I hate everything about you why do I love you I hate everything about you why do I love you

Well...today was the final day of my self-defense class...and I got my butt kicked. But I managed to kick the guy-in-a-padded-suit's butt, too. Hooray for next week being break. Although, I have no idea what I'm going to do next week since my schedule is w i d e open.

Something really bugs me about people...especially the people that I have to deal with on a daily basis... But the thing that's bugging me the most lately isn't something external...it's just me and the stupid, messed up stuff in my head. I don't just take things at face value...I read too much into everything lately. And it's really screwing with me. Mostly just cuz I feel really unwanted and like a burden. That's not the best way to feel.

Ugh...Camp Lazlo sounds a lot like Rocko's Modern Life...and I don't like either cartoon at all. My youngest brother has the tv on and that's what on Cartoon Network right now.

I'm hungry...but there's nothing to eat in my house...and I have no disposable money for food. I mean, there is food in the house, but it's the same things that I already ate for breakfast and lunch today. And I don't want to eat the same meal, three times in one day. Plus...I'm annoyed because I fell asleep earlier (when I didn't want to) and now that I want to just go to bed and wake up...I don't know, Monday...I can't because I'm pretty awake thanks to my unwanted nap.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

the world's on fire it's more than I can handle

I so do not want to my homework...I have so much of it to get done this weekend. I have to read two chapters (at least) of my anatomy and physiology book...I have to read a chapter from my sociology book...I have to write a dialogue for my Spanish class...I have to read about four chapters of my abnormal psychology book and answer some questions for one of the chapters...I need to do research for my oral presentation for abnormal psych, too... Ugh...why do I procrastinate so much???

you must not know 'bout me I could have another you by tomorrow so don't you ever for a second get to thinkin' you're irreplaceable

[update - 12/17/08] I combined all the quiz posts from 2/8/07 into one post and used the #1 song on that day for the title

.:. How violent are you?

How violent are you.. Your Result: Ice Cold Killer   You don't give a #$@% about ANYTHING. You'd walk over a dying man any day. If someones givin' you trouble the fights over before it started. Your enemies better look over their shoulder all day..
Antisocial
Edgy
Risque
Chilled out
How violent are you.. Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

.:. Do you have wisdom?

There is a 82% chance you are wise.

 

You have passed by many of your contemporaries. You are at critical juncture of your personal evolution. You are at the point where many become self-satisfied and stop growing. In doing that, they begin regressing. You can avoid that trap by comtemplating life a little each day, by reading a great diversity of material to expand your mind and grow new brain cells, and by striving to be a person of high moral character. There is room to grow and growth is still needed. On you, lies the burden of leadership by example, through humility, and for the good of all.

Do You Have Wisdom?
Make a Quiz

.:. What's your true personality?

Whats your true personality? Your Result: peaceful   *strengths* low-key personality, easygoing && relaxed, calm && collected, patient && well balanced, consistent life, quiet but witty, sympathetic && kind, keeps emotions hidden, competent && steady, peaceful && agreeable, has administrative ability, mediates problems, avoids conflicts, good under pressure, finds easy way, easy to get along with, pleasant && enjoyable, inoffensive, good listener, dry sense of humor, enjoys watching ppl, has many friends, has compassion && concern *weaknesses* unenthusiastic, fearful && worried, indecisive, avoids responsibility, quiet will of iron, selfish, too shy, too compromising, self-righteous, not goal orientated, lacks self-motivation, resents being pushed, lazy && careless, discourages others, would rather watch, dampens enthusiasm, isnt exciting, judges others, sarcastic && teasing, resists change
perfect
powerful
popular
Whats your true personality? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

.:. What type of writer should you be?

You Should Be a Film Writer

You don't just create compelling stories, you see them as clearly as a movie in your mind. You have a knack for details and dialogue. You can really make a character come to life. Chances are, you enjoy creating all types of stories. The joy is in the storytelling. And nothing would please you more than millions of people seeing your story on the big screen!

