the weekly round-up of what caught my interest this week:

.:. This is just incredible...she was able to call 911 for herself and she survived.
.:. Aww, poor mommy...pinned for five days, but says that her kids kept her alive.
.:. What a good little puppy dog!! She helped out the elderly neighbor...
.:. How cool is that? The puppy dog called 911 for his owner...
.:. Eep...I don't think I could do that...poor kitty cat...
.:. This is just gross...8 organisms that'll make you say "eww"
.:. What an idiot...no, seriously, officer, the crack made me do it...
.:. This is just sad...little boy brings gun to school for a second time...
.:. How sweet is this...Disney quotes helped a dad and his autistic son while afloat at sea...
.:. This made me think of the boy: dust devils photographed on Mars.
.:. Oh...em...gee...that's one gigantic diamond...
.:. Hurricane Ike didn't do all bad things...like this: helped to uncover a Mississippi River shipwreck.
.:. This would quite possibly cause me to freak out: finding a stranger snoring in my toddler's bed.

That's all for this week.

Yay for cider mills! I want to go to one...that would be awesome. ::sigh::

And if this wasn't in Grand Rapids, then I would want to go. Well, I still want to go...I just mean that I would want to go more, and quite possibly actually buy the tickets. Oh, well...

And now for some amusement from Overheard in New York...

Serves You Right for Trying to Be Tactful in New York
Woman leaving train to suit with open fly: (inaudible)
Suit (loudly): What is "the barn door is open?" What is that supposed to mean?
-- 6 Train

Wednesday One-Liners Been There, Done That
Old guy sitting on bench, to other: I'm gonna send your picture to Bellevue, so they can get the food ready for ya.
-- Central Park
...and there are six more one liners...

Wednesday One-Liners: The Final Frontier
Crazy man dressed like a king: Everyone, I just bought the sun! So if you don't mind, I'd like a hundred dollars an hour if you're using my sunlight.
-- Sheep Meadow, Central Park
...and there are five more one liners...