What Type of Writer Should You Be?

.:. What temperament are you?

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace. You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions. You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected. It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional. You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others. While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well. At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything. You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams. You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

.:. The Sesame Street personality quiz

You Are Bert

Extremely serious and a little eccentric, people find you loveable - even if you don't love them! You are usually feeling: Logical - you rarely let your emotions rule you You are famous for: Being smart, a total neat freak, and maybe just a little evil How you life your life: With passion, even if your odd passions (like bottle caps and pigeons) are baffling to others

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

.:. What type of person do you attract?

What type of person do you attract? Your Result: You attract artsy people!   Those free spirited artists with great imaginations find you interesting. They are usually interesting themselves, so its not a bad thing, but they CAN be a bit wifty and choose odd goals. If you like life to always be a bit 'different' from the norm, but not too extreme in any one direction, these are the people for you. If you seek logical decision making skills and good money management, you may want to change something in the way you appear. Artsy people are fun for adventure and exploring, so, have fun! (smoking weed helps too)
You attract Yuppies!
You attract geeks!
You attract unstable people!
You attract models!
You attract rednecks!
What type of person do you attract? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

this is the life hold on tight and this is the dream it's all I need you never know where you'll find it and I'm gonna take my time

Okay...so...the first week of school wasn't as bad as I'd expected... But I still don't like it. Oh well... My sociology teacher is a crazy, little old man from Poland...he was a cute, little old man...hard to understand at times though. My Spanish teacher is a pretty cool guy so far...he was born in South Africa, moved to England when he was four and then moved to the U.S. when he was five...and he became a U.S. citizen recently. My psychology teacher is easily distracted and told us that he printed a syllabus just to make his boss happy because he probably won't follow it. My self-defense teacher is going to be teaching us self-defense and he's currently on crutches...but there's another faculty member that's doing a study on females and self-defense and the girls that participate will receive some money. I have the same teacher for A&P II that I had for A&P I...so I'm not worried about my teacher.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

you must help me if you can Doctor my eyes tell me what is wrong was I unwise to leave them open for so long

I HATE GOING TO THE DOCTOR'S!!!!!

My appointment was for 3:00pm...I didn't see the doctor until after 4:00pm... Her excuse was that she went into the wrong room... Yeah...I just bit my lip... And I tried getting her to prescribe something that has a generic for me...all she did was suggest trying something that just came out and has no generic!! I just said 'nevermind.' I didn't feel like saying anything else to her because I was pretty sure that I was going to lose my temper and I didn't want to make her mad because I didn't want the stupid exam to be any more uncomfortable than it already is. So...that just means that I'm not going to go back and see her again...screw that...time for a new doctor.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

and I've hurt myself by hurting you some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit sometimes I just wanna hide 'cause it's you I miss

Blah...my head hurts...still...and really badly... And the stupid, bright sun is not helping me feel any better!!!! My head has been hurting since about 2:30p yesterday afternoon...isn't that cool?

Plus...my jaw has been hurting since Saturday...Sunday was the worst...so I guess it's getting better. Whatever. Eating is just so fun with a sore jaw.

But anyway...I have a doctor's appointment on Friday...and I so do not want to go.

Hopefully everyone had a good New Year's...and is having a good year so far... But then again, I don't know how bad of a year it could be since it's only 10.5 hours into the second day of the year.

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

the little weirdo down the street says he's making a rocket ship with household items so we can't find him

Wanna hear something completely insane?

Last night when I came home from going out...the tv and living room light were on...as soon as the boy pulled into the driveway, the light and tv were turned off and then...whoever was staying up watching the tv started looking out the window of the front door... As if that isn't weird enough...the person was there for a long time...like about 10 minutes...just peering out the window...but crouching down...kinda as though s/he thought that if s/he crouched down, neither of us would notice the weirdo in the window... It was so freaking retarded!! And I'm about 99% sure that the wacko peering out the window was my stepdad...

I swear...it doesn't matter if I come home on time for his ridiculous curfew...because if I come home "on time," he treats me like a child...if I come home later, he treats me like a child... What's the point? ::sigh:: Whatever...eventually...I won't have to deal with him anymore...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

and I am aware now of how everything's gonna be fine one day too late I'm in Hell

I was just being moody last night...all is fine...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

it's gonna take a long time to love it's gonna take a lot to hold on it's gonna be a long way to happy yeah left in the pieces that you broke me into

Blah...I don't know what to do... I want one thing...but I want something else just as much... I don't really know if I want anyone else's opinion though... I think that I might have jumped into something way too quickly...I'm not sure that I made the best decision... Actually...I've been thinking that I made a mistake...and that bugs me... Lately...I've been feeling more and more like... Yeah...I don't feel like finishing that thought... Seriously though...stay with the guy that makes me happy...or give up on the relationship that has way too many problems...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

the record won't stop skipping and the lies just won't stop slipping and besides my reputations on the line we can fake it for the airwaves

Well...Christmas is over...yays!!! But on the bright side, no major confrontations between family members again this holiday. I just have to write some 'Thank You' notes to some people...I know, I know, that seems a little, like, old-fashioned or something, but I guess it's just habit. I barely got any clothing this Christmas...that's pretty darn cool. But of the clothing that I did get, it was picked out well and I like it. So...thank you!! I got an adorable [Build-a-Bear] teddy bear, too. All dressed up cute in a tux.

Ugh...y'know what bugs the crap out of me? When my grandmother calls my cell phone in the morning as though it's the freakin' house phone. And then she wonders why I'm slightly crabby on the phone... And then when she does finally come over, she just sits in the driveway and repeatedly honks the horn instead of coming to the door like a normal person. And when she does finally get out of the car and come to the door, she just keeps her stupid finger on the doorbell. No wonder I try and avoid the crazy woman. I think that she needs some better SSRI's...seriously...

And...last Thursday...out of the blue my stepfather told me that I have a new, earlier than last time curfew. I'm supposed to be home by 12:30a Sun-Thur and by 3:00a Fri/Sat. Does he not realize that I'm 21 years old? I don't have a problem with having to follow some basic rules/guidelines...the thing that I have a problem with is that he thinks it's okay to ignore for days/weeks at a time and then spring some arbitrary rules on me and then go about talking to me, behaving as though he hasn't been ignoring me for some specifc reason that is unknown to me. I hate it more than anything.

Oh...and then on Friday was my daddy's Christmas party [for work]...so I got some free food for lunch. Yays!! And then...after the boy got of work, he and I went to get him some dinner and then wish his dad "Happy Birthday"...and then we met up with my dad, D**** (one of my dad's friends and co-workers) and K**** (my dad and D's supervisor at work) at The Berkely Front. After going there, we then left for the last stop of the evening... I had to have the boy make a detour and stop at my dad's house cuz I needed to pee. But anyway...we ended at Jon Jon's... The first time that I go to a strip club...it's with my fiance, my father, his friend and my father's supervisor. That's pretty interesting. I was only weirded out once...and that was when the stripper started talking to me...I didn't really know what to do.

But now...I have to come up with some plans for New Year's Eve... Any ideas?

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

Waltz of the Flowers

Guess what...

I saw "The Nutcracker" ballet this past Sunday afternoon...it was fun. Except for the little girl, her mother (or grandmother) and her sister (or orphan child brought along) behind us...they didn't shut up for nearly the enitre ballet. It was annoying. And guess what...the boy even kind of liked it. It wasn't as bad as he was expecting. So that was good. Means that maybe someday he'll take me to see some other ballet...like "Swan Lake" or something. But I'm not counting on anything...not yet anyway.

Also...my brother's soccer game was at 8:00a!! I don't even get up that early for school!! Let alone on a Saturday morning...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

Dance of the Sugarplum Fairy

Guess what... I only have one final left... A&P I on Monday...then nothing until January 8, 2007.

Also...on Sunday...I'm going to see "The Nutcracker Ballet"...and you know that you're jealous...

Blah...Saturday morning I have to take my 9 y/o brother to his soccer game...hopefully it isn't too early...I like my sleep...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

I'm tired of pretending that I don't care for you I'm tired of pretending that I found someone new

I feel like I'm always pretending anymore... Like even more than I have ever felt like I was... And I feel like nobody even knows me anymore...and that I'm just a big lie... I wish that I didn't feel as crappy and terrible as I feel lately. I do not feel as though I am ever good enough...for anything that I want. I feel like I make problems worse for others. Especially those that are the most important to me...

Way too often lately, it feels like I barely register on the radar...it feels like multiple times a week I'm being ignored... I try and bring it to his attention...that doesn't do a d*** thing... He doesn't change...well, he does...but only for about a week and then the old behavior returns... I still just feel like I'm being taken for granted... As though he thinks that since he has me already...he doesn't need to do anything anymore...

And...lately...the worse thing that I keep feeling like and thinking about doing...is giving back the sparkly things... I feel like I'm trapped...I'm not happy anymore...but I couldn't stand to make him not happy either... I want to be happy...I'm trying...he's trying...but it's barely working...

And then...to make matters worse...I keep getting unwanted attention from someone... At first, the attention feels nice...but then it just feels creepy. I don't purposely do anything to make this guy feel as though the attention is wanted. I wish that I was just reading things wrong...but...it really does not feel like that... And on top of the unwanted attention...he gets jealous of this other guy...and it makes me feel as though he doesn't trust me...

I don't want to not be with him anymore...because honestly, when he does make me happy (which is a little more than not anymore)...I don't want anyone else. Ever. And even when I'm not happy...I just want him and I to be able to fix our communication problem... I just wish that I knew what to do...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

(boys) sometimes a girl just needs one (boys) to love her and to hold (boys) and when a girl is with one (boys) then she's in control

I'm about ready to swear off boys all together...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

nothing's true and nothing's right so let me be alone tonight 'cause you can't change the way I am are you strong enough to be my man?

Guess what... It really bugs me when someone goes through my purse... It bugs me even more when the person isn't smart enough to try and at least return my purse to how it was before he went through it... But...on the bright side...he didn't take anything from it... I would have thrown the biggest fit ever had he taken anything from it... Okay...done with the ranting...

Oh...and I have "Smack That" Akon/Eminem..."Irreplaceable" Beyoncé...and "My Love" Justin Timberlake stuck in my head...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

by the way by the way what made you think you'd have it your way and by the way by the way don't say I didn't warn you that I'll always stay the same

I got a 96% on one of the five tests I had last week...and an 80% on two of the five tests...and a 73% on another (sadly, that was the highest grade in the class)...and a 77% on the fifth test of the five... Yeah...I know...I rock... Actually...I think all except the 96 kind of suck...

This morning was the most amusing class has ever been...my psych teacher was reading [excerpts from] two children's books to the class:
.:. Where Did I Come From?---> a book that tells children all about how babies are made...an orgasm is supposedly like sneezing...
.:. What's Happening to Me? ---> a book all about puberty...
Considering everyone in my class is an adult...there was probably more giggling during the reading of the books than I'm sure there is during the whole puberty lesson in elementary school... Which, by the way, reminds me that my youngest brother is all excited that he gets to view the puberty video this year. I think that he is the only 9 year old boy to ever say that. Also...on a much more disturbing note...the discussion in class involved some brief incest talk... Mostly it was about homosexuality/heterosexuality and child sexuality. And not child sexuality as in kiddie porn, just the way that kids view things such as a little boy thinking egocentrically that babies come out of the mommy's body through the anus.



So...there's some not-so-good-but-not-so-bad stuff on my mind...and it's kind of been there for a while...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

I'm sorry for blaming you for everything I just couldn't do and I've hurt myself...by hurting you

Blah...so I had my follow-up appointment today...and they took X-rays...apparently the spaces between my vertebrae are not as big as they should be...so...the doctor wants someone else to look at it because it looks like arthritis and...duh, I'm only 21...it's a little, like a lot, too early for that...plus my neck muscles are definitely spasming because my neck is straight as opposed to curved...so now I have to do neck exercises/stretches (which I've already been kind of doing)...and then go back in 7-10 days if I'm still not feeling any better......and the girl taking my X-rays had no clue what she was doing...apparently I got the student X-ray tech as well as the med student (my doctor brought in a med student when she came to examine my neck)...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

I...I came here by day but I left here in darkness and found you found you on the way now...it is silver and silent it is silver and cold

Blah...I dislike the cold...and sadly it isn't even really cold yet...

Sadly...it's only the third week of classes...and already I'm ready for the semester to be over...I'm so sick of doing homework...seriously...it's all I do...well...that and go to class...

I can't decide if I want to do something next weekend or not...it would probably be somewhat fun...it would definitely be no cost to me...and I won't have too much homework to do that will require me to have time to get it done over the weekend...

And...yays for me...I passed the first calc test with an 83/100!!! Last semester...I think I got a 40something/100 on the first test...hurrah for a good teacher...

Oh, and for the first time this semester...I did not get lost coming home from the AH campus...yays for me...

I noticed that there are 14 days until my next birthday...my 18 y/o brother already asked me what I plan on doing...he didn't seem to like my answer of "getting up at 7:30a and going to microbiology"...he doesn't seem to think that is a good way to celebrate turning 21...eh, whatever...it's kinda just another day...but I don't know really...

I'm still really stressed out lately...and things are just compounding...and the stress level is raising higher and higher...I don't know how I can fix that...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

but I'm just drunk enough to let go of my pain to hell with my pride let it fall like rain from my eyes tonight I wanna cry

I seriously feel like crying right now...actually...I've already done that about five or six times already tonight...

I'm completely stressed out about school and homework...I feel like all I've been doing since about 12:30p Saturday is homework...and to be honest that's pretty much all I've done...homework, eat, homework, eat, homework, sleep, eat, shower, homework, eat, homework, sleep, go to school, come home and eat, go to school, come home and do laundry, go to a meeting at school, come home and do homework...and after I'm done here on this stressed out rant...sleep...the only reason that I'm on the computer right now is because I was doing microbiology homework and just finished it...

I'm stressed out about the fact that I need to make myself a doctor's appointment...and do that very soon...I cannot deal with the pain that is pretty much a constant anymore...

::sigh::

I'm stressed out because I feel like I'm only making the people around me feel like s***...I'm starting to wonder why anyone puts up with me...I'm majorly stressed out...I'm taking it out on the people around me...and lately the only time I see anyone not related to me is in my classes...because the boy doesn't count since all we do together is I do my homework and he plays video games...

I'm tired...my head hurts badly enough that I keep tearing up...I cannot do anymore homework without getting frustrated and messing up on it...I'm going to go and try to get some sleep before I have to get up in seven hours...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]

terrible lie you made me throw it all away my morals left to decay how many you betray you've taken everything terrible lie

Sometimes...I think that I just might be a horrible person...and...sometimes...I wonder just how many other people think that very same thing...






...and in an unrelated note...I'm kind of lame because I plan on using my weekend to...do homework...yeah...loads of fun...I have about 175 questions...about 50 of them to get done by 9:30a on Monday...about 25 to get done by 9:30a on Tuesday...and about 150 to get done by 6:00p on Tuesday...and I don't really have time to get them done other than during this weekend...so yays for a boring weekend...

[originally posted on my MySpace blog